Is one of us gaslighting?!

[MyVIsForVendetta]

Having trouble in my relationship and I don’t know up from down at the moment.

My partner is away after a fall out yesterday.

We have been messaging all morning and getting nowhere.

She says to me “I can be home in an hour or I can stay the night at the night at my mums.”

I was panicking and didn’t know what to say, she kept asking and I eventually said stay at your mums.

She went mad and said I must be having someone stay over then (im not), she started was angry and panicking that I wanted her away so I could fuck someone else.

I felt dumbfounded and said these were the options she gave me.

She said I was gaslighting her.

i can’t see how I was. Was I? She says I unintentionally gaslight her all the time and I’m worried she is right.

She often gives me options like this and gets mad when I choose the wrong one.

im so fucking confused.

there is of course more context but for now I really need to figure out if im unintentionally gaslighting my partner.

I don’t think it matters tbh, but doesn’t sound like you were gaslighting her in this instance. What matters is that you are both miserable. She doesn’t trust you and, if she is constantly giving you options then flying off the handle saying you picked the wrong one, she also sounds pretty abusive. Is this how you want to live?

She was saying, 'do you want to reconcile immediately or do you want us to stay pissed off with eachother'. So by saying you wanted her to stay at her mum's she thinks you basically still have the hump with her. It's not gaslighting though.
Try and talk through calmly your issue truthfully, and listen to her pov as well.

I don't think that was gaslighting by either of you. She was testing you with those options and you failed the test. She's insecure and needed the security of you fighting to have her with you. But you didn't, you told her to stay at her mum's.

Whatever has led up this I don't know, but you clearly have massive trust and communication issues.

This is the main crux of the issue.

I absolutely freeze. I cannot communicate.
I have a meeting with a relationship therapist next week to try and work through this and communicate more effectively.

she says I’m not shutdown. That im
manipulative.

Asking the obvious here.

If she thinks you’re a gaslighting manipulator who sleeps with people behind her back, and you feel like you can’t say the right thing even when given an option… why are you together?

Because I really really fucking love her and can’t imagine life without her.

And when things are good, they are truly amazing.

Neither of you sound abusive, or manipulative. Certainly not with any intent anyway.

You both actually sound incredibly vulnerable and like you need support.

The relationship might need work, you both might need to work at things, but only you can decide if it’s worth it!

Just end it. Who the fuck can be arsed with this nonesense? I’d be well gone already. She sounds like an exhausting drama queen and I certainly wouldn’t be giving her the satisfaction of playing her stupid games.

She isn’t a drama queen.
she has anxiety which I have caused.

Nope. She’s making you feel guilty for her own behaviour. You are not responsible for another adults behaviour, she is, and it’s something she needs to work on. She’s making her anxiousness and insecurity your fault.

Yes, you could communicate better, not sure why you told her to go to her mums if you wanted her to come home but ultimately, she tested you and you didn’t provide the answer she sought, so now she’s accusing you of gaslighting and manipulation, none of which you are guilty of here.

YOU 👏🏻 ARE 👏🏻 NOT 👏🏻 RESPONSIBLE 👏🏻 FOR 👏🏻 SOMEONE 👏🏻 ELSE’S 👏🏻 BEHAVIOUR 👏🏻 learn this

No wait, yes I am.

Theres more context.

I messaged my ex when I was pissed and deleted it.
I can’t remember what it said but I think it was along the lines of “I’m sorry I handled things badly.” in regards to our break up, a while back.

I have done stupid things like that.

What a bizarre thing to do.

May I ask how old you are?

Bizarre thing to do to message my ex?

im not sure it’s bizarre. Cuntish of me, yes.

I left him for a woman, came out the closet and handled things very badly.

I wanted to apologise. And I did it in a very dickhead way.

No matter what you have done that triggered this, you’re still not responsible for how someone else chooses to react to it. THEY are responsible for how they respond. She could have chosen to walk away or clearly communicate her boundaries going forward, not act like a petulant child throwing accusations about. If she can’t trust you, she could ‘say sorry this relationship won’t work’. Instead, she made the choice to test your loyalty and make a big drama because she’s insecure. That’s the issue. This relationship has disaster written all over it.

She did set boundaries about messaging him.

I totally agreed with those boundaries.

I have children with him so some contact is a given.

I can't see that either of you is gaslighting the other.

Having said that, you don't sound happy, and neither does she.

Wouldn't it be better just to end things?

I don’t want to.

But she’s clearly not sticking to those boundaries is she? Because if she was, she would have walked away the minute she found out you messaged your ex outside of necessary contact. She didn’t, she choose to play childish games. If she’s telling you that you can’t contact your ex at all even about your child, then she’s a weirdo and controlling and you shouldn’t accept that boundary.

Frankly, the relationship sounds utterly toxic. I’d get rid of her like a flash, never mind make excuses for her. Work on your self esteem if you think this is normal and acceptable. The best thing to do is end it, and if you don’t want to then I don’t know why you bothered posting really. It’s only going to get worse.

She does sound very insecure and OP sounds like she has unresolved guilt because of the way relationship with ex ended. And as there’s a child involved then it’s best to try and keep things as friendly as possible with the ex.

OP I understand why you messaged your ex when you were drunk. If your partner wasn’t so secure perhaps she’d have seen that this was not a bad thing but was to benefit your child with ex. Maybe joint counselling would also help?

It doesn’t sound like a healthy and loving relationship you’re in at the moment. It sounds like it’s full of drama and toxicity and it will make you both ill from stress.

Please can you quote whoever you're responding to.

@MyVIsForVendetta are you shutting down because you're scared of her response? If so then the relationship isn't healthy. But you should tell her that you struggle with communicating and are seeing someone about it. Maybe she needs to consider doing the same. Things shouldn't really be this difficult if you're right for eachother.

You may love her to bits, but if she is not good for you then you can't stay in this relationship.

She has big issues with trust, causes drama, sets you tests to see if you fail, can't communicate honestly, and is possessive and jealous, e.g. about you texting your ex.
That text was harmless. Would she throw a wobbly if you texted anyone else to apologise for something? Are you allowed to have other friends and text them?

What future is there in this? Will she be a good step-mother to your children? Do you intend to introduce your children to her?

You are frightened of her, which is why you freeze. You are too quick to think things are your fault, too quick to take the blame on yourself.

You need to continue with your counselling, even if you don't end this toxic relationship just yet.

This is a very unhealthy relationship for both of you with poor communication and little trust and histrionics on both sides and concepts such as gaslighting thrown around.

exactly where are your children in all of this? Because this very much sounds like a teenage relationship (understandable perhaps for you of this is your first real foray into a same sex relationship) but not one that seems to have proper roots

love isn’t enough and it certainly isn’t enough when children are involved.

you both need separate counselling and work on yourselves not in a relationship with each orher