I don't know what to do

[RAAavniSHI]

Hi ladies,

The title itself shows how indecisive and confused I am regarding the situation.

Context:

I'm 47 years old.

Two kids—one 11 years old, the other in their first year of university.

A very long phase of a bad, mentally and financially exhausting marriage since 2019—I tried everything, but according to him, "I'm a failure as a mom and wife."

One complete year of stonewalling; zero emotional or physical connection.

For example, if I'm standing in the kitchen and he needs something from the drawers, he would just open them in my face. The moment he realizes I'm home, he will shut his room door!

He is extremely affectionate and responsive to the kids, and at times I hate how normal they are with him, even though they see his behavior towards me.

I know separation is the only way out, but right now I am thinking that he is still paying the house rent, car insurance, phone bills, and other utilities, so I don't have any financial burden. I have been working, but my salary is not enough to find a place and manage.

I'm thinking of staying in the same house until I can support myself financially. Do you think this is a correct approach? It's not easy to stay like this, but I don't think I'm emotionally attached to him after how he treated me. Right now, I'm just being practical. I have no parents or family support, so it's a lonely world for me.

Please offer your suggestions. Thanks in advance.

However difficult it is, however impossible it seems, your life will feel and be so much more peaceful and safe the moment you say enough is enough. He's not even treating you like a human being. Please leave before he destroys your self esteem completely. Your boys are learning that it's ok to treat women like this too. You deserve so much more happiness than this.

At this point you have to think about what beliefs your children are forming by watching how he treats you. This is their model for what a relationship is. Do you want to put your financial stability before that? Do you want them to think this is acceptable? Do you want them to become abusive to their partners or be victims of abuse? This is what they are learning from your dynamic. It isn’t your fault but you have options and they don’t. Model to them that you should never let anyone treat you like this, no matter who they are. If you leave, you will be entitled to half of the marital assets and maybe even maintenance payments. You would certainly be entitled to child maintenance for your youngest child.

First, speak to a lawyer to find out what you would legally be entitled to. Then speak to a domestic abuse charity like women’s aid, (depending on your country)). Get support from them to make an exit plan and get to safety. This is domestic abuse and your husband is committing a crime. You can break free of this and there is support available. All you have to do is reach out and ask for it. Leaving will be best for you and your children.

Do NOT tell your husband you plan to leave. This is the most dangerous time for a women experiencing domestic abuse. Tell him it’s over when you and the children are safe.

Have you checked on the website called entitled to where you enter all your details and you can see if you're entitled to any benefits? Try entering just your details and the price of a rental in your area or wherever you want to live and see what happens.

Are you married?
Either way seek legal advice (without him knowing) about what you would be entitled to when you separate.

You’ll meet new supportive friends as you go through the process of leaving and setting up a new home, and you’ll feel less lonely than you have for years.

You need legal advice on where you stand in the event of divorce. Gather all financial information and find a family law solicitor.

You can contact Gingerbread for advice on life as a single parent.

Wikivorce and the CABx website have lots of helpful information.

Unless you want your daughter in laws treated the same way, you need to get out or get him out.