What do you wish you knew about getting divorced?

[Unhappyheart]

I really wish I’d known that just because a solicitor said something that it didn’t make it true and I was under no obligation to ‘defend’ myself to what they said. Wasted so much time and money doing that.
my friend just getting divorced and in a terrible state do trying to give her some advise with the benefit of hindsight. TIA

How irresistible I'd suddenly become to other women's husbands 🙄

That one always pissed me or being excluded because I was a single woman.

Yes it’s so weird isn’t it. Or getting invited but on your own instead of bringing a friend as a plus one? People just don’t get it. 😩

That solicitors are utter sharks who delight in stirring shit and making everything ten times worse.

I know!! The things they say!!
I was all for reporting them and all that but then you just end up destroyed with no energy so they get away with it.

The ONLY thing you must adhere to is the court order. Not solicitors letters. Solicitors profit from our misery by filling the space with hot air and enabling abusive behaviour. Barristers are your go to for guidance. Find a good direct access barrister on a site (I highly recommend Nicholas Anderson from 1KBW. He saved my life! Paid him for two thorough meetings and an extensive written advisory report. He was spot on in his guidance and worth EVERY penny. I mostly self repped. Had a joke of a solicitor for a bit but got rid). Barristers do not waste your time or money. Don’t go to a direct access barrister site. Look on a website like 1KBW and see which of their barristers offer direct access. Go to the source.

A great example of solicitors just fucking around for a bit of chump change in their pockets: On the 23rd of December, my ex’s solicitor emailed me a ‘We need to discuss the contents of the final order’, which was basically a rewrite of the court order in his solicitor’s terms. I wrote back, “I’ve got a copy of the court order. I understand it clearly. I don’t understand why you needed to charge your client £160 to email me the court order, rewritten in your words. Tell your client next time he wants to burn £160, instead, deposit it into his child’s bank account.”

If you can, use a solicitor up to a point if necessary BUT self rep as much as you can possibly manage. Solicitors really drag out cases. They’re really obsolete in my view.

When you marry, KEEP your surname from birth!! Double barrel your kids’ names (passports- travel with mum, travel with dad made easier post divorce). It’s very likely you won’t grow old with your spouse. Be a good scout. Be prepared! And stay in work!!

I can imagine.

There are always people posting on here when a woman is concerned her husband has a new, newly separated female friend saying, "Not every single/newly divorced woman wants your Nigel," and its true but its often true that 'your Nigel' has an unhealthy interest in the newly single woman!

Always the women that lose out though 🙄

Yes I love all this abc love what you said to his solicitor 🤣🤣🤣
mom just changing my name back now wgat a PITA!! So wish I never changed it!! Very good advise!!

Sorry loads of typos in that! 🤦🏼‍♀️

That verbal agreements will be dropped one by one

Oh god yes. Still happens to me now and I'm 62.

My first divorce was decades ago so things may be better, but one that stands out was that because I was a named driver on the car insurance, as we only had one car, I had no no claims bonus. That pissed me off no end!!

That it was way easier than I thought it would be and I should have done it ages ago.

That people (your ex) can become so incredibly bitter, hurtful and nasty (he left me, so if anything, youd think he'd be the happy one and me the bitter one!).
I learnt not to argue back and learnt to be indifferent. I did back down on a lot of stuff that I partly wish I'd fought for, but just wanted it all done and over...unfortunately, he still dragged it out for years. For no apparent reason.
Good luck.

You will find out who your friends are.

When I left my ex husband, my best friend of 20+ years disappeared.

I expected to lose the joint friends because my ex very much portrayed himself as the injured party, but my oldest friend did hurt.

I’m really sorry to hear that. Did she ever say why?

Yep... experienced myself, heard from friends, been told by my mums generation etc.
Infact don't even need to become single, she was married and got approached by all her friends husbands, married neighbours, my dads work colleagues etc... all with everything to lose, my mum could have said something in a second. They love risk taking, all to empty their balls
Men are generally dogs.

But yeah becoming single seems to send out some kind of siren

@StMarie4me Yeah not sure about this invisibility thing, my mum got a few doing it in her 70s

I’m really cynical. I do think if you’re in your own property post divorce, and you’ve come out the other side with a decent asset, men come sniffing around for a carer. I’d love to say it’s about availability and attraction- and yes of course, there can be men who’ve been waiting in the wings for the woman they love but, I’ll be blunt, at ages 52/62/72 (I’m turning 53 😁 so I’m starting with 52… no man fancies me for my prolapse! 😅) I’m thinking it’s more often about comfort and a carer/companion… an opportunity. Most men cannot be alone and seek security (we just put this on women all the time).

This is so true. I lost friends during / after my divorce, no idea why really, they weren't friends with my ex either. People act so weird around divorce.

That blood really is thicker than water. No matter whose actions resulted in the divorce (ie if you were the innocent/shafted party) or how much your ILs will proclaim they'll always see you as family... eventually battle lines are drawn and unless you're very fortunate, they will cut you off, or at very least become very distant.

Not a huge loss to me as they were a pain in the arse to be honest- but disappointing for our children!