I'm struggling to move on from this

flippinnorrra · 27/01/2025 12:52

Were you exclusive at the time? How did you find out?
What were the nature of the messages?
Has he been remorseful? How has he been as a partner?

Sounds like you haven't been able to forgive and build trust?

You don't have to forgive. You can let go and move on.

TangerineClementine · 27/01/2025 12:55

If it was right at the beginning of your relationship, this is a lot more forgiveable than later on. Lots of people date more than one person non seriously before properly committing. Tbh if you still can't move on after two years, it may be best to split up or it will always be an issue between you.

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 12:56

I just wanted to reply as I had exactly the same. I kept asking him to stop and he had tremendous rows with me, saying they were ‘just friends’ and that I was jealous, mad etc (they had the same history as your two). Eventually he did tone it down, and although I did come to trust him, it blighted all our early time. I even remember our first Valentine’s Day she was texting him merrily all day ‘just about platonic stuff’. Fuuuuuu££ off.

Original poster

Simplelife10 · 27/01/2025 13:02

We were exclusive at the time, I asked him if they still spoke and he said they did. I asked to see the messages but he said if I looked at them it meant there was no trust between us, so stupidly I didn't look. I wish now I had of as it has tortured me since not knowing the context of those messages. He told me the messages were about work, so what was the issue showing me them then? This just makes me think there was more to it than "just work"

OP posts:

H112 · 27/01/2025 13:04

The trust was never fully there. Leave.

Mitchu · 27/01/2025 13:06

I agree he would have shown you if there was nothing in them. Big red flag for me. Bet the messages were littered with xxxx and “how’s your day been” type messages. Not full on explicit I want to rip your clothes off type messages but just enough from both the keep their little secret emotional relationship bubbling along.

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 13:10

In my case the messages were exactly that. Good morning!/good night every day and the rest of it. Beyond being majorly insulted I also just found it cringe— like if you want to be together just be together.

It basically gives a really bad signal at the start.

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 13:12

Me and my guy recently broke up and (while mutual) one of his complaints was I just couldn’t respect his extrovert way of life 🙃

Original poster

Simplelife10 · 27/01/2025 13:17

@lemonadecar I was just going to ask how you built trust then seen your other message.

He will most likely end things because I am struggling to deal with it. I just feel like I was laughed at and made a mug of. No only that but also made to feel just not good enough.

OP posts:

grimmeeper · 27/01/2025 13:22

I have literally just ended a relationship over a 'female friend' who I was never allowed to meet
He swears nothing has ever happened between them but even if that's true their friendship was overbearing and he ended up seeing her in secret and muting their conversations as to not cause issues .
I asked to meet her
I gave him 7 months but I couldn't go on with it

flippinnorrra · 27/01/2025 13:23

And he still works with her? So how do you know it's not still going on?
Trust takes time to build in a relationship and it sounds like he's done little to build that trust.
Unless you're generally a paranoid person, then I'd imagine the red flags were waving which is why you raised it.
If he ends this over this issue then it's on him, no reflection on you and nothing to do with you not being enough - park that notion before it ruins your self esteem.

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 13:25

I really relate to the feeling @Simplelife10. It set me up on the wrong footing in the relationship, always made me feel insecure. I’m sorry. It’s such a shame.

grimmeeper · 27/01/2025 15:30

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 13:25

I really relate to the feeling @Simplelife10. It set me up on the wrong footing in the relationship, always made me feel insecure. I’m sorry. It’s such a shame.

This sums it up perfectly for me
My ex cancelled plans with me a few times for his female 'best friend' in the beginning and I never got over the feeling that she was his priority and not me

MsMarch · 27/01/2025 15:35

I am not sure I understand. At the. beginning of your relationship he was texting another woman. YOu suspected it was more than just a friendship and he denied it. You wated to see the messages, but he refused. And now, 2 years later he is NOT texting her any more but you are still stressed and upset about when he was?

I think you are the problem here. Either he WAS cheating and you dont' trust him, in which case, you should have ende the relationship then. OR he wasn't and you were being weirdly controlling and jealous. If, when DH and I started dating, he had insisted that I could not text male friends, I'd have laughed at him.

Thisisthemomentforchange · 27/01/2025 15:49

MsMarch · 27/01/2025 15:35

I am not sure I understand. At the. beginning of your relationship he was texting another woman. YOu suspected it was more than just a friendship and he denied it. You wated to see the messages, but he refused. And now, 2 years later he is NOT texting her any more but you are still stressed and upset about when he was?

I think you are the problem here. Either he WAS cheating and you dont' trust him, in which case, you should have ende the relationship then. OR he wasn't and you were being weirdly controlling and jealous. If, when DH and I started dating, he had insisted that I could not text male friends, I'd have laughed at him.

I don't know why you are accusing OP of being "controlling and jealous"

Her DP works in the same place as this woman who he was once in a relationship with. At the beginning of his relationship with OP he was exchanging messages with this woman and he wouldn't show OP these messages. I think OP had every right to be upset by this.

And the fact that he is still working with the other woman must mean OP is continually reminded of what he did at the beginning of the relationship. It wouldn't be natural for her not to have some concern about her DP and this colleague.

There is nothing controlling or jealous even hinted at in OP's post.

MsMarch · 27/01/2025 15:53

No one gets to say who their partner is friedns with or communicates with. x1000 at the beginning of a relationship when existing relationships and communication processes already exist.

It IS totaly fine for someone to feel uncomfortable with their new partner's communication/friendships and, if the partner is not wiling to change those, to decide to walk away from the relationship.

But the new partner does not get to dictate things. And, if she accepted it, she can't still be complaining about it 2 years later.

Thisisthemomentforchange · 27/01/2025 16:07

MsMarch · 27/01/2025 15:53

No one gets to say who their partner is friedns with or communicates with. x1000 at the beginning of a relationship when existing relationships and communication processes already exist.

It IS totaly fine for someone to feel uncomfortable with their new partner's communication/friendships and, if the partner is not wiling to change those, to decide to walk away from the relationship.

But the new partner does not get to dictate things. And, if she accepted it, she can't still be complaining about it 2 years later.

I don't see anything in what OP has said to indicate she was trying to tell her DP who he could be friends with or communicate with! She asked him about this ex: that is normal behaviour.

I don't see OP dictating anything and I don't see her complaining.

MsMarch · 27/01/2025 16:10

@Thisisthemomentforchange she asked him if he spoke with his ex. He said he did. She asked him to show her the messages. He refused. She thinks that she should dnot have accepted that. He said the messages were about work and she thinks if they were, he' dhave shown her.

I'd call that controlling. Or rather, someone who would be controlling given the chance. If DH had asked to see my messages to my male friend in the first months of our relationship I'd have seen tht as a massive red flag.

The problem is that either he was inappropriate and/or was cheating on OP, in which case this relationship is doomed anyway. Or he wasn't, and OP wanted him to do things he was not comfortable with, in which case this relationship is doomed anyway.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/01/2025 17:02

Simplelife10 · 27/01/2025 12:45

I'm struggling to move on from my partner messaging another woman at the beginning of our relationship. It's been almost two years since.

It wasn't just a random woman, they had a thing in the past and work together. I need help on how to let this go and move on.

If it's been 2 years and you're still struggling, maybe it's time to let go of the relationship?

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 17:18

It’s very interesting to see how both sides of this always come up. It’s all too easy to cast the objecting/hurt party as controlling. It’s not about just ‘being friends’ with someone— it’s about having to watch your man openly displaying romantic interest in another woman at the start of your relationship, and then being gaslit about it. It’s like him making you watch him dancing close with a woman in a nightclub. Normal people don’t maintain cutesy daily contact with people they’ve recently had sex with when they’re starting a new relationship!

lemonadecar · 27/01/2025 17:22

I’ve actually come to think of it almost as a weird form of ‘negging’

TheseBootsAreWalking · 27/01/2025 17:31

Sounds like you no longer feel safe to invest in him, as he lied to you, and manipulated you by telling you that if you looked at the messages between them, you didnt trust him, and then lied by telling you it was all about work.

He broke your trust. So I understand why you feel the way you do. There clearly was a lack of respect for you by him back then. I wonder how its is now seeing manipulation like that shows up elsewere too.

Its 2 years. Sounds like you feel so down over this still, and its probably dragging you down.

Ask yourself this, is the hurt you are expecting from breaking up with him keeping you from taking that step? Is he worth it?

Or does he "talk you round?