Can't stand my husband touching me

[Newname25]

Been married for 18 years and have 2 teenagers. Have wanted to leave for 12 of them years. Tried a few times but both himself and my family put major pressure on me to stay. My friends all adore him too.

I'm miserable with him. He is diagnosed with ADHD and uses it as an excuse to snap and be in a bad mood. Won't go.to anyone or consider medication.

I'm trying to get my ducks in.a row but will take at least 6 months financially. Meanwhile he tried to snuggle me last night and this morning and I flinched and pushed him away.

Any suggestions on how to get through this. I can't stand him coming anywhere near me. He is very emotionally manipulative and needy so won't make this easy on me.

Do you have a spare room you could move into?

Stop living for everyone else and do what's right for YOU. The biggest lie we're ever taught is to put others before ourselves because if we don't we are selfish. Now go and live the life you want. Make yourself happy x

Unfortunately I don't

I am planning to.do this finally but just need about 6 months to straighten myself financially

You need to ‘separate’ even if you stay living together for now. You tell him the marriage is over. Until then he will continue to believe you are married. It doesn’t seem fair.

Just leave.
Stop living your life for other people. Your friends and family don’t have to live with him so fuck what they say!!

I've tried to leave so many times but he uses emotional blackmail to keep me here. He will make things very difficult financially so I need to wait about 6 months

I know! I've wasted so many years by listening to them and him. I've had a good bit of counselling so that has helped

I really feel for you… I know how it feels to flinch at partner touch and can only imagine what’s going on in your mind… please just make sure that if you’re SURE you want to leave, as you say try and get everything covered- speak to family, friends- anyone you can trust. Leave a paper trail in the form of emails, texts, anything- if you don’t feel up to telling people right now. It sounds brutal but it’ll help you later on. I sound cruel I know but you are strong and you can do this (or not if you decide against it) just take care.
im not preaching or pretending to be an expert coz I’m not, I just unfortunately have some experience in this type of situation.
i wish you all of the luck and love in the world x

Thank you. I'm so angry with him too because he is going to cling on for dear life. And yet he won't do anything about his explosive anger or moods

if you manage to get everything in order then he can’t cling as hard. If you’re as steadfast in your decision then ditto. I know I sound brutal but I helped look after my Mum through her divorce and I’m an only child so I picked up a few things- emotionally- financially- practically… that I would want to know myself if ever in that position.
the main thing is to try and keep yourself steady and mentally robust- lean on anyone you can definitely reliably trust- stay safe psychologically and physically- and do what’s best FOR YOU.
this is your life- grab it and don’t let go- but please don’t fall in to the trap of unnecessary arguments- because everybody loses.
hold your head high and move on (if that’s what you want and need), obviously with time it might become clearer, just try and be the better person you know you are So you can live the happier life you deserve. Btw I know sometimes financial affairs take a while to sort out. I’m not sure where you live but maybe worth asking a legal expert where you stand. If you leave are you risking delay? From what you say he’s not going to leave swiftly/willingly, but you’ve sought mental health support (that’ll be on record, confidentially)- does this mean you feel in any way under threat (this includes financially and mentally)? All of these factors stack up as reasons why YOU need to feel secure, like I say I’m not an authority just going on personal experience. Wishing you luck x

Sleeping separately would be ideal but I know you’ve said you can’t do that. Are you preparing in secret (as in unable to tell him what you’re planning because you’re worried about your safety?). Are the kids safe? Make sure you get the important docs out of the house now - birth certs, bank statements, passports, marriage cert…. Try and stash some money aside secretly too. Self stuff on eBay or vinted if you have to. Make sure you have a cushion of funds as you’ll need it when you go.

As for him touching you - just say it makes you feel uncomfortable and don’t want to. If he forces it then it’s assault.

If you’re worried about his temper and he has form for this then speak to a DV charity such as women’s aid and they’ll give you advice as to how to do this.

Above all stay strong and don’t give in to his manipulative tactics.

Thank you. Myself and the kids are safe. My plan is to get rid of credit card debt (jointly built up) and then request we go to couples counselling to break it to him with the help of a professional.