Ex's, OW and 'point scoring'

[Spooky2000]

Good evening. Bit of background: As some of you know, I was in an on/off relationship of nearly 5 years with an abusive narc and after 18 months together, he ping-ponged between me and OW for two years from 2021.

From Sept 23 contact was a bit sporadic between he and I as I had a feeling he was keeping OW on side and when I was sure they had broken up, it was 'on' again between us from October 23 with some fairly major blips through 2024. I just couldn't cope with him and everything he said and was doing to me and I finally ended things in Nov 24, which is when he laid false allegations against me which I am still sorting out. We'd had a fairly solid 13 months together aside from these blips I refer to. Truthfully, I'd never forgiven or forgotten this ping-ponging between us and I decided I deserved a relationship free of this worry, or to stay single. I chose the latter.

I've heard from a very reliable source that they've reunited, before Xmas 24 within a couple of weeks of my ending things. I don't want him back and have no intention of trying to resume anything now or in the future. What I can't get my head around however is why - after 13 months apart, even if there has been sporadic contact between them which I was unaware of - she would take him back. OW turned up twice at local events during 2024 where he was and it wasn't a coincidence - I can't say how I know this, but it was deliberate on those occasions, though she'd had no idea I would be there. She even made a complaint about him at one venue!

Anyway, the point of this poll - when I had tried to speak with her in the past she told me that he had 'never treated me the way he treated you.' I'm advised quite well that this is absolutely not true and there was abuse there too. It therefore feels as though she was trying to belittle me - I know that if I'd had a 13 month break from someone and been ignored in person that I'd slam the door in the face of someone who came back knocking. I'm sure she feels like she's 'won' but honestly, I don't care: have him. I'm not bothered by him returning; what IS actually bothering me is that rather than be part of a 'sisterhood' of a scumbag man, she's 'point scoring' : I have him, you don't. Really? For how long, sister? And why would you think I'd want him? (he must be telling her HE dumped me 😂) And why feel the need to do that? I'm old enough to remember the days when women stuck together over a shitty bloke. What's going on in the world?

Just ignore, block move on. Who cares what she thinks. Sisterhood is a nonsensical concept. Women don't stuck together. Just read these boards for evidence

Have you actually spoken to her since they got back together or is this points coring in your head?

Just rejoice...you're finally free of the tosser.

OW has bagged a cheat, liar and man with no integrity. She will spend her days, knowing what he's capable of and never trusting him. He will have spun her a tale as old as the hills about her 'being the only one' and how he had to end it with you to be with her etc etc, he certainly won't admit you were the one to dump him. Of course she feels flattered, that she's won, she was after all his grubby little secret for a few years whilst he was cake eating. OW usually have very low self esteem as what decent woman gets involved with a married man and puts up with crumbs?

You are well rid of both of them.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Had one call and tell me she'd won, I didn't even know I was competing. I replied Well done, it couldn't have happened to a nicer person, I wish you both well.

Whatever they are doing, that's up to them. Let them carry on and live your own life.

You allowed him to ‘ping pong’ back and forward between you for some time. There was no ‘sisterhood’ then, or when you subsequently ‘won’ him for 13 months. Just because you CBA with his BS any more doesn’t mean she’s on the same page.

Be thankful she’s taken him back and you can get on with a better life without him.

💐

She thinks she’s won some prize/ competition, she’ll find out soon enough.

You’ve split up with him and maybe she still loves him. I doubt her decision has much to do with thinking about you. Hopefully you really are done with him though because it sounds like he would happily keep the ping pong game going. He seems to be the only ‘winner’ here

Yep. You were part of the circus too. You can't be shouting about the sisterhood now. Your post is dripping with anger and resentment towards this woman, even more so than him.

The whole thing sounds shite. Be glad you are out. Move on. Stop focusing on who 'won'.

Yes, I totally agree that I allowed the ping-ponging. I did buy into the story for long enough that she has bought into too - that one is loved. So I can actually see why she would be drawn into this, particularly when he will have fed her the same lines that I got. It was very difficult to leave by the end to be honest - there was a lot of self harm he was doing and was completely histrionic, which aside from being very manipulative is also very convincing that this person 'really' loves you. It isn't true of course, it's a way of keeping one trapped in the relationship to meet their own needs. I am definitely out; I just honestly could not cope any more with his behaviour and I felt like it was him or me from a MH perspective and I chose me and left. I just didn't love him any more and couldn't cope with the behaviours. His mother is extremely abusive to his father and he's like his mum and I saw a vision of the future as to what my life with him was going to be like and I left.

I don't feel angry or resentful towards her, but I will say that I am completely baffled, though these responses have gone some way in explaining to me her choice. As I said, if he knocked on my door in 13 months time and I'd seen him out in the interim and been completely blanked, I would slam the door. I think there is some love there on her part, but I know that when he was doing his back and forth, she really took pleasure in rubbing my nose in it. This time perhaps it will work out for them by my removing myself as an option entirely, but given the nature of their 'relationship' and the one we had, I don't think it will and I think that several years of a draining relationship await both of them. Still, that's their problem and I'm happy to leave them to it.

Don’t even give it head space.

Stay out of the situation and don’t have any contact with anyone.

Move on.

Who cares!

Why are you even giving this the benefit if headspace.

Seriously, just move on.

He's a man who found 2 women to play 'The Pick Me dance' around him.
Look up Chump Lady's post on the pick me dance.

Then you need to sort out in your own mind what part of your self needs to work on not being susceptible to it, either with him or with another in the future.

Let it go. Reframe it from 'she won' to you got a lucky escape from, what sounds like, a nasty selfish man.

www.chumplady.com/the-pick-me-dance/

'What I can't get my head around however is why - after 13 months apart, even if there has been sporadic contact between them which I was unaware of - she would take him back'.

Go back a year and ask yourself the same question.

It's a good thing that you have snapped out of this. She hasn't. More fool her. Don't pay him or her any attention. You're finally rid of this stress. Now free your mind. And make sure no one in your inner circle keeps feeding you these juicy tidbits that may risk you tying yourself in knots.

Move on and be free.

Is he a supermodel millionaire astrophysicist that he’s had you both scrapping over him?

You wasted 5 years on him, you’re in no position at all to be judging her for falling for his bs as you did and talk of the mythical sisterhood is coming a bit late don’t you think?

Just move on. You’re still wasting time thinking about him.

OP, you sound massively over invested. You do not sound like you have move on and are still devoting time and energy to think why a selfish narcissistic man would move on really quickly. You took him back at one stage. She took him back at another. You’re evens-stevens.

My advice is turn your gaze and your energy to the future. You’re not in a competition with anyone, so just live your life.

All very drama llama 🤯

OP, this relationship was toxic & unhealthy. Work on what you can control & change, ie your confidence, self esteem and ability to set boundaries when it comes to relationships.

Pretty much sums up my thoughts

Sorry but you did it, she did it and this is how it sometimes goes. Women convince themselves that what they have is " special" but it's not - it's just the time and the situation. We all make mistakes. Now you are free of it all so don't sit and rethink it all because you will NEVER get the answers you are looking for. Move on .

Are you sure that she wasn't seeing him throughout that time?

Either way, forget them both and move on.

Why are you still thinking about him/her? You are out of his life and what they do shouldn't concern you in any way. Let them get on with it. Don't give them headspace. Move on with your life!

It's unfortunate that people think they will be treated differently to the last partner.

They won't.

This ow will suffer the same way you did. Absolutely no doubt there. She might think she's different and special but she isn't.

People don't change.

Pity her. Thank GOD you're out of it. Keep your head up. Don't engage. Walk away. You're free. She's not, poor cow.

Well done finally setting yourself free from this toxic scenario. I'd focus on counselling to ensure you don't repeat this behaviour and to give yourself the best chance of a good and happy life.

The OW is much further behind her self awareness and ability to recover. Not your responsibility but it's awful her self esteem is so low that this is what she accepts. I'd imagine there is all sorts of trauma behind that.

Anyway, you focus on you and minimise what you hear about them as it'll just drag you down.