Undiagnosed adhd/autism ending my relationship

[shellfone4]

Just as a brief me and dh have been together for 18 years. We have 3 dc 1 who is severely autistic. Things have got a lot harder in recent years as my dc has completely refused to go to school so I've had to give up work and has put a lot of strain on us. My eldest who is 15 has also been kicked out of school so it's all going on he is also under assessment for adhd. About 2 years ago dh came to me and suggested he thought I had adhd when looking into it I agreed and then noticed similarities with my eldest. For me it's mainly forgetfulness interrupting conversations, half done jobs around the house etc I also have really bad health anxiety. Ive always looked at adhd as more of someone who struggles with their anger hyper etc as I am quite the opposite I have tried to find ways to help myself keep focused and complete things but although improved still not perfect. My dh has been complaining about the house for years it can get very messy but I feel like ive definitely improved in up keeping the maintenance of the home. But dh still brings these things up every time we have a argument which has resulted in him calling me some very nasty names and blaming me and my family for giving his children these conditions 😭I know this sounds bad as I know I shouldn't think like this but I almost agree with him and blame myself as I feel that I have only bought headache to his life. A few years ago he started to rent a room at his brother in laws house and stays there every so often as he says living with me can get too much sometimes. Ive since found out he had a affair with someone he met on a dating app which resulted in a pregnancy she later terminated. Stupidly I tried to forgive him as he said it was a massive mistake and that he loved me. Months later things have got worse again he said he needs time away more as being at home with me and the kids takes all his money and he is never able to save, I feel like he is making excuses to stay away from me and I'm losing my best friend he's all Ive known I wouldn't cope being on my own. I hate that I have caused this to happen I'm not a argumentative person and I do generally just get upset and go quite as I feel like every single day he's complaining about something whether it be money or things I'm not doing right 😞I feel so lost and broken I don't no know what to do 😭anyone In a similar boat ? Was there anything that helped if you have adhd medication etc, or am I just wasting my time with someone who clearly doesn't love me anymore ? Sorry for long post ❤️

ADHD is the last and smallest of your problem, OP. Can't believe he managed you to convince you that you're the problem. What would you say of you DC's partners would behave like that? You'd say LTB. I am sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.

@OneLinerPoster thank you for your comment :) I agree with you, I would not be happy if it were my dc partner treating them like this. I suppose I've always tried to understand how he is feeling as he is the the one without ADHD so I feel bad and just think he is also under a lot of stress and says things when angry. Although when he apologises after he always says it again so really no lesson learnt, I need to find the strength to let go as hard as it may be I know it's the right decision. Having a child with sever Sen is hard enough I am unable to go out at times as I have to rely on dh to get back from work to ither stay with him or help me take him out. Really hope things will get easier ❤️

Yes your partner should be grateful YOU deal with the difficulties of you DC SEN. If he thinks you have ADHD he should then have even more respect for that. He should muck in and tidy the mess because you both have hard jobs. I know people here say LTB all the time and it's not really that easy, I am not necessarily saying that's what you need to do but there are several red flags in your post.
The fact he says the kids take all his money (sorry...what??? )
The separate house, saying it's too much to live with you, whilst possibly having affairs...is he trying to feel better by redirecting all his faults and anger to you?
I'd do the 'getting your ducks in a row' thing, just in case. Ask someone IRL who can offer practical help.
Do not feel you're the problem.
I am feeling genuinely sad about your post. Not sure why the whole of mumsnet wisdom hasn't reached your here.
If this is not a fake post, I am sending you good vibes and a hug.

Thank you so much it's lovely to have some understanding ❤️I really wish this was a fake post but just a snippet of my life at the minute. Dh does clean and tidy sometimes and I feel like this is part of where the frustration comes as he would rather not do it. It's just very different when he might do it I might have taken all the kids out where as when I do the kids are at home so very difficult to keep it spotless. He has said he's definitely seen improvement but it's been to many years reminding me about things and he's fed up. Money side of things I cannot work as my sons at home so he has had to spend alot on food etc, Just feeling very lonely and sad about my situation I never thought I had adhd/autism and I definitely never thought it was a family thing as there is no one in my family with a child so severe, I feel like he resents me and my family since learning more about the genetics side of things it's really been getting me down. recently he's been staying out more I have to rely on him to Evan go to the shop it's really bad. My dc just refuses to go out he's a big boy,i haven't really got any family support due to where I live so far just really anxious about the future xx

Hello again OP! Just to clarify, when I said you both had hard jobs I meant you are in charge of looking after your DCs.
I don't want to sound patronising but I would urge you to change perspective. The narrative you're telling yourself is very biased and guilt driven. Maybe talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a dear friend?
My dad blamed my mother for my sibling's genetic disorder (something completely different), and everything else would be her fault too , any trait of our personalities he did not enjoy would be something we had taken from 'that side of the family'. As a child that was hard to see. Such a cruel thing to do to her, and us too. It was hard to see my mom putting up with that, I know she was also feeling territbly guilty.
She should have not. It really does not make any sense to blame a partner for this. I'd be more worried about what the impact of his behaviour ( something he has got actually control over!) On your DCs is

Your DH needs to come to terms with the fact that perhaps his life hasn't turned out as easy as he hoped, stop being childish and blaming others ( I m being v. Kind to your husband here).

He has DC he should be loving unconditionally irrespective of their conditions...just the way they are. and he id supposed to love you just the way you are.

I hope you have a safe financial set up (your name on the house etc). I'd collect evidence of affairs and his abusive behaviour ( i am sorry but that's what it sounds like)

BTW, I don't have an ADHD diagnos but have many of the symptoms and understand the struggle with staying on top of things. It's hard. He should be understanding and supporting you, not telling you off.

Life is too precious to be treated like this.

You need to get out of the guilty trap and be kinder to yourself.