Will this state of shock go away :-(

[GreyCat344]

i have gone through a traumatic breakup these last few months with my husband now estranged and myself and daughter not seen him for over a month. I found out about his affair then he was escalated and threatened suicide and got arrested for DV. I am slowly day by day starting to feel better however I still find myself in absolute shock sometimes like it stuns me all over again the fact that he booked hotel rooms to sleep with a young girl then came home to me and his family like nothing happened on several occasions. All these years we were together I just can’t believe he would do that to us it makes me feel physically sick, even though I have known a few months now I still find myself obsessing over this part with the hotels and it still really shocks me all over again. How could someone be so cold and evil to be able to do this to his wife and child with a girl young enough to be his daughter and then return home as if nothing happened. It’s like so scary and frightening I never knew this person after 16 years.

Have you an employee assistance program at work? They offer free counselling and it’s confidential.

im sorry you are suffering, do you have any support? Family and friends ?

It’s something that’s very difficult to get over. What will happen gradually, is that you will get used to it. The shock will definitely get less with time. You are suffering a type of bereavement, is there anyone in real life supporting you?

I am so very sorry you are facing this shit. 💐

Hello yes I have started counselling and have a lot of support thank you just it is the one part of this whole ordeal that has really stuck with my traumatically it’s so sleeZy I just find it difficult to comprehend

Yes thank you I have a very good support system just this hotel thing has really stuck with me it’s awful betrayal it makes me think how the hell could someone go through with that over and over

❤️

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - what a terrible shock from someone you trusted.

Things will 100% get better. Of course you are shocked and traumatised, you have suffered the most incredible betrayal. It's great that you're getting counselling - be kind to yourself, lean on your friends and take it one day at a time. Let yourself feel all of this when you need to - talk to people, journal it out etc. And at the same time focus on the lovely things in your life and make sure you are finding small moments of things you enjoy each day.

Things will get so much better. You will be happy again and learn to trust again. Sending lots of love.

Thanks so much ❤️ xx

Yes, I had young kids,had to be strong for them. Long story short,got pregnant at 18,in the 60s you got married. We hadn't lived together,he was quiet,shy, caring,used to cry, thought he was really gentle. Boy,that changed! But option was battered wives refuge, police not interested. Fast forward,20 years,lost his contracts self employed cleaning company, never told me,re mortgaged the house by forging my signature. Tried to kill me, after insuring me for £100k this was a huge amount of money,1988. My DM was dying. 6 weeks later DD had a girlfriend same age 60s. Only child,looked after him and DM. Told me he was marrying new lady,hoped I wasn't going to get divorced and cause a scandal,he didn't want HER upset!! He was gay, I was the respectable "front" for his middle class family. Ugly divorce, house re possession. DM died just after. Not sure if anyone can beat this. In the 80s you didn't tell people these things,it's not like today when you can open up to friends. I tried to tell my best friend from school, she said she couldn't believe he was like that! They just saw this quiet shy man. I was angry,that got me through . I didn't have any kind of therapy, but I made sure my ds then 12 did. There was horrible High Court appearance s,boys said they didn't ever want to see him again. You will get through it! Somehow, it's worse when "the other woman" is a man.

It will pass and I know it's hard to believe but one day you'll look at your life and be relieved that you're rid of him. My ex did something similar, though with multiple women and over about six years. For several years after I couldn't even think about it let alone talk about it because I'd have a huge panic attack that lasted hours if I did. I used to tell my family members & friends to be quiet if he ever came up.

You'll be fine, I promise. One day you'll look back and just feel faint disgust on the few occasions you think of him x

Thank you so much ❤️

Hi OP,

My goodness, you have been through so much! I really hope you have a really solid support system around you, and people who are checking in on you often. It's a horrible situation to be in, you start to believe the whole life you've built for yourself has been a lie, and the person you married was a total stranger, I've been here and I can remember this feeling so well. The trauma is very real, and affairs can actually cause PTSD within the betrayed partner.

I would definitely look into speaking to someone OP, you can self refer to talkworks. I truly wish you all the best, and as hard as it is too believe one day, it will feel ok. Time is a healer, and when you love you, you will never accept anything less than you deserve xx

It'll get better for you, OP. Don't try too hard to get over it, as you need time to adjust and cope with your feelings and the realisation that even the people we love and trust let us down enormously. You learn to accept that you can't ever
know what people are truly capable of

I have started counselling as I feel traumatised by it all 😭 thank u for your lovely words xx

Im so sorry OP, what a horrible situation to accept. I went through something very similar a few years ago and it changed my fundamental beliefs about life because it was so deeply shocking that a person who you trust absolutely, admire and respect - your best friend - could be capable of this and able to hide so much of themselves. I still don't understand why.

When I stumbled across the truth he changed very rapidly and became emotionally abusive towards me and vengeful that I'd seen through his mask. Over a few months as I left the marriage it escalated to coercive control and physical abuse as he took advantage of my utter confusion. It has taken years of authorities and court to get his influence fully out of my family's lives.

I still can't get my head round that I clearly lived a lie for so many years, and that you never know anyone. There is no solid ground any more. The feelings that go with that are a roller coaster - Shame, embarrassment, self-disgust, grief, anger, defiance, violation...more anger again as those feelings should be his and not mine to carry. That said, completely agree with @Adamante that after a few years now I mostly just think of him with vague disgust. Sadness and loss crop up, which is a normal part of grief, but grateful I found out before wasting more years.

Counselling is a great place to start working through all the confusing emotions, you must be going through a lot and I wish you well. You'll get through it and you truly are better off without him and moving in a more positive direction even if you don't feel it yet.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me I really appreciate the message sorry you had to go through this too it really is an awful thing! I still feel sick when I think about it and can’t seem to get the images out of my head xx

Honestly I don't think you can understand it if you are a decent person.

Please don't try. Just work your way to accepting that some people have different values and capabilities- they are immature and don't know how to love someone. For whatever reason. It must be difficult to not being able to explain it to your daughter, but the truth is there isn't an adequate explanation.

These are his problems, not yours.

Betrayal just really hurts, no wonder you feel sick about it. Don't dwell on those images though, as that won't help you. Keep putting your energy into counselling - how you feel, what you want and support yourself and family.

@goingdownfighting is completely right, there is no reasoning behind some people's choices and accepting that, and that you can't control outcomes, is difficult but it's the way to make peace with it.

It’s so hard I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster

I've recently been through something similar OP and my heart goes out to you. I have lost faith in all men and wonder if all of them are like this with hidden lives.

I have had EMDR to get rid of the images and the panic feelings and rumination. That has really helped and i would recommend it. I am now having regular therapy to process everything and hopefully rebuild self esteem.

It will go but it takes time. When my ex h told me about his affair I was in shock for five years. Then another two of working through and me feeling like I was getting to a better place. Since the divorce, over something else, he's turned into someone I don't know and who I'd never have guessed he would become. Do what feels best for you. Take care of yourself and your kids and stop giving him anymore time. He's not thinking about the pain he's caused you. Why think about him.