DH Mum always giving him money/new clothes

[Ghostedornot]

Mil is very generous with her money and whenever DH sees her she gives him a good few hundred pounds, if he needs something new for his hobby he only has to drop a few hints and she buys it for him and picks him up bags of new clothes etc. I am, well, a bit envious! 😆

Mine gives me the odd fiver here and there, I don’t expect anything from my parents, I am self sufficient and wouldn’t expect anything from them but I guess I might be a bit envious of all the stuff!

We have separate finances so anything new I want I have to save up for it or I go without.

He’s lucky though and she’s generous with our children too. Thoughts?

We have separate finances so anything new I want I have to save up for it or I go without.
Ignoring the gifts for a minute - are your finances proportionately equal? Do you both have equal spends after all bills and child related stuff have been taken out? If yes then you are being unreasonable at his DM treating him, if not then that needs to change.

I am also very surprised he doesn't mention the cash or even use some of it towards family treats. Why do the children know but you don't??

I think in your case I would be upset as she is treating you very differently like you are not a family at all. I would expect her to get you a nice present for Christmas and birthday - equal to his.
Sorry OP.

I love my DS's gf. He's much more considerate since he's been going out with her. I make her a nice stocking each year with lots of nice gifts I know she'll like. My DS gets one too. She's coming in Sunday and it's her birthday next week so I've got her a voucher for a place she likes and getting a birthday cake for her.

Are you generous towards your husband in return?
Who decided on the separate finances and do you earn equally? Because if you have a lot less than him and he was the one who decided on separate finances then you may want consider whether you are being financially abused. But that would be on your husband not his mum.

Not really. It all depends on the MIL’s financial position. A few hundred may not be a big gift.

My parents both send me money for my birthday and Christmas, and my mum especially is generous if we're out and I see something I like, so I can't see an issue with that side of things.

But the problem here is that he has hundreds of pounds to spend on what he wants while you have to save. Would that be the case without his mum being so generous too?

Wait... so he's getting money, clothes, gift cards... but not telling you about it? You find out (sometimes) from your teens?

That secrecy is not ok. It may or may not be at his Mum's instruction that he's not telling you what she gives him.

Her giving to everyone but you is also rude and isolating and drives a wedge between you and dh.

My parents are also generous but have always given money and gifts to us both as a couple. I know that if they had any whiff of worry about dh, they would give only to me and our dc.

If he was telling you all about it and sharing the proceeds openly, then fair enough. She would be excluding you, but he would be setting it right.

My mum has a habit of doing this with me, not to the extent you describe but will randomly buy me expensive perfume or if I've mentioned something I like the look of.

I'm sure I will be like it with my sons too, is it more of a problem when it's a mother and son?

I'm like this with my two. It's been a rough old road to be financially secure and I cannot see them struggle, or not have and I want them to know they can come to me.

Wherever we go I pay for it. I treat them as much as I can. They both work and are independent. My DF was like this with me even when I had my own DC. My DM was not even when I was struggling.

I would do the same with my son if I can when he's grown up tbh.

As your partner if he has spare cash and is watching you struggle to save for stuff that's not nice.

I think it's a bit mean that your MIL forgets (or doesn't bother with) your birthday when everyone else in the family benefits from her generosity.

Who organises/buys the cards/gifts for your MIL's birthday? If it is you, stop doing it and leave it up to your DH.

Why don't you have equal finances!? Nothing wrong with his mum giving him money, what's wrong is that you don't share it.

It's a bit odd when he is an adult - my parents always treated me, my exH, my sibling and his partner the same when it came to birthdays, Xmas etc.

If they had gifted signifcant money to me I would have put it into the family pot when I was married and would have expected my exH to do the same.

My parents bought me a car for Christmas one year! Brand new, top of the range (though small). I had already bought it, so chosen it myself, but they turned up for lunch with a Christmas card with a cheque for the whole amount. They said they liked to ‘help me out’ 😍’

I was forty two and a senior manager in a large firm…..

( DH had a set of keys to that car the next day, though, which would be the différence here. You are married, what’s with separate finances?)

It's not the gifting that's the issue here, it's him not sharing that is very strange?

Day to day do you and dh have the same spare money for your own treats?

"DH is however also very generous and will treat me or give me money to treat myself/pay for a haircut or spa treatment"

His mother being generous towards your H whilst you receive nothing is indeed a problem but there is another issue you have highlighted in subsequent posts. She is indeed treating him as a child and probably also uses money here as a means of control. It makes all of them feel further obligated to her and she's buying their affections.

The facts are you have no equal finances and the above example of you being treated like this is financial abuse as well as demeaning. Do you have to ask him for this money?. What happens if you are short?. You go without I would think.

I would also think he buys clothes and has his hair cut far more often than you do.

Be tired of being the last person who matters.

I treat my adult kids but only do token things for their partners. I don't want too. Im
Nice to them and I like them but they are not my kids. They benefit massively from our money as it is and I'm fine by that but I'm not going to start treating them the same as my own children.
What my adult kids do with the money I give them is completely up to them.

Yes this.
I had similar odd things with money in my marriage although that wasn't the reason for it ending.

After we split my brother said that he had always thought it strange that me & the kids were dressed in Primark or similar while my exH wore designer clothes.

And I realised he was right, it opened my eyes to the messed up way money had been dealt with between us and which I had just thought was "normal".

I don't have a problem with parents gifting money to grown up children. It's their money, and why not give it to the people they love most in the world?

What I struggle to understand is that your DH keeps it all for himself. If it's a specific thing - say she gives him £aa amount for a specific thing that costs that amount, then fair enough. And a monetary gift for his birthday - well that's for him to spend how he wants, ideally on himself. But a random, generous gift - I'd see that as a gift to 'us' and it would go in the family finances. And I know DH would do the same (has done thte same).