Husband doesn’t find me sexually attractive

[Clemmytines]

We’ve been together 20 years, three dc 11-15. We get on great as a couple and also love time together as a family. We have a nice lifestyle, which we equally contribute to. But for the last 18 months dh doesn’t want sex. He’s been suffering from depression and has been having counselling which has helped hugely. He seems much better and is being very proactive in improving his wellbeing: going running/playing squash, going out more with mates, visiting friends from uni, changing jobs so he has a better work life balance.

All great, but he hasn’t been proactive in helping improve our sex life, even though we’ve spoken lots about it and he knows how important it is to me. He says he’s lost his libido. When I asked if he still found me sexually attractive he said no, but he doesn’t find anyone attractive, he just has no interest. We’re both in our early 40s and both look after ourselves. I’ve not put weight on and make an effort with my skincare and hair.

I don’t know what to do. I do still love him and the children would be devastated if we split up. My lifestyle would be very different, with less money and holidays, a smaller house, less disposable income. He says he wants to stay together as a family but I’m not sure i can just be friends with my husband. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Your DH has depression - that can make someone go off sex. I congratulate him on having counselling - that's tough, especially for men who, generally find it tougher to expose themselves than women - God knows why, but that's a subject for another discussion.

You talk about your skincare weight etc - that should make no difference, if he loves you a few extra pounds, some wrinkles etc should make no difference. You are not at fault. The fact that he says that he finds no-one attractive suggests to me that his counselling needs to continue, perhaps with your involvement.

I'm nearly 62 have been married 3 times, My first husband killed himself, my second husband sounds like your husband as we had a sexless marriage for the 8 years that we were married before I divorced him. On reflection I only married him because I thought (and he was) a steady person who would be a good father to my DS. But I realised that I couldn't live in a sexless marriage - we were like brother & sister, good friends, but no marriage as I understand it.

My 3rd husband is my last and greatest love.

In my experience the less sex that you have the more acceptable not having sex becomes. Sex is a bit of a habit and you seem to have got out of the habit. As I say I'm nearly 62 my DH is 70 we have sex at least twice a week. Sometimes we have a 'lie down' in the afternoon. I may dress in some sexy undies & masturbate myself with his help or masturbate him, sometimes I will get my 'buzzy friend' out and he will use it for me. What I'm saying is we don't always have penetrative sex, but we have fun together & keep that closeness. Maybe you both need to build his confidence with this - no pressure just see where it goes?

I understand that's not so easy with young children in the house, but presumably they visit friends for parties etc.

Alternatively you may decide as I did (like you I had a very nice life with a large house & a couple of flats that we let out) but I decided a sexless marriage (with separate bedrooms) wasn't what I wanted and I moved on. I never regretted that - especially 4 years after being single I met my wonderful DH.

Thanks for replying @NotthinglikeaBondGirl. So sorry to hear about your first husband but so wonderful to hear you’re with the love of your life now.

I’ve been very supportive during dh’s depression, understanding that his sex drive will be badly affected. I think it’s more that he’s feeling much more like himself again after 12 months and is doing everything he can to improve his life, but seems to have forgotten about trying to improve our marriage. He said he’d try to be more affectionate but I’m not sure if that will feel like he’s almost forcing himself to give me a hug. I want my husband to want to hug and kiss me not feel like he has to.

I’m in a similar situation. My husband has no interest in me anymore and it hurts, when I try to talk about it he says he will try but like you I want him to want me not feel sorry for me and force himself to feel something he doesn’t. We have young children and leaving isn’t something I would consider, sorry I’m not much help just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Sorry you’re going through this too @PlumFairies It’s incredibly hurtful, isn’t it. I just want to feel close to my husband but instead it’s like living with a friend.

Is he on medication? Many of the commonly prescribed SSRI medications cause loss of libido. If he is taking medication, there may be nothing much he can do about it for now but, when he comes off the tablets, sexual function is likely to return.
Try to keep some closeness in the meantime. It's hard to resume a sexual revolution if you have forgotten what each other look like and feel like naked.

There needs to be more general awareness that many men don't want sex or have low libidos and it's the women left wanting.
It's usually said that all men are like dogs on heat, which makes it seems more hurtful when they end up not wanting sex. But the truth is many men don't want it
He should be making an effort to try and resolve it like he has everything else

You’ve broken the habit/routine now it’s just awkward

Same here. Been together 20 years. No.kids together, late 50s. Haven't had sex for over 5 years.

Is there no intimacy at all?

He needs to speak to his Dr and take it from there. It's really common to go off sex when you're depressed and ADs also lower libido.

I'd also put a limit on how long you're prepared to put up with this because you don't want to be celibate for the next ten years.

It’s hard because I know he loves me very much but I don’t know how to fix things between us. I think he thinks I will just put up with it forever because in many aspects of the relationship I am content.

He can't love you that much if he won't put any effort into improving the physical side of your relationship.

Sounds like it’s an issue with depression rather than you. He’s getting help at least to get better. Most men seem to egnore the fact depression can affect them and get no help. Support him through this time and seek connection in other ways. When my depression gets bad I don’t want anything to do with sex and it can last months. I’ve not had any want for intimacy for a couple of years now. I can’t seem to shift this awfull episode of deep depression. Depression is awful, I don’t think people truly understand it until you have or are living it.