I’m planning to divorce my partner for his DV towards me (shoving, throwing items at me, intentionally opening doors / gates so they slam me when I unlock for him). He has also threatened suicide multiple times (I will call police if he does it again) and said to me “tell [our children] to kill [him]” in various ways. (Eg, “tell them to strangle him in his sleep” or “tell them to kill him with carbon monoxide poisoning”). Note that he only says this to me when he is upset about the kids saying they don’t like him - I don’t think the kids heard it.
He has also behaved badly towards the children, including rough interactions and rough discipline that I personally thought was abuse and I reported it - it was the final straw for me, but police told me this was “parenting differences” and social workers told me this is nowhere near child protection and that their involvement would be at the voluntary level and best just concentrate on my leaving him. They saw me as a DV victim and legal aid was approved for protection orders for me - but nothing was approved for my children. This stopped me in my tracks the first time I tried to leave. I felt fearful that his roughness with the children would escalate if I left him alone with them by doing 50/50 custody, especially if he was having horrible mood swings in the wake of me leaving him.
in the meantime, I have read books about family court. “No visible bruises” is one of the books, and it’s about family courts and parental alienation being used as a defence in Australia to keep children with abusive parents. The other book is Emma Katz “coercive control in mothers and children’s lives”. I have also read the “family court” thread on Mums Net. It sounds like family court is an old boys club and that women who dare to mention DV are more likely have their children taken away through men’s claims of “parental alienation”. As such, I feel that my best plan is to try to work out arrangements for the children with my now-husband in mediation. Am I crazy to want to avoid what sounds like the utter horror of family courts?
Even though there is evidence of my son telling police that his dad hurt him, they are not going to see it as reason enough to affect custody in the courts if social workers have said it is only voluntary basis for their involvement. My worry is that if my h hurts the children after the divorce then I will be less able to protect my children for not having mentioned the DV and his prior treatment of the children in the initial divorce. I worry that it’s doomed if I do, doomed if I don’t. I am frankly more fearful that courts will make a mess of things than anything else. I almost think there is a better chance of having things go well if we are keeping it out of court and perhaps asking children’s services for early intervention programmes.
Everyone seems to say “you must protect your kids” but the reality of family court horror show looks like something to be avoided at all costs. It looks like women who mention DV tend to lose their children and become less able to protect them due to the misogynistic old boys network. This fear has grown and grown in me. This is a huge part of what is keeping me trapped. (This and the quest to become financially independent from h).
as I write this, I also worry that perhaps I have developed a distorted view of things. I am so fearful because this is my children I am talking about. I don’t want get this wrong. At the same time, it’s part of what is keeping me frozen when I want and urgently need to move on from this marriage and to know I am doing my absolute best to help my children have the best possible life. In my books that does include a safe relationship with their dad, but it has to be safe.