Parents and one sided relationship

[Gingercatlover]

Does anyone else have parents that never visit unless a birthday, never contact you, never suggest doing anything?

How do you cope with it? I realise that it is an issue for me, but because they are my parents I don't feel able to deal with it.

If I don't visit it will be no contact until the next birthday, for context they live a five minute drive away and In fairly good health, both retired.

I feel like I'm bubbling over with resentment at their lack of any care towards me, when I do visit Mum will be sat there scrolling on FB, which again says to me she's not interested.

They are generous with money at birthdays though and this clouds my judgement of what is going on?

TIA

Hi OP. I’m wondering what your childhood was like? Were you nurtured and cherished? You say you don’t feel able to deal with it. Can you explain more?

My mum is the same, 2 minute visit on Xmas Eve, never seen again till next year, has always been the same

Well o keep going over my childhood and I'm not too sure, really.

Never any empathy when I had any problems, Dad very critical and never showed any emotion.

But cherished, no. Never told me they are proud or that they love me, Dad didn't even know when it was my 40th birthday

He has got better as he has retired but you know he has never called me on the phone or ever messages me, I think he just does what my Mum wants.

It seems to have got worse in the last five years really, but don't feel I can bring it up with them.

To the outside world they appear the worlds best grandparents to my Son but not my Daughter, I have been told my Mum was so proud by virtual strangers of my Son getting into uni, but she never told us.

I just don't know how to be with them? I feel like showing the same effort as they do, but can't come to terms with doing this. I feel I now only visit out of obligation.

Thanks for asking and sorry for the long post.

How do you deal with it and sorry you are in the same situation, it breaks my heart when I see how close some families are.

I feel like showing the same effort as they do, but can't come to terms with doing this.

This is probably a place to start. Think about why you feel unable to approach it with them. Have you ever thought about therapy? You’re not being sensitive or silly. I add this because I know I spent years thinking I was just ungrateful and that it was my problem that I couldn’t feel loved by them because I was too needy.

This is my mum. A good few years ago now before she got old, I phoned and cried and told her I needed her to call me occasionally, to make our relationship less one sided. But she never did so it’s still just me phoning her, arranging to see her. She can’t drive to us now so we have to go to her, but we have to invite ourselves, we never get invited. She never initiates anything. I really hate it. Despite this she still has the audacity to say I don’t see her enough, that I’m too busy to but yet she can’t even pick up the phone to call me! I know she’s not going to change now and is now alone and getting old so I just have to keep instigating the contact.

I can relate an awful lot. My issues with my parents came to a head when they treated my sister horribly, and we've been NC for a few years now.

Like you, I'd been gradually feeling more and more ignored and forgotten, and it just hurt. I did decide to finally tell them how I felt, after the blow up with my sister, and their response was to be offended, call me ungrateful and insist they never acted in any hurtful way towards me. I've had to find what peace I can in just accepting that they will never be the parents I need, and that they will never love me or show love in a way that fills the void in my heart that parents are supposed to fill. Raising my own children helped me to see that their way of parenting was not normal, as I've made so many different choices in how I treat my kids, so that's been eye opening.

It's really up to you what you want to do. If you think you can cope with not saying anything, and just maintain the status quo, that may be the best for you- it really depends on how you feel and what is more important to you. If you tell them how you feel, you do risk the same outcome I got, ie no validation of your feelings, being alienated and hurt even more and losing what relationship you do have.

Honestly in my situation, being NC is actually better than what we had before, because it was so unhealthy and I couldn't stand pretending otherwise anymore. But only you know if that would be preferable for you.

But you should probably prepare yourself for the very strong possibility that they just don't see things the way you do, and maybe never will.

Sorry it's not a more positive answer from me, but I recognise things in your description of your parents that remind me so much of mine, and this has been my experience.

Best of luck to you. It's a very hard thing to process and navigate.

Thank you for your reply.

I think my Mum would just blow up and then give me the silent treatment, my Brother tried speaking to my Dad and he said if Mum wouldn't visit then he would visit him alone (they are the same with him and never visit) Dad went once and then reverted to normal.

I think I do need to speak to someone about this as when you asked about my childhood experience it really hit home just how emotionally unavailable they both were.

Thank you

Do you just feel like giving up with her at times?

If it was a friend not reciprocating I would have acted but seems I just can't cut them off or have a heartfelt conversation with them.

Fear, obligation and guilt are very real.

Yes I'm sure my Mum would say I am ungrateful, I really do not understand what she is thinking at the minute.

She knows nothing about me really, I feel we have a very superficial relationship as I don't feel emotionally connected to either of them, couldn't talk to them about any problems.

There is no hugging or kissing, we haven't fallen out, just feel more and more distant as time goes on.

Honestly if either died I wouldn't be upset that I'd lost them it would be for the relationship we never had.

I guess I need to come to terms with it as I can't change them, I just need to find a way to deal with them as I feel so so angry with them right now.

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry you have experienced the same.

I think the way forward is twofold - firstly, you have to come to terms with the fact you can’t change them. So, given this is a longstanding issue, and your brother has already tried talking to them, there seems to be nothing you can say or do to change their level of initiating contact with you, or their behaviour when you do (being in Facebook). You need to find a way to let go of ‘the ideal scenario’ or ‘what other people have’ and accept what you have. This may take some talking through in therapy.

Secondly, after accepting the things you cannot change, you have to decide what YOU are going to do - that is, the one thing you have influence over, yourself. You can choose to keep up your current level of engagement, but (having dealt with the feelings above) won’t be bothered by their lack of engagement. Or you could match their energy, and respond to phone calls/visits as they happen. Eg if you call on the weekend, wait for them to call next time. Same with visits etc. If you Mum gives you the silent treatment, would it really be so different to now?

Personally, I would go with matching their energy, in a staged way. Start by reducing visits, and saying at the end of each one, “looking forward to seeing you at our place, let me know when you’d like to come”, so the invite is clearly extended. And then just wait. Don’t cut to zero immediately, but if you normally see them each month, move to 2 months. Make the implication that the other monthly visit is on them. And then just monitor and either keep pulling back or settle at a level that suits you.

It upsets me and I’m the same, it if it was a friend I’d have given up bothering many years ago. But it’s not a friend. My dad died a couple years ago now and she is now starting with cognitive decline I believe although she won’t admit it. So I feel I’ve no choice but to keep up contacting her to make sure she’s alright. I feel guilt about not seeing and speaking to her more all the time and she is regularly on my mind. I’m probably seeing her every 3 weeks at the moment with a phone call or two in between and as many texts as I can actually think of something to say on!

It’s funny with my sibling, they also have a go at me for not seeing her more but as me and sibling don’t really talk I don’t know if my mum actually initiates contact with them. I think she doesn’t but sibling has said in the past when I have raised things that’s just the way they are and seems to accept it. To me though it’s just really odd. When I was upset and asked her that time, her reasoning for not calling me was that I was too busy and she didn’t want to interrupt me or something so I guess it’s from a semi good place but I just can’t imagine never contacting my own children.

I understand how you feel about the superficial relationship too, ours is very much on the surface these days. We do have a little geographical distance. I did ask her to move closer once upon a time and I think if she had it might have been different. It’s much easier to just pop in for 5 mins then have to arrange a visit an hour away.

I can relate to this although mine aren't quite this bad.

If I were you I'd focus on friends and immediate family and (as Mumsnet likes to say) "drop the rope" on contacting.

Maybe make a schedule with your brother. Alternate one cheery email/phone call/card a month!

I also have a mother who for whatever her reason doesn't seem to care about me, she doesn't give a shit. I've always known it & now she's even said it. Showing her colours has freed me up so I can see clearly what I need to do. OP you deserve a life with people in it that care about you.
There's also a sibling who is taking full advantage of the situation. Completely toxic. It's so unhealthy & irrational

You do need to process those emotions. It is a kind of grieving, it's like mourning the loss of the relationship you'll never have. So it's normal to feel a lot of anger, also sadness, denial, bargaining - all those feelings were there for me, they probably are for you too.

Best advice I can give is what a good friend said to me- embrace each feeling when it comes, give yourself permission to feel it, it's normal to feel that way.

I'd also say, if at all possible down the line, try to forgive them, whether or not they apologize. If you wait on an apology, you're letting them control the situation and how you feel. If you are able to forgive, it's extremely freeing, and puts you back in control of your life and emotional state. But don't hurry yourself to that point, it takes time.

Thank you for your very wise words, this has helped me see clearly a way forward to deal with them.

@Facecream24 Yes, odd, it's just a weird situation to be in and hurtful.

Can't imagine treating my own two children like this.

Yes it is unhealthy! I have spent way too many hours trying to come to terms with why are they like this?

Its definitely not to do with you, but them. They will always say its your problem, but it really isn't, they know its them but its like a group of bullies, strength in numbers and all that, just remember its not you, they just want you to think it is

I was 11 when I discovered my mum did not care ( she told me!) I tried for 25 years and then stopped it’s hard but ultimately it is freeing she did not even notice

See for me, I’m confident that she does care. All her behaviours over the year other than never contacting me suggest she definitely does. Perhaps makes me even more of an anomaly!

Facecream

In what other ways has she shown you that she cares?. Does she respond to your messages now?. Does she still spout on about you supposedly not seeing her enough (and to look after her in her dotage)?.

I would also suggest you deal with any and all fear, obligation and guilt you have through therapy.