I didnt want to read and run. I'd like to share my experience with you on this topic as someone who's been there. I spent a lifetime with my partner from 16 until later in life. We had two beautiful kids together but I spent a life of this type of thing and even whilst we are separated now (after one night of arguing he went and slept with someone and got her pregnant and now living a life with her and raising a family with our kids in the mix) he's petrified of me moving on! We've a good co parent thing going on for the last 3 yrs. I've remained single all this time as I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life and family falling apart all because he slept with someone else. But on nights I have went out and he's taken the kids I'm still constantly asked questions to see if I met anyone, who I was speaking to and accusations I'm prob sleeping about, him huffing about me going out and snide remarks when collecting the kids because he's so jealous or worked up I won't be in the house alone.
He's with the other girl 3 yrs now but it's written all over his face when he's annoyed someone else might sweep me off my feet! Not that I'm looking for that because he's left me with so much baggage emotionally and trauma that I'm focused on just being me and the kids and trying to better myself so I don't become so engrossed in another man or relationship like I did with him. I lost myself.
My ex started this carry on 2 yrs into our relationship. Was always jealous of other men round me.. Always told me these men aren't speaking to you to be friendly, men have other intentions etc and they're chatting you up or flirting etc... If I spoke about men from work the response was it sounds like you get on better with him than me etc....
I eventually stopped talking about other men to him, or if I had a conversation or interaction with another male. It was something so innocent but anytime I'd mention having an interaction with another man there was a barrage of accusations, hateful comments, silent treatment or ending it with me. Any interaction I had he assumed I was flirting or that I wanted to be with that person. It was easier to say nothing at all eventually because I couldn't cope with the way things would go when I would tell him.
Over the yrs that then turned into I was lying or withholding information from him which meant I was untrustworthy, a liar and there was more to it. If I did tell him anything he would say I was trying to hurt him or make him jealous, that I get a kick out of telling him other men were chatting to me and then finish it off by telling me he must not be enough that I feel the need to be friendly with other men, I was disrespecting our relationship and our children. It made the paranoia even worse with him because I was afraid to say I'd an interaction with another male. In the end up it all came to a boiling head and he decided to leave.
Bear in mind, I've never cheated, never even had a thought of cheating, I genuinely loved and worshipped the ground he walked on. I was so invested in us, no one was any competition in my eyes. It was him I wanted to be with for the rest of my days, EVEN with all the accusations and the way I felt I'd have stayed because he was the only man I wanted. It took him 3 days after leaving to sleep with someone else while I was utterly heartbroken. To this day I still haven't been with anyone else (considering he told me how much of a flirt I was and how much i need male attention and if we broke up I'd replace him in a flash) It all happened the other way about! He went and done the very thing he was petrified I was doing and he risked our yrs of life together and our family. We were trying to fix everything when he had to tell me the other woman was pregnant and to this day I will never forget me falling to my knees in front of him and actually wailing like a banshee. The man I devoted my all to, the man I tried so hard to convince that I was only for him was the same man who do the very same to me that he thought I'd do to him!
And 3 yrs on even though I havent allowed another man into my life or sexual life he still goes on as if I'm a tramp because I'm a single woman now... He has the mind frame that if I go out I'm going out dressed to impress another man or I'm flaunting myself to find a new man. He can't help but ask if I've met or been with anyone yet you can see it in his face he's not wanting to hear the answer incase I say yes I've met someone! It's very messed up considering he's still with the other woman and I'd say that's for the simple fact he made a child with her but also a hard pill to swallow considering he made a family here first yet threw it away just because he was so scared I'd cheat!!!
I'm sorry my post is long but the moral what I'm trying to show you is that you can go to the ends of the earth to prove him his accusations are incorrect and you sound just like me of wanting him to see he's the only man you want BUT look at the consequences I paid by doing that... I give everything I had to prove to him he had nothing to worry with about me being playing away or wanting other men. When we were in public together I kept my head down in fear of a male saying hello to us so I wouldn't have to say hello back incase he took it that I was giving a "flirty" hello. I was filled with anxiety all the time. I spent 25 yrs doing this and it NEVER got better it got worse and more intense esp after the kids because I got to the point of giving up proving myself to him because I was so busy with being a mother. He felt that change in me and turned it on me saying I didn't show him enough how much I loved or needed him, because I switched from begging and pleading with him all the time so that also made him I was having an affair too because I lost my libido towards him, I put off sex because it was all so draining how he could insult me but then want mind blowing sex from me. So because I wasn't putting out as much I must be having sex with someone else whilst being a mother to two young children close in age! I was burned out from being a mum, there was no way I was having a bloody sexual affair elsewhere!
If you stay like I did, I promise you'll end up in my position. I've been told st one stage it's my fault he slept with someone else and a pregnancy occurred because if I could've avoided being so friendly to other men and looked after my actual man I wouldn't have got myself into this position... So yeah the gaslighting is unreal and its really took its toll on me! I Know what a trustworthy partner I was to him which is what kills me. I tried all I could to show him he was all I needed but in the blink of an eye he turned our lives upside down and managed to convince me I was to blame.
I'm in no rush to meet another man. I'm enjoying my life with my few girly friends and trying to navigate being a single mum on top of grieving 25 yrs of my life gone... But he doesn't see that even now with him being with some else and the fact there's no one in my life I still have that bs going on. These ppl don't change, they are stuck in that way of thinking and nothing will ever change that. I'd love to know if he's insecure about his new gf because he's done a magnificent job of convincing me I was the issue when I know full well I've never cheated or flirted with another man whilst with him all those yrs of my life. Don't end up in the same rut I did