On a countdown

[Runawaytrainer]

Anyone else on a countdown?

DH and I are planning on separating in autumn 2026. Our youngest will (hopefully) leave for university and it'll be our time to split.

I'm looking forward to it very much!

It sounds like something you both want. Can you spend the time between now and then building up a respectful, affectionate relationship that values the life you had together and the family you jointly raised and any fun and adventures you had, so that when it happens it is an amicable split. That will hugely take the pressure off your DC. Leaving for uni is quite stressful and it helps most teens to know there is a stable home to return to. If there is friction, it can have a devastating effect even on the most stable young adult and impact on their studies. But if you are clearly both genuinely happy about it and still put DC's stability and wellbeing at the top of your priorities, it will help. Can you afford to keep the family home going and one of you stay in it for three years until your DC finishes uni?

Why are you waiting until he goes to Uni?

That’s a big life change anyway. Will he deal with it well being away from home, in new surroundings with the added pressure of studying and no “family home” to return to?

It'll be amicable, but I doubt we'll maintain much of a friendship when all of DC are into adulthood.

No, we can't afford to keep the house, but we'll both have enough bedrooms for DC to stay.

If there were no DC, we would have split up 17 years ago.

No, 15 years ago

We decided to stay together until they all left for university.

We'll make it as easy on them as we can.

It might take a while for the house to sell anyway.

It astounds me that people stay together just for the sake of children.

Saying you would have split up 17 years ago if you didn't have DC, is uncomprehendable for me, although admittedly I don't have children myself.

My parents split as soon as I went to university and it actually (at the time) made me feel really guilty as I realised they had stayed 'for the children' rather than wanting to be together.

It did however explain the fact I didn't see a particularly happy relationship modelled to me - no outright nastiness but no genuine loving affection, hugs, kisses, in jokes etc.

Which meant my relationship expectations were pretty rubbish really. I would definitely caution people to reconsider 'staying for the children' for those reasons.

I feel like I have questions - Will it change your life a lot? How is it at the moment? I considered doing this with exH but I couldn’t have done it as he wasn’t being amicable at the time. We are much better now - it was so much easier when he left. A relief. And I’d say we’re pretty good friends now and get on really well at family functions when we’re all together (adults child and also our new partners). Not something I’d expected. But maybe it was rockier as he’d had a long affair.

If you feel positive about this then that’s a reason to celebrate, though I imagine you might be nervous too? It’s not a long time until October 2025 really, it will fly by. And you’ll be free before you know it!

She said Autumn 2026.

If you had children they’d say incomprehensible 🙄…though might just be my gaff with the mini grammar police who needs money all the time… anyways 💯 agreed, can be hard for those of us not in that situation to understand. Also, leaving for Uni, to then be dropped a bombshell that your folks are splitting could derail the youngest. If it’s a definite and only a matter of time I’d sow the seed now so at least you’re both there to help them talk, cope and acclimatise to the situation and they will be on a more even keel when they fly the nest.

How does this work practically with chore and bed sharing?

Do you laugh together and still do everything like a couple?

I hope you manage to have a laugh and enjoy each others company and the kids don’t pick up on it because you are currently modelling relationships to them.

Ah sorry. I keep thinking it’s still 2024.

I was more wrapped up thinking how it can work practically. Just from personal experience when I felt when it reached a certain stage and I knew we wouldn’t recover I wouldn’t have wanted to share a bed, a house, or a holiday. I just wondered how it’s dealt with day to day.

and 18 months will still fly by.