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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Inappropriate crush advice

4 replies

12345l · 27/01/2025 18:05

Hey!

so I’m 20 + years into a relationship with a couple teenage kids. Last few years have been hard and our relationship reached a point where I asked them to leave. He agrees he’s been horrible and wants to change but nothing changes so I chucked him out. They went for a week. I fell apart without them which really scared me. They are now back and have made some improvements. Things are still touch and go but we are having a lot of amazing sex and he’s being helpful with home etc. However, in the process I’ve developed a crush on an old school friend. They are a kind of an ex but we are talking back when we were 16 and a very short lived thing. We ended it back then because we decided we didn’t want to ruin our friendship. They live in Australia now, are not married and I haven’t seen them since I was 19. (I’m well into my 40s now). Recently they have been actively reacting to my Facebook posts and more active on their own posts. I get excited when I see they’ve reacted to my posts. I’m sure they are just being a friend and I have no reason to believe anything else. I don’t know how to shift this crush. I’m lost in a day dream about them and find myself dreaming of them at night. I have no intentions to do anything or even the opportunity to act on this and haven’t had much of a conversation with them. I will note about 10 years ago I did have a what if wander about them so I’ve clearly had an attraction since we were teenagers but I seriously want to focus on my marriage and want to make my family work. How do I kick that feeling 🙈

OP posts:
Minor1000 · 27/01/2025 18:16

Man here. Not easy to kick that feeling. I still think a lot about my first girlfriend when I was 17 (late developer went to all male school). I dumped her because my parents didn't approve and were pushing me to work for my exams and some of the guys were taking the proverbial when she would wait at school for me to arrive on the school bus. I dumped her because of them and lied to her about it and it is the one main regret I have in life. Not seen her since I was nearly 19, over 40 years ago. I have my memories and they remain just that. If I ever did see her again I would apologise. I know I upset her. I would think she is married now with grown uo children and is possibly a Grandma. Let bygones be bygones. I'm letting her get on with her life as I am with my wife. Hope that helps.

12345l · 27/01/2025 18:33

@Minor1000 thank you for sharing your thoughts and about your teenage gf
ive been trying to work out why I feel like this. I think I’m just hurt by the recent events by hubby and I think that first relationship creates a “what if” thought occasionally when things in my marriage are not great. I hope it’s a natural thing and it’ll pass. I feel rotten about it though. I haven’t mentioned it to hubby but have just said that I’m worried about how I feeling about us giving how things currently are. Which I genuinely am. I guess on SM everyone’s lives look exciting and that doesn’t help. I’m very over worked and busy mum but I love my life just need things with hubby to keep getting better 🤞🏻

OP posts:
5128gap · 27/01/2025 19:11

I think you're at a crossroads where one road is ending your marriage and the other is staying together. You're looking down both roads to see what the journey looks like. So while knowing and understanding you love your H and family and looking at a future of making it work, you're also looking at the alternative, which has taken on the guise of having something with your crush. The fact this road is still in your view suggests you're not 100% sure if you want to commit to your marriage. And that's OK. All you need to do is commit to try and see.

Frida2023 · 27/01/2025 19:13

It sounds harmless enough. You’ve been through a rough time with your relationship and here’s someone living what might appear to be a much more exciting life. Maybe there’s a fantasy of being rescued. But keep it as a fantasy, it’ll most likely pass. Sounds like there’s lots to work on in your marriage and also some positives. I think if youve been considering ending your marriage then it would be normal to think about what/who else is out there

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