DH getting fat

[Brooomhilda]

... and I'm worried about him. He's not worried at all. His mother is dying in her late 60s from various ailments caused by her weight (which is probably why I've become so worried about this lately) but he seems to be in denial that this may be his future too if he doesn't mind what he eats.

He's not massively over weight yet, maybe only 10-15kg but it's only going up. And it's all going to his tummy. The most dangerous kind. We're mid 30s.

I obviously still love him and do still find him attractive but I worry for his health.

Anyone been in this situation with DH? Were you able to inspire change?

I’ve thought of starting this same thread many times, but always wimped out imagining the flaming. So I know how you feel.

I have struggled as DH is intelligent, but doesn’t really know anything about nutrition. In our case, he put on 5 stone. I hate the nagging dynamic in a relationship, but didn’t know what else to do.

I have focused on specific cancer risks from alcohol (he was drinking a bottle of red a night) and processed meat as he was eating either bacon or sausages daily.

It’s complicated as his DM was an alcoholic so conversations about alcohol are highly emotionally charged and his standards for “problem drinking” are a lot higher than mine/the NHS.

He is a couple of weeks into trying to avoiding both of those, I hope this change sticks. I don’t want to lose our later years to ill health.

If a man posted this, he'd be the proud owner of a ripped arsehole.

@Geesgirl I agree but female weight gain is often hormonally influenced and the result of contraception, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, PCOS. Men don't have those things to contend with so it's not comparing like for like.
Op is saying she's still attracted to him so she's not saying he's got fat and she's repulsed by him. She's worried about him and is asking advice. I've never read a thread where a debate poster writes that her partner is worried about her weight gain from a health point of view. It's often that he's saying she's unattractive now she's gained weight.

I don't think you will get any positive help on here tbh. My husband has gone from 8 to 19 stone and if I mention getting fit he gets terribly hurt. On mn unless your extremely thin and look like a model you can pass comment on your dh changing appearance

You are right to be worried OP, he is putting his health in danger. You are going to have to be honest with him and tell him. Try and get him to see the GP or practice nurse to talk about his weight but also general health.

I think there isn’t much you can do until he realises himself. You can change your supermarket shop so that there is none of the tempting crap in the house, model healthier behaviours by inviting him to join you on walks or join a gym together because you need the support to get fitter, but otherwise you have to wait it out.

My Dh waited, supported and never made me feel that he didn’t love me/find me attractive even when I reached 6 stone overweight. One day it clicked and I realised I needed to diet and get fit. But it was me, not him. I’ve taken 18m to get there (and yes, I had some medicated help), but it was me, doing it for myself.

Not really. This is from the perspective of caring about his health and ways to help him rather than saying they want their partner to look a certain way . Obviously a very sensitive subject hence why OP wants others suggestions.

Shop together for healthy meals, don’t buy any snacks and do some exercise together - a local park run?

It's very difficult isn't it. My dh has put on approx 3.5 stone in the last few years and i have not mentioned it as he would be so angry and hurt. He drinks more than the recommended amount every week and drinks most days. He also eats a lot of junk.

He now snores and struggles on long walks, had some health and weight related conditions. I worry about hid heart. But how do we bring it up?

That's my fear, especially as we're in our small-children era we often take flights of fancy of what we'll do once we're empty nesters and a big one is travel... that's obviously going to be hindered or shortened if he has the same things his mum has (who is now too ill to travel, at only 67!). But it is so tricky. And I get the thing about the roasting, but obesity and weight related illnesses are really serious, why would you not be concerned about your other half? Mine is the same, he had a fiery metabolism as a teen/into his 20s but now it has completely halted in his 30s and it's showing. But he's never had to think about nutrition before so he just sort of carries on eating like he's 20.

I get what you're saying but I would hope that if I started down the same path and had a family history, DH would also be concerned.

That's fair. Currently pregnant so I'm far from a super model.

Well done you and it's good to hear the perspective from the other side. Yes, I've modified our food shop but it's the food away from each other that's the problem. For example, I replaced all our white carbs with whole or whole meal versions (whole meal bread and pasta, sweet potatoes instead of white) and he refused to eat the brown bread. I called him on my way to work just after to ask about something and he was in subway ordered a footlong because he didn't have his white bread. And they regularly get take-out at work that everyone chips in for. Dinners are healthy here and there are no snacks apart from fruit but it's honestly food outside of my control that's the issue. So difficult! As you say, those things won't stop until he wants to...

Yes, the snoring is a real problem, I'm not going to lie. And obviously snoring is one of those things that people mostly joke about but he woke me up 4 times last night (on top of pregnancy insomnia!!!). He never snored before the weight so it is certainly a sign in him that something is putting pressure on his body. I know it's an almost harmless sign of weight gain but it does worry me. But his mother's heart and kidneys are really in trouble and she has barely a year to life and still refuses to eat any fruit or veg or drink any water and it's so difficult to watch. I know that's not him yet, not even nearly but it would break my heart if he followed in her footsteps.

That’s a really good point; it’s difficult if someone is eating/drinking in a similar way to when they were younger, but it’s finally catching up with them.

As you’re currently pregnant, could you ask him to support you when it’s time for you to get active/strong post-birth? Ask for his advice and for him to join you in good habits to help you?

Nothing will change until he wants to do it himself. I had many heartfelt conversations over the years with DH. He put on a lot and all on his stomach. It wasn't about looks, I love him as much as I've always done but I have lost sleep worrying about him, he's started to show signs of ill health and he's not 40 yet. We could eat healthy at home for weeks on end but he would eat junk at work or even in the car and all the good was undone.

Now, he's lost 1.5 stone in the last 2 months and still going. I am supporting and doing it with him but he had to want to do it himself. He realised on our oldest DC's birthday that she is now the same age he was when his dad had a heart attack. He has one more stone to lose to be out of the obese category I am really praying it sticks this time.

My DH is the same. The snoring is killing me. I did bring up cutting out alcohol and that we should lose weight together, because otherwise I'm going to suggest we move rooms about so we can make another bedroom. I am bad when I've had no sleep and his snoring is extraordinary it's so loud.

@Changingname1988 yes and I think that's where the denial has mostly come from. The attitude of "well this has always worked for me before!". I'm also really trying not to give him any self-esteem issues, lord knows as women many of us know how it can feel when someone suggests something about the way we look and how it can often completely change the way you feel about yourself. Although at the moment I feel like I'm accidentally doing the opposite because I do sometimes find it difficult to hide my attraction to him! So the man has allll sorts of confidence in that front! So I do like your idea about making it a post-birth project. My first baby had CMPA so I couldn't have dairy and he was very supportive with that, instantly took to dairy free meals without complaint because it was something we were doing together so you might be on to something there if it's something we're doing together for my benefit.

That's really amazing to hear that he's doing so well. But I know what you mean, I really feel out of control when it comes to what he eats when he's not with me.