How do you know if they are right for you.

[kerry19834]

I’ve been single for a while, and recently I started seeing someone. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about him—whether I see him as just a friend or something more. He’s really kind, considerate, and we do share some common interests. So far, we’ve gone on four dates: a couple of meals, a walk, and drinks before heading back to his place. The conversations have been okay—there’ve been a few awkward pauses, maybe 20 seconds here and there, which makes things feel a bit clunky at times.
He seems like such a good guy, though. After our first date, we kissed, and we’ve kissed on every date since. On the fourth date, he invited me back to his house, and we ended up having sex. It was…fine. Not electrifying or anything—he finished really quickly—but he made sure I enjoyed myself, which I appreciated.
Here’s where I’m torn: in all my past relationships, there’s always been this undeniable spark. I just don’t feel that with him. At the same time, he’s genuinely the nicest guy, and he really takes care of me. My previous relationships, where that spark was there, were toxic, so part of me wonders if I should push through and keep getting to know him. I just don’t know what to do.

You shouldn’t settle for someone just because they’re nice even though you don’t really have a physically attraction to them.

I am not sure if I am attracted to them, in the past it has been instant attraction and I am just not sure.

He doesn’t sound like he is for you. Nice enough but probably no real spark.

Long term nice beats initial intimacy, I would persevere.

I agree. Sometimes a slow burn grows and end up as a brilliant relationship.

In your shoes OP I’d probably give it a few more dates and if nothing changes for you after 3/4 more then end things but give it a chance to grow.

How have the previous lusty sparks ended though? It’s a very individual thing but sometimes attraction can be a slow burn. For me in my long term relationships it’s never been based on physical attraction - it’s definitely been more of us getting along really well and getting to know each other which makes us feel very close and then getting to know each others bodies and being willing to explore and share feelings.

To me all of that trumps initial butterflies and the first spark which sometimes fizzles quite quickly if they can’t hold a conversation or communicate properly.

Maybe give it a bit longer and just see how it goes - you’ll either feel it getting stronger or you won’t.

The older I get the more I think that what people mean by 'spark' is actually 'anxiety.'

And by that I mean you are excited to get a text from them for example. But that's because you're never sure where you stand with them, so it's a 'phew, he does like me after all' relief. And you mistake that as something good. Whereas it's actually the opposite.

All my relationships that I had a 'spark' with, have failed. Maybe time to try something new.

Don’t agree about the anxiety but I do agree an instant attraction isn’t necessarily a good thing. The only partner I had where there was an immediate spark was the crappiest relationship I ever had.

Previous partners, including my ex H of 27 years, we were friends first and it grew organically.

I very very rarely feel an immediate attraction but there’s something there that makes it worth exploring and it grows gradually into something great.

The older I get the more I think that what people mean by 'spark' is actually 'anxiety.'

I don't necessarily agree with that but I do think that the spark isn't necessarily indicative that you're going to be compatible in a relationship.

Tricky one … I think intimacy and sexual chemistry are important, however “nice” or kindness, thoughtfulness and good communication are the most important things in the longer term.

Maybe see how it pans out?

I would give it a bit more time. He sounds like a nice guy and attraction can build as you get to know someone.