I am asking you to please be kind. I know that in the past if someone had said to me what I'm about to say I would tell them to get out ASAP. But, as I am finding, it's not that easy.
I have been with my husband for 15 years. I live seven hours away from my family and have been quite independent since I was 18. When we first got together, we had our daughter quite early on.. not planned but we were in love and things were good. At this point, I was a very successful teacher working my way up through the ranks, and he was self-employed. We lived nearer his family so his mum helped out with her. Then I had to have a routine operation which went wrong, and in which I almost died. I ended up in intensive care and developed multiple long lasting complications. Because of this, I developed severe PTSD and health Anxiety. Bearing in mind we had only been together two years at this point, he did not cope very well with my severe anxiety after the operation. I was a shell of who I used to be. No confidence.. I thought I was dying constantly, I had no trust or faith in the doctors or health services at all, Had panic attacks and couldn't go places, I could barely look after our daughter on my own… he was extremely impatient with me during this time (which lasted about two years). He would berate me, me, take my phone away from me if I was trying to ring my mum on my dad during a panic attack, he would follow me around the house and film me whilst I was having a panic attack, and he would agree with his parents (who hated me) that I was a bad mother. It all came to a head one day when he threw some car keys at my face over something petty, and then ran away with my daughter and took her into his parents house. The police were called and felt it was a domestic matter, so we went through the courts and we both got joint custody. I was extremely lonely during this time - my mum did come up to help support me but she has a full-time job so could not stay. I had friends but I wouldn't open up to them. Months later me and my husband got back together. We cut his parents out of our lives because in my mind they were to blame as much as he was. Yet I took him back… But I really think I was very vulnerable and lonely and felt that to keep my daughter with me, that's what I had to do.
Fast forward 10 years, and we had mostly had quite a nice few years together. He was patient whilst I had time off work to recover, he supported us financially. He was a fun dad to our daughter, and most of the time he kept a lid on his temper. However, looking back I had learnt that I should not rock the boat so I didn't start arguments, I always tried to keep the peace, and I think in a way I was doing this to keep us all together, and I was directing my anger at his family rather than him. After 7 years since the operation (which left me with so many mental and physical complications) I won my case and received compensation. I used a lot of that money to buy us a family home outright - so no mortgage or rent (we'd rented prior to this).
In 2021 we found out I was pregnant with our 'surprise' baby. After my operation which went wrong, they had told me I probably won't be able to have children again so this was an absolute blessing. I absolutely loved the pregnancy and had an amazing elective C-section. I was in control and felt so calm and so at peace. His birth was so healing and I felt amazing.
My confidence was soaring and I finally felt like I could be the mother I always wanted to be in those early years that I missed out on with our daughter due to being so ill. His family did not contact us during this time and only would contact him but did not offer any Congratulations of any sort. A few months after our son was born my husband was weirdly very grumpy and very snappy, I blamed the fact that his mother was asking him if she could meet our baby but only at her house and without me around... to which I obviously refused. So to keep the owace I reached out and allowed her to come over to our house to meet him.
From then on we have tried to rebuild a relationship and although I don't trust her or his family , because I know they hate me (!), I did want my son to know who his grandparents were and he likes seeing them.
3 years ago he proposed. We'd been together 13 years at this point and it made sense and felt natural. However, I ended up paying for the wedding pretty much by myself out of my compensation money. This was around £15,000. He did not offer to pay any of it and if I ever asked him, he would get very very angry. It ruined the whole wedding for me and I still wish we hadn't done it to this day (for several reasons).
We got married in the September (2 years ago) and that Christmas he suddenly started to be really aggressive again. I remember that boxing day he called me an "ugly fat c*t" because he'd cooked a roast beef and I said, don't worry about cooking any cabbage with it… Things have been just getting worse since then. He calls me fat on a daily basis, he screams at me, it's physically intimidating (but hasn't actually hit me), because my name is constantly, because I am a stay at home mum and he goes to work. He now calls me lazy repeatedly. He says I'm a lazy bastard(the house is clean and no one would ever say it isn't), I'm a fat mess, I will die before I'm 45 because I'm not fit like him, I sponge off him... etc. He throws things, is angry all the time, swears etc. All infront of the kids. Our daughter is 15 now and she hears it all, and she comes down and yells back at him... which he can't stand so he calls HER names like "rat" etc. she is now having issues with anxiety and has been leaving lessons because she feels anxious. School are aware of this and of what's going on at home because she has told them, and I am in touch with her head of year.
Last summer. The police arrived at our door at 11:30 pm in the evening. We were all in bed and I had no idea why they were there. They told us that they had had a report of someone hearing him shouting at me and came over to investigate. I was mortified. We live in a lovely area and I love our neighbours who are all decent people.
He actually hadn't been shouting that day, but had shouted the day before, and was slamming doors to outside etc. he was fixated on that point and was yelling at the police saying that I must have rang the police to "stitch him up " .. he was pacing around the house and they obviously took a dislike to him because of his attitude . I was calm (I never shout as I don't what are the children to hear let alone one), but he came storming in and started telling the police that I had hit him once. He was screaming and screaming. "she hit me! She hit me!". Like a child. Everyone just looked at him. The police asked me if I was okay, I said things have been really bad between us but there's not been any physical abuse. They asked him to leave because he was so worked up. He Left the house and ended up being gone for a month because I would not let him back.
During that month, I was really happy and very confident and I had everything worked out and felt really calm. He would continue to see the kids three times a week.. Stupidly I allowed him back to try once more. He gave me assurances that he would not act the same way as he was previously, obviously that didn't last.
In the past year, we have not had any sexual relations at all because I don't want him anywhere near me. Why would I want someone to touch me who calls me fat every single day? He is obsessed with fitness and running and he goes out at least three times a week to do those hobbies, whereas I just stay at home and look after our son and daughter. Our son is three years old and has a potentially life threatening illness which causes hypoglycemia (not diabetes) which is being investigated. This has caused me to really worry about him over the past year especially, yet my husband doesn't seem to be as worried about it and almost sticks his head in the sand and pretends it's not happening.
This means I feel like I have to manage the whole thing which takes a lot of planning because he needs his snacks and meals planned and I have to keep an eye out how much he eats etc. I feel like I'm doing it all alone. My husband still lives his life the way he wants to live.. he goes running three times a week with his running group, plays poker once a week, and comes and goes as he pleases (sometimes I actually prefer that he's not here as its peaceful in the house).
If I go out anywhere, I come home to a complete mess, and I have no energy to even argue with him anymore. He is a good dad in that he is 'fun' with the kids. He often takes them places, he is willing to work to pay for things they might need, but to me he is absolutely awful and speaks to me like utter crap. He has no respect for me anymore, and I know that by allowing him to speak to me the way he does that he has lost all respect for me so he just continues. Everything I say is disregarded. He has an diagnosed ADHD which runs in his family amongst the men (some have been diagnosed but he refuses to speak to anyone about it for himself), and I just find how he acts very unattractive now, because It feels like I have another child to take care of. He is constantly clashing with our daughter and speaking to her like sh*t and she's constantly asking me to kick him out.
Also over the past year I feel like my anxiety symptoms have come back full force. I am experiencing panic attacks again constantly especially when I'm out.I hate going places now,I don't sleep well and I worry sick that my son will die at any moment if I take my eye off the ball for a single second. I can't drive on busy roads anymore, because I panic (I loved driving ) , and I really would rather just stay at home. It really upsets me because I had years and years of feeling good again and I had so much confidence. I just feel like with him constantly shouting at me and calling me names and my son being so poorly, coupled with the fact I have no family here and they're not very good with coming to visit, I am ALONE, and I have no choice but to stay in this Marriage.
He has made it quite clear that if we split up he will go for half of everything. Which I know legally he can, and I know that a lot of people would think that that was entirely fair, but I have no income at the moment (our son is still only a toddler and I want to start part time work when he's at school and hopefully his condition has settled down and is better managed). The house is paid for with my compensation money- we never would have been able to afforded this house otherwise. I have paid for our cars and all of the furniture in the house, most birthdays for the children and presents, and the wedding. I don't have all that much left and what I do have is tied up in bank accounts trying to make some interest (which is not very much due to the current climate).
I am a shell of my former self and I know it's because he is so cruel to me.
I don't want this at all. I am nervous every weekend because he's home. But Im worried that if he left I would have absolutely no one, and relapse into the horrendous anxiety state I was in 12 years ago, and be the worst mother to my son and daughter, and he'd take them away from me.