do you think its appropriate for a dad to go on a 'boys holiday' 4 weeks after his partner has birthed his child

[BentleybooandHuntertoo]

Ok forgive me for coming here to vent but I have no one else to discuss this with (as won't discuss my best friend's business with our other friends) out of loyalty and also know it's not my place to give unsolicited advice to her however I'm getting so fed up with my dearest and darling best friend being treated like an absolute fool by her selfish partner.

Ok so my best friend is in a relationship of about 6 years with a guy she's is totally besotted with, he's about 10 years older than her and has an 18 year old daughter from his previous relationship, he is quite well known in our area and local pub and is a self employed builder who works alongside his business partner on big contracts around the country so is quite respected/well known with other people in this kind of construction work and comes across a nice guy always first to buy a pint etc (basically puts on a good show)

I've had a few concerns about their relationship as I feel it's all very one sided, but kind of just keep my nose out , the first red flag to me was a few years ago when they were living together in a rented house and he went on to purchase a house with just him on the mortgage, which I thought a little odd seeing as they had been together for a few years at this point and were already cohabiting, plus my friend has a steady , reasonably paid job so didn't really make sense as to why he wouldn't want to buy with her but still, she resides in this house and contributes to it etc but has no rights to it whatsoever I did question this once and she quickly brushed it off as him wanting something to leave for his daughter etc, anyway I had my concerns but as we can all agree none of my business.

They are both a fairly sociable couple but him even more so, spends pretty much his entire weekend in the pub after working away all week, and goes on a lot of lads holidays, they do holiday together but always seems to be with a group of his friends or a other couple (that would be from.his friendship group), he never really seems to show interest in going away with just her etc but she seems happy enough to go along with it.

Anyway they now have a child together (4 weeks old today) and she is the most darling little girl and I really hoped this would make him more committed but to be honest I'm just shocked at how much he's walking all over her, apparently work is slow at the moment so he doesn't really have any until the end of Feb which I thought was positive as meant he would have a decent paternity leave, but he has literally been going to the pub most nights (as early as the day after her birth and the day she came out of hospital) and is also going on a lads holiday for his birthday next week to Spain for an entire week. And I think she's putting a brave face on and keeps saying 'oh well you know what it's like life changes for the woman and not the man' but I honestly think he's just treating her like a doormat.

Part of me was wondering if she was happy to go along with it as maybe he was paying for a lot of things and treating her well in that respect but then she had to change her car due to having a 3 door fiat 500 and wasn't practical, I suggested that his daughter has it as she's in the process of learning to drive and they between them get her a more suitable car for her with the baby etc, but apparently his daughter "wants an Audi" anyway she traded her car in and upgraded to something of similar spec but 5 doors, but I noted she mentioned that she was waiting for the finance to be approved what with her being on maternity, so he's obviously not offered to contribute.

I really know this is not my business so please don't lecture me but I'm so concerned at my beautiful friend who used to be so headstrong being treated this way, am I being over protective or do you guys think he sounds selfish?
It's not as if they are a young couple in their 20s who don't know different either she is in her mid 30s and him mid 40s

Sorry I appreciate this is a lot of info at once but needed to vent

Well it isn’t your business is it? All you can do is be a good friend. (But I would keep your feelings about the relationship to yourself.)

No I don’t think it’s right he’s going away for a week a month after his partner has given birth. Very strange. Did he want this child? Your friend’s bar seems to be set very low. All you can do is be there for her though, if she’s besotted with him. It may take her a long time to see it for herself.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him going on a holiday when his new child is 4 weeks old but the going to the pub every night would make me cross. With regard to finances, each couple has different ways of doing things. Have you asked her why she isn't on the mortgage?

Just be there for her. The red flags have been waving a long time but at the end of the day, its down to her to say enough.

we both know this kind of bloke doesn’t change! He wont be stopping the pub trips, lads holidays/weekends away! Lads lads lads 🍻

she will have to come to the realisation herself that hes just another child for her to look after unfortunately. I bet hes the sort who leaves a mess everywhere he goes, chucks his grundys 🩲 next to the washing basket (not in it) and expects the female to do everything just because shes got a fanny and “on holiday” from work (maternity leave 🙄). I had a three door car with my first, got used to swinging the car seat into the base after a while. She didn't need to change her car.

A holiday for a week?!

@Rowen32 A holiday for a week?

It wouldn't have bothered me. But my husband worked 7 days a week when my children were born so I was used to doing everything on my own. If he'd gone out to the pub every night and all weekend that would have bothered me.

Yes, I think you're right to see the red flags all over the place. But it doesn' soujnd like she's in a position to see them or acknowledge them.

It' snot uncommon though for poor behaviour ot escalate at the point of a baby. It's also not uncommon for the woman to start to notice it when there's a baby or child involved.

There is little you can do except to gently ask questions when it seems appropriate. More importantly, men like this often try to isolate their partners from friends so try not to let that happen. And, make it clear, always, that you're on her side. So you don't have to rant and rave about him (that wil ljust push her away) but feel free to agree with her if she raises concerns or gently point things out in conversation.

No. It is not reasonable at all for a father to leave his partner with a 4 week year old newborn for a week boys trip.

thanks appreciate your kind words of wisdom, thats what i will continue to do and by all means i know this is not my business but she means the world to me i just dont think she can see the wood through the trees

Another 40 something year old man who still considers himself a "lad".
He obviously isn't grown up enough to behave like a responsible partner or father.
Unfortunately , as pp have said, there isn't a lot you can do other than be a supportive friend.

He sounds awful, but equally she's silly having a child with him when there's no sign of long-term commitment from him like buying a house together, marriage etc. You should ask her who's idea was it to have a baby? If hers and he wasn't really onboard then I'm afraid she'll have to realise she's signed up for this. If his idea then I'd be seeing major red flags as it can be a very controlling man that encourages his partner to get pregnant whilst treating her badly. A sign he thinks he's trapped her. If joint (and she'll probably say this even if it wasn't) then remain supportive, if she voices unhappiness with him then tell her you'd feel the same, basically try to be a good friend even though you are frustrated with her. But yes I agree his behaviour post baby is not nice.

J think working is different, it's a contribution to the home but a holiday is awful.. her first child, 4 weeks in

He sounds awful. When my two were newborns my partner and I supported eachother completely. Nights out and nights away were put on the back burner especially during the newborn stage. Even now if we are going out or a night away somewhere we would run it by eachother as we have children to look after. We would never just book something independently and say I'm away.

This doesn’t make sense to me. He’s basically going to the pub for a week.

He sounds awful, and the house in his name only would have made me head for the hills (if I was your friend) but all you can do is be there for her, if/when it goes pear-shaped.

It was definitely her unfortunately

Oh dear. Well that's on her then.

True but at 36 I suppose she was just desperate to become a mum and hoped he would change , she will be the best mum with or without him

What a selfish arse - he won’t change - either suck it up or go it alone- may take her a few years to accept this though and you won’t get thanks for pointing it out. Just be there for her

Sounds like an improvement to me, if he's away for a week, she can focus on herself and the baby without worrying about him stumbling home from the pub every night, making a racket and most likely a mess.

He’s not coming across well, not just from your fairly open description, just his actions are not good.
he doesn’t sound very mature, his partner and new child seem quite far down his list of priorities. I think you can see the writing on the wall, just be there as a good friend in the near future.

if he has his own business and I don’t know how you will bring this up, but warn her somehow to keep copies of company bank statements etc. I know a few self employed people’s accounts suddenly are apparently dire when a relationship with children break down.

men seem to have a lot of money, plead poverty and women and kids are very little money.

You’re not the one who’s in a relationship with him, so it’s none of your business. She knew what type he was and had a kid with him.

I’m sure plenty of people here will say it’s not nice of him to go away for a week when his baby is 4 weeks, but what are you going to do with that information? It’s only going to feed your resentment and of him, which will be obvious. So just don’t… Don’t feed into your hatred of him. Leave it. It’s NOT your life. It’s HER life and relationship and choice.