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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Haven't spoken to anyone since last sunday

41 replies

Dawningoftheageofaquarius · 25/01/2025 14:06

I WFH most of the week and only speak to people when I'm in the office, in essence my life hasn't changed since COVID. I don't know how to change this, going for a walk is pointless because people don't interact. I've been for a coffee and just sat there like a lemon with my book while all the other tables of groups and couples sat there having a great time. I've joined some clubs and tried speaking to people but it was clear they had their group and weren't interested in others interjecting (physically turning backs to me, not paranoia). This is my only outlet really, I don't do social media. I'm not looking for solutions to this I just wanted to put it somewhere.

OP posts:
midgetastic · 25/01/2025 17:25

But also given the high percentage of the population who claims to be lonely - there are lots of people out there looking for friendships - make sure you don't overlook the quiet ones, the ones who look a little odd ( because lack of human relationships makes you odd) , the really shy ones who dare not ask for your phone number

So persistence, openness , patience

Jewel1968 · 25/01/2025 17:29

I know you didn't ask for advice and just wanted to share. People are sharing ideas that might benefit the rest of us. I realise the friendships I have made are probably from work and other mums. I used to do volunteering too. I have to tell myself to be open to friendships and make an effort. I can get very lazy.

Whoyoutakingto · 25/01/2025 17:30

In my village these are the options-
Volunteer with the book exchange (3 different days to choose from)
Rainbows,Brownies,Guides,Cubs &Scouts.
Sports Club, you could help with teams, work at the bar or go to the socials.
Zumba or Yoga.
Choice of 3 different churches and their activities including afternoon tea on Saturday.
Local hospice fundraising group.
A group which makes a 3 course Lunch for over 70s once a month.
WI

There are probably more , volunteer at the local hospice is definitely a recommendation not necessarily with patients but there is lots of help needed with all sorts of things.

TheBluntTurtle · 25/01/2025 17:30

Hi OP, I don’t have any other suggestions different from what others have put but I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in feeling lonely and a lot of people are in the same situation. It is so hard making friends as an adult, and the rejection does knock you back. Youre really brave for trying so just keep going!

DeloresVonCartier · 25/01/2025 17:33

I hear you, I've been there. I hope it's a comfort knowing that other people understand loneliness and isolation, you're neither odd nor alone.

skamama · 25/01/2025 17:34

Hi op! Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely ATM. I was in a very similar boat, I've worked from home ever since COVID. I joined a boxing gym and have made some amazing friends. If there is a local one to you I would highly recommend it. Everyone is so kind and encouraging it's done my confidence wonders and no you don't have to spar if that's not what you are into

Winterskyfall · 25/01/2025 17:35

I agree with those suggesting volunteering. I feel like those that volunteer will be more open to interactions.

Frequency · 25/01/2025 17:37

Moulook31 · 25/01/2025 16:54

Join an exercise class. Get a dog. People and other dog owners will talk to you, especially if you are walking regularly in the same place.

I was also going to suggest a dog. Not only will you have the dog for company but dog walkers are a friendly bunch (unfortunately for unsociable dog walkers). I can only manage a solo dog walk if we go at 5 am before everyone else is up. At normal walking time, there is always someone wanting to stop for a chat or walk with me so our dogs can socialise. The dog has a better social life than my kids do.

Ihatemondays1962 · 25/01/2025 17:39

Rozbos · 25/01/2025 16:09

Going to a gym that does classes? I do CrossFit so it's all classes and everyone chats to each other before after (sometimes during)!

I would suggest this too. I go to two or three classes a week and pretty much always end up having a random chat with someone before or after the class and am now pretty friendly with some of the people I see regularly.

InvisibleStrings · 25/01/2025 17:43

I live alone and WFH and mostly it's good for me as an introvert with social anxiety. Sometimes I realise it's been weeks without speaking to another human and feel a bit sad but then I read a few AIBU threads and remember that life is much more peaceful without people and their drama

batshitaboutcatshit · 25/01/2025 17:47

Well done for reaching out on here. I wonder if you maybe need to join some different groups? Are you on Facebook? There are lots of different meet up groups usually advertised on there.
There's also an app or website called Meet Up which might be helpful.

I know how you feel, many years ago when I was early 20s I would go for many days not speaking to anyone and I was so so lonely. There was no social media so I had no way of meeting anyone. Only ended up getting out of it by getting a new job - not sure if this is a possibility for you? Or asking to work in the office more?

Dariendreamer · 25/01/2025 17:59

Uol2022 · 25/01/2025 16:45

Could you briefly share some solutions for interested third parties who happen on this thread? I’ve recently moved and after initially doing well meeting people I’ve stalled a bit. Feel like I’ve exhausted the most obvious options.

I didn’t want to post solutions as this could perhaps infer that the OP isn’t doing it right or trying hard enough. It doesn’t come easy to me and personally I do struggle with it so I have a lot of empathy.

But my things I do:

I do have a dog and walking dogs are an easy way to engage in small talk. I’m not suggesting get a dog as it may not suit your lifestyle but if you like dogs, this could be volunteering with an animal rescue and talking a dog out for a walk (2 opportunities to chat - once at the rescue and again out and about). Or something like Cinnamon Trust where you drop in to help people who are ill or elderly with their pets.

walking without a dog in your neighbourhood. Say hello, smile, nod every time. Eventually people get used to seeing you and will acknowledge you back. It takes time. Litter pick while you do it. People see you putting in the hard work.

volunteering is tricky. You have to be quite thick skinned. Some groups have distinct agendas and don’t like it when new people are to vocal about making suggestions about different ways to do things from the outset. Be a reliable worker bee. Mouth shut, ears open. Bide your time.

Take a class. Not to be confused with go to a weekly hobby group. Hobby Groups have established pecking orders. In a class, everyone is usually new. Don’t just take one class, find no one you gel with, and stop. Take a different class. Unless you don’t like the “school”

Befriend people standing alone at these things. Or those people who look like they are working hard to make small talk. They’re there for the same reason you are. Sometimes they are lovely, sometimes they are lunatics. Don’t be upset by the lunatics.

Join a walking group. DH joins a cycle group and a running group. I’m not that athletic.

Practice small talk doing errands. I’m not good at chit chat face to face. My brain freezes because I haven’t spoken to anyone and I say stupid stuff like “see to nice you” or “good a have one” The more I practice with randoms the less likely I’m to do it with a future friend.

Say yes to anything you’re invited to do. Even if you’re not keen. You might find someone else, smiling through gritted teeth. Obviously be careful. “do you want to see the puppy I have in my van”. Is a red flag.

Try not to look for friends in places you’re not going to find them. We had some lovely neighbours with a large social group who invited the whole neighbourhood to things. We went, but I found these gatherings crushing. Bottom line, they were mums with kids. I’m not a mum with kids. Their kids at at the age where their whole life revolves around their kids. I’m still friendly with them, but I’m no longer disappointed I’m not invited to say, their kids birthday parties. They wouldn’t want to go to a kids birthday unless they had to. Stuff like that.

Like cooking? Volunteer at a place that serves meals to the elderly.

Drive? Meals on wheels.

Look at the skills you have. Can you share them?

Community gardening. Allotments?

sorry, gotta go. Will post more later.

graceinspace999 · 25/01/2025 18:00

I has the same problem when I moved to a new county and was working from home.

Then I saw an advert from a woman asking people who work from home to join her in a local cafe.

She had no idea if anyone would turn up but had reserved a table for 4

8 people turned up including myself and it became a weekly event that we all enjoyed. We even had a little Christmas party.

Why not give it a go, OP, there’s nothing to lose 😀

Dariendreamer · 25/01/2025 19:53

I just wanted to add to my ramblings that the more you do, the more you have to talk about when making small talk.

Eg. At the walking group, I started talking about all the places I’ve been trying to find the very nicest cake in the area. (Yes, eating cake can be an hobby 😂) so now I go once a week and eat cake with someone from the walking group.

When I just did the work/home combo with nothing else going on, I didn’t have a lot to actually talk about.

Always talk about things or experiences, not people. New people are wary of gossips.

I’ve also had to learn that a superficial friend is better than no friends. I agree with the PP who said those deep connections are few and far between. Sometimes you get chemistry. Sometimes you don’t.

Ive also had to learn that my friends may not look like who I think my friends would look like. People my age are mums. People with free time on their hands in the evenings like me are slightly older because their kids are more independent. Or younger where they’ve not had kids yet, but be warned, they tend to peel off who they do. Understandably.

But yeah, it’s horrible to have to put yourself out there. But eventually you find your people.

danid26 · 25/01/2025 21:15

Hi OP ❤️

It is definitely worth looking into social prescribing, its relatively new within the NHS but it's definitely worth the research! Good luck ❤️❤️❤️

PandoraFrontier · 26/01/2025 12:35

92%.

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