People's experiences with a borderline please help me

[Tingottangomango]

My husband has finally after 8 years been diagnosed with a condition called EUPD which is BPD. They also gave him a mood disorder of bipolar diagnosis. So they started him on quitipine. He hasn't taken it safely and has began to take cocaine and go on benders with his friends. Since diagnosis he's become unbearable and acting up like a child. He missed his review also.

I cannot seem to find online any information that validates borderline relationships being truly manipulative. It also points as a narcissistic individual being dangerous and not one to be romantically involved with. It seems there's alot more sympathy towards the borderlines.

I can only base this on my husband. But he is getting worse and worse. He does as he likes and genuinely doesn't care at all about consequences. He's lost jobs. Friends. Family etc. He is now loosing me.

He has got back in contact with a family member recently. One that he has gone to many times and not spoken very highly of me to. He fully lies about my character to her so she thinks I'm quite unpleasant and unhinged.

He's also stolen alot of my savings and been messing with my head. Once my hammer went missing for 3 days. He clearly had taken it away from the house as it appeared in my wardrobe all scraped up and he told me to go check in there again.

There's just so much manipulation and abuse. I am beginning the process to leave him. But everytime I look for answers or support narcissism comes up but borderline stuff appears to be explained as their intentions being innocent to protect themselves.

Anybody who's experienced this first hand got any advice. I'm doubting so much stuff at the moment..

EUPD is a fully treatable disorder and you can fully recover from it and live a normal life. If your partner was willingly invested in treatment and fully engaging then my advice would be very different.

He's not engaging though, so you need to protect yourself and leave. You can't force him into treatment, and it doesn't work if the don't fully engage anyway so there isn't anything you can do right now.

I have friends who went through treatment and are happy and healthy and have normal functioning relationships now.

The sympathy difference between EUPD and Narcs is that the latter is not treatable in the same way.

He's out of control and god knows what he's doing. I would start making plans to leave.

You don't need to find a general validation for what the condition can do. Your situation is terrible regardless of diagnosis and I'd be genuinely scared for your safety with him coked up and unpredictable and playing games with hammers fgs. Never mind his health, you need to get yourself some help so you can get past him messing with your head and think clearly and leave him. He does not want to get better and you could end up dead.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through all of this. Sounds absolutely awful for you (and him). I can totally see why you feel responsible in trying to help him and likely why you’re looking to validate his actions.

The thing is, diagnosis or not he is behaving terribly and it’s not your responsibility to rescue him. You have tried but he is now besmirching your character. How bad do things need to get before you attend to your own needs and peace of mind?

It’s a very unfortunate and unsafe situation. You have every right to free yourself from it. You have tried to help. If you have children together this needs to happen yesterday! Good luck and well done for reaching out. This is your first step. You can do it.

I'd be leaving him for the cocaine and stealing from you financially alone. You deserve better than this. His diagnosis isn't an excuse to treat you badly.

The sympathy for EUPD is because the cause is childhood trauma.

I would recommend leaving if you are not happy.

It’s possible he has both. Primarily though he has taken this diagnosis and used it as an excuse to behave in this way. You can’t help him right now, you’ll just be destroyed in the process. He doesn’t want help he is acting on his worst impulses and seems to have given up on masking in any way. You need to withdraw emotionally and put all your energy into extracting yourself and your children, if you have any, from this situation.

I was married to an alcoholic who was about to be diagnosed with ADHD and BPD - at the time, who withdrew from the diagnostic process at the very last minute - they needed him to cut down on drinking in order to be able to ensure some symptoms didn’t just arise from alcohol use but he wouldn’t. He too used it as an excuse to continue drinking and behaving terribly. It’s like they are relieved at having the medical reason to just give up on the hard work of keeping their relationships and practical life together.

Hi op, I've worked for years with people with eupd but this is just clear cut abuse and he sounds dangerous. I think you need to make plans to leave as safely and as quickly as possible and do not underestimate his capabilities. I don't want to scare you but the police would class someone with abusive behaviours, substance issues and mh issues as the most likely to murder a partner . His eupd is not the cause of this many people who have eupd wouldn't act like this.

I would leave him based on his behaviour, which may or may not be due to his diagnosis. That said I personally have been very badly burned by people with EUPD and found Mind great for information on how to cope with a loved one with the disorder.

Just to echo PP, this is abusive behaviour regardless of your partners diagnosis.

In my personal experience, cocaine can really affect people's mental health.

It is really neither here nor there that he has a diagnosis for EUPD or bipolar; many people seek treatment and live the best they can with decent relationships. EUPD can even be recovered from completely.

However, if someone doesn't want help, this is a problem. It sounds like addiction issues are as much a problem as the mental health diagnoses. Honestly, OP, it doesn't sound safe to be in this relationship and you should prioritise your own safety and well being.

Hi OP. I think the info you're reading might be emphasising what's happening behind the behaviour of someone with EUPD because there's a lot of stigma out there.

But the thing is, regardless of all that, you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy for you.

If he has EUPD but was engaging with treatment and gaining insight into his behaviour and reducing the impact on his relationships and loved ones, that would be one thing.

But this isn't what's happening.

It is hard to see a love one behaving in destructive ways and makes sense you'd want to understand what was behind it.

But regardless of emotional process is behind it, his behaviour is having a negative impact on you and you don't need to continue the relationship.

It's great to empathise and care about his motives, but unfortunately that doesn't change his actual actions and the harm they do. Only engaging with treatment would do that.

You don't need to understand why he is behaving how he is. It doesn't matter way he does it all that if relevant is whether you want to deal with it or not.

I'd speed up leaving him and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either. Don't bother giving him reasons or explanations. It's pointless. Just leave him.

This

The thing with the hammer is truly terrifying OP. And the cocaine use would be a deal breaker for me on its own. Can you start making plans to leave?

It sounds as though he has decided not to get treatment, whether this is because of the narcissist side may be impossible to tell but it is exactly what happened with my ex. He still refuses to take meds recommended and hasn't seen his psych since 2017 and gets various pills on the black market. He drinks heavily and at least used to do illegal drugs regularly for recreation, so I do feel it meant he felt he was in control in some way (he has to WIN or he belittles, calls names etc). I couldn't handle it - the gaslighting and sudden complete 180 in behaviour meant I never knew what person I'd be waking up to or what they were capable of doing. It was scary and I could not keep a child in that situation. If they engage fully with services and a proper MH plan these diagnoses can be completely regulated and the person "recovers" a lot of their life. I do think perhaps the combination of narcissistic personality disorder means they are more likely refuse to engage with treatment.

Narcissists are just as much trying to protect themselves/survive as those with EUPD and both stem from childhood trauma. Both may have a genetic component. Both involve not having a strong sense of self, both often involve very low self esteem - but those with NPD develop a large ego that needs to be fed by others to try to cope with it. Those with EUPD tend to be appear more vulnerable so tend to garner much more sympathy. Feeling manipulated and abused is not unusual when in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder. There can also be considerable overlap between different personality disorders.

That is all mostly irrelevant though OP IMO. This relationship is making you very unhappy at the end of the day and he is doing nothing to make himself better. The ins and outs and whys and wherefores could be discussed till kingdom come, but you still need to leave this relationship for your own emotional if not physical safety at the end of the day.

he is a risk to you
I would get advice about leaving safely

So I ended it 4 days ago. He's moved in with a friend. I've heard nothing since. I genuinely thought he was a narcissist for a long time but he only saw a professional when he was hearing things and it was an hour appointment. He's always focused on the bipolar since finding out but again doesn't take care of himself.
A few people who have worked with him have told me how Disrespectful he is towards me.
Hrs never been physically violent but has smashed up my mugs in a temper which is intimidating enough.

I feel like he's very manipulative and a compulsive liar. I dont know what you think .... he used to work with "frank" for years in Construction. My husbands 48. Frank's around 64. Still works! A few weeks back my husband was telling me he was having a coffee at Frank's and Frank was supporting him. He lost his phone so he claimed one day he was messaging me from Frank's phone but had put his sim in his phone. One night he was off the rails so I fb messaged Frank and asked if he was still with my husband. He said he hadn't seen him for over a year since he borrowed £40 and ignored him when he contacted him to return it. The worst part was a male rang me one day pretending to be Frank and I also had a message from Frank. So my husband gad a third person helping him lie to me.