Should I message estranged mother?

[DeepLimeBird]

I have not spoken to or seen my mother for 4 years. She is a horrible nasty woman and I have no regrets cutting contact with her. Since I stopped talking to her I found out a massive secret she and my late father had been hiding from myself and my brothers. I’ve always known my mother was a nasty piece of work but this secret just completely validates my feelings. My brothers don’t know about the secret but my adult children do.

She has now taken it upon herself to message my eldest daughter’s MIL to tell them what a horrible mother I have been to my daughter. She is always doing this sort of thing, she’s also an alcoholic and gets plastered and just talks rubbish. However I am so sick and embarrassed by her. I have kept my mouth shut for so long and I am considering messaging her and telling her I know her secret and if she doesn’t stop badmouthing me then I’ll tell everyone and show the proof. But then i feel like im stooping down to her level.

Obviously I don’t know the details, but I’d say your DB’s should have known before your kids if it’s about or affects them.

Tell your siblings. Don't allow her to have caused a divide...
I am nc with my dm also. Been 13 years..

No it’s not about my DBs,but it will affect them. However they are basically her flying monkeys and will side with her no matter what.

Just explain to daughters MIL that she is a lunatic or get DD to and ignore the batshit old woman. Blank her. She wants your attention. Withhold it. Tell your brothers as a matter of course, no drama, be nice as pie and even act surprised they do not know. Just be super cool and ignore her. You'll feel better.

Wouldn't your daughter's MIL know this was rubbish though, from knowing your daughter and presumably about your relationship? But I get your point and I probably would tell, but I'm not the wisest at times...!

No, don't message her or tell your brothers, no good will come of either. Keep moving on without them in your life. Your children will be able to put their inlaws right about you. Rise above it and do not engage.

You are of course all wiser than a tree full of owls. My dds MIL knows exactly what she’s like so know it’s all rubbish but it just makes me so angry that she is so nasty about me when she is the one who should be ashamed. But I know messaging won’t make me feel any better and could potentially bring me more hassle. I just wanted some outsiders to talk me out of messaging her!

Eek yes ok don't message, it would definitely cause huge stress. And as long as MIL knows it's bollocks, then I'd leave it. Sorry you're going through this.

Rise above it. Don’t feed it as it’s a reaction she wants.

Perhaps putting it all out in the open will shut this down.
I'm thinking she's doing a pre-emptive strike: bad-mouthing you because she's afraid you bad-mouth her so muddying the water.
Not sure how old your kids are or your relationship with your MIL but could you send an EM that includes everyone involved, something like this? Good luck.

"Mum, not sure why you are choosing to attack me right now, but it underlines why I have not been in contact with you for four years.
I wish I had a happy, loving relationship will all my family but whenever I consider trying to rebuild with you, something like this happens to remind me why I do not.
I have recently been told your little secret. I'm not sharing it outside my own home, but if you keep trying to poison my relationships, I'll have no choice but to share that story with everyone so they understand why I feel about you the way I do.
I don't want to be on this emotional rollercoaster any more. I sincerely hope you find happiness and peace - but I have to protect my happiness and peace.