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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Genuinely caring or red flag?

9 replies

IronFlame95 · 25/01/2025 20:46

This is off the bat of my last post - I’ll summarise. Been with new partner for 3 months (but casually dated for 3 months before that), we have started seeing each other quite a lot quite quickly (sometimes for half the week) and I have a lot going on in my own life, so I feel like I need to cut the contact back a little bit in order to have some spare time to just re-charge and chill out by myself.
I’ve had quite a hard few MH days (I have PMDD which affects me mentally quite bad) and was meant to be seeing partner this weekend, however as I had already seen them for 3 days earlier on in the week, I said that I wanted to give today a miss and have some time to myself sort of thing. Partner was disappointed but said okay, they will respect what I want to do but then after a while started saying that they felt really uncomfortable at home and needed to get out (their neighbours are quite loud and aggressive at times and they find this triggering). I knew it was a bit of a hint, especially when they started saying about driving near the beaches/forests near my house (we live about 40-45 minutes apart from each other). I didn’t give into the hints and just said okay, have a great drive and I’ll speak to you when you’re home.
A couple of hours later, they show up at my front door. They got a couple of my favourite snacks, said they wanted to see if I was okay and that they wasn’t staying. Now I’ve misjudged people in the past so this is why I’m sort of on the fence about it. On one hand; it’s a really thoughtful thing to do and I know they really care about me and make me feel really loved in loads of different ways. On the other hand; they started asking straight away if it was about them and I think they had anxiety that I was maybe going to end things with them because I’ve been in a bad place the last couple of days? And I feel that they knew I wouldn’t turn them straight away and would let them come in for a while to sit down after driving around etc because that’s the kind of person I am, so I feel in some ways that they didn’t actually respect what I wanted to do today and just made any excuse to get over here today and is this a sign for things to come?
Am I overthinking this and they just genuinely wanted to make sure I was okay and drop me off some snacks or was there an ulterior motive? It also has run through my mind that they don’t like being at home, no-one else was available today so have they just forced their way over to avoid being at home. I really don’t know what to think about this and it’s driving me mad?

OP posts:
skilpadde · 25/01/2025 20:51

Red flag, sorry. Regardless of their motivation for getting out of their house, this person is absolutely refusing to acknowledge or respect your boundaries. It won't get better.

Roryno · 25/01/2025 20:52

Whichever reason it’s not right. You wanted space and a night to yourself. They didn’t respect you… Are they still there? If so I think you need to say “when I said I wanted a night to myself I really meant it. I understand you were worried, although you had no reason to be, but you really need to go home”.

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 21:15

A massive red flag on its own but I’ve just read your other thread and there are huge alarm bells ringing.

Hes trampling over your boundaries OP and you need to be concerned.

You’ve already started to feel suffocated after a few months. This will only keep getting worse as he doesn’t respect your boundaries

IronFlame95 · 25/01/2025 21:25

Roryno · 25/01/2025 20:52

Whichever reason it’s not right. You wanted space and a night to yourself. They didn’t respect you… Are they still there? If so I think you need to say “when I said I wanted a night to myself I really meant it. I understand you were worried, although you had no reason to be, but you really need to go home”.

They have gone home now, they kept apologising for just turning up, but they just needed to make sure I was okay apparently…

OP posts:
IronFlame95 · 25/01/2025 21:27

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 21:15

A massive red flag on its own but I’ve just read your other thread and there are huge alarm bells ringing.

Hes trampling over your boundaries OP and you need to be concerned.

You’ve already started to feel suffocated after a few months. This will only keep getting worse as he doesn’t respect your boundaries

I honestly feel like the main reason for coming round, or one of the main reasons, is that because I asked for space - they automatically thought I was going to break up with them… because they are already quite clingy and have said things like please don’t ever leave me because it would break me etc, and the first thing they asked was if everything was okay between us sort of thing and it does make me concerned if it’s like this now, how are things going to be in the future?

OP posts:
MagentaRavioli · 25/01/2025 21:27

🚩🚩🚩

Cavello · 25/01/2025 21:29

MagentaRavioli · 25/01/2025 21:27

🚩🚩🚩

This

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 21:30

IronFlame95 · 25/01/2025 21:27

I honestly feel like the main reason for coming round, or one of the main reasons, is that because I asked for space - they automatically thought I was going to break up with them… because they are already quite clingy and have said things like please don’t ever leave me because it would break me etc, and the first thing they asked was if everything was okay between us sort of thing and it does make me concerned if it’s like this now, how are things going to be in the future?

Even more red flags. Theyre using emotional blackmail already which is a huge flag for control and manipulation.

Honestly I wound seriously be thinking about getting out now before the manipulation gets even worse

LostittoBostik · 25/01/2025 21:39

Your update makes it worse. Retreat a lot.

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