Separation

[Liftmyselfupagain]

He everyone, some help and wisdom and some sort of kick up the bum please.

I have been separated for 2 years, got some disturbing health related family in the meantime and it’s blurred everything.

No romantic relationship, that is well and truly gone. But in the last year, or 9 months I’ve moved house, gone from SAHM to FT working, two young kids, feel like I barely see them. Husband quit his job a few months ago and he’s basically the Mum now. I feel like the kids couldn’t possibly see me as Mum still. Complete role reversal and I feel trying to improve our lives after an incredibly hard 10 years and no improvement no matter what we tried, being a separated family with two houses is even worse.

I cannot bare not seeing the kids, incidentally through the day, when they’re gone I feel completely isolated. I have lots of friends but when the door closes I feel utterly alone and without any sense of agency within myself, it just feels doomed and that I am a fool for trying to get out.

a friend mentioned that my husbands ways may have rubbed off on me. Indecisive, passive and more fearful of the world. I feel like I have gone downhill, so little energy and finding my new reality and whatever the future holds overwhelming and surreal.

I know my mindset is so off and I am the only one with the power to change the lens I am looking through, but I really am struggling.

I was so sparky and confident and able and I just feel washed up and lost. Marriage and now this has just sucked the life out of me. I know the only way is through this but my mind is not even creative enough to come up with a positive future. I feel isolated and alone and I just want to hide.

So much had changed this year, I am so tempted for us both to fake it and get through together with the kids. Both options seem feel dead end.

Please someone of you could you help me to see our marriage break down, two homes etc in a different light.

Thank you x

Bump :)

Thank you for posting this. I'm not in the same situation, but a lot of what you say resonates. I do think that there are ways of moving forward for everyone, just finding the ones that work for you. Self compassion mindfulness has changed things for me (you can Google that or also look at Kristin Neff and Tara Brach's work). Also similar but different No Bad Parts has been recommended to me. The answer is to focus on yourself, it's just finding the right way 'how', for you. An early and helpful take away for me was to change how you think about yourself, rather than try to change yourself.

Thank you @b0zza1 this is such a thoughtful and wise response, I really appreciate it. There’s certainly a lot of noise and inner conflict which is just stifling and paralysing. I started listening to the No Bad Parts audiobook last night, exactly what I need and have already learned about Internal Family Systems so delighted with the recommendation thank you. I don’t know what your circumstances are but I wish you all the best with whatever you are trying to work through. Thank you xx

Your kids will see you as mum whatever you do or don't do for work.

They don't have the fixed ideas of gender roles and whether or not it's a woman's role etc to work.

They will love you no matter.