Aaaagghh. My exh is such an arse. I feel so powerless.

[spook]

Hi everyone. I've sat on this for so long now but I'm so so angry today I've just got to get it off my chest.
My exh is a complete and utter twat when it comes to childcare arrangements.
He has always called the shots and I have always tried to accomodate him. He frequently changes arrangements-he says its for work and constantly plays the "I have to work to pay for your lifestyle and school fees..." blah blah.
He has ds's on Saturdays and Weds. At his request we changed his midweek night and one of the Saturdays.
I have attempted to change to every other full weekend so that I could spend some quality time with boys over weekends instead of getting them back crotchety on a Sun and having homework not done. But no-he wouldn't do that.
He is supposed to have them for a third of the school holidays-he has never done that. He takes them away for 1 week out of their 10 week summer holidays.
So-if I ever ask him to look after them for any extra he pisses and moans and will not commit usually until the last minute getting me in a complete froth.
Anyway, I am going away for 3 nights at the end of May and he has now said he will not have the ds's. No reason, just no.
I really think the only way forward is to go back to court and get this sorted once and for all but I know that is going to cost a bloody fortune. It cost me £300 last year in solicitors letters just to "suggest" every other weekend etc.
There's far more to this but don't want to bore the pants off you all. Just needed a rant really.
It really really boils my piss and causes friction between myself and dh.

sounds as though he is bieng an arse, and like the 'power' aswell.

you have to get back to court i think.

Cant you just put your foot down and say im not happy with these arrangements and tell him he has him every 2nd weekend?
Sounds like a TWAT byt the way.
For the first few weeks dont be in Saturday(perfect time to do it) so even if he comes and rattles the dsoor down hes wasting his time.
And now hes said No to you, you HAVE to put a stop to his faffing about.
Regain the power.
You have your DS, you are in control.

summer, perfect time to do it i meant, long drives out and about so he can knock at the door for hours and you wont be in.

"It really really boils my piss and causes friction between myself and dh."

Which is, of course, exactly what he wants.

He is a total tosser and a wanker and a bastard.

Is the 'one third of the school hols' thing a court agreement?

what would happen if YOU were the absent parent? He would do what the hell HE liked.

You're right Charliecat. I should have done that months ago but am scared of the confrontation. He is a bully.
Thats just it-I'm powerless-he can just do what the fuck he likes and it drives me to distraction.
Isn't every other weekend more normal access arrangements.
Well put Blu. He is all of the above. I think its a court agreement but I'm not really sure. I wasn't really of sound mind during the whole divorce settlement so can't really remember Should try and dig out the papers shouldn't I.
You're so right hertsnessex. It is one great big power trip no doubt enlarging his unfeasibly small penis.

unfeasibly

Well my x has the kids every second weekend now. (after i punched him in the mouth for insulting me i realised if we go set days down i would no longer have to talk to him)
But last weekend, after him taking his girlfreind to disneyland paris during half term...how much would that have cost??!!!...he said he couldnt have the kids as he couldnt buy them a loaf to eat.

What a cock charliecat but oh so familiar. WHY would a parent go to Disneyland and not take their children. I just could not do that.Its not so much money with mine as time and effort.
Why do these arseholes want children in the first place?

i am no help... sorry...

but i feel your frustration....
my ex has dd one night during the week (couldnt possibly have her at the weekend)
he picks her up from school, and he gives me a list of dates when he will pick her up. today was one of those days and he didnt pick her up, school phoned me to say dd was still at school half hour after it had closed..

i am truly fed up with it but also feel powerless, he picks and chooses when he has dd. and i hate it... his life goes on as normal. while mine has turned upside down..

well theres a incredibly long story to that..he asked in feb to have them for a week in summer, i said no but you can have a trial run with them in the easter hols...(hes never had them for any longer than 30 hours, he rings me up to find clothes/what food do they like, he didnt even know once if dd2 was still at nursery or had started school yet...) anyway, he said he was getting them passports to take them to DLP, i said No you arent.
And i think he had booked it already...that or because I said No, he decided to use his holiday on his GF, or completely forgot that those days ad initially been booked off to spend with the dds...anyway...
back to you. Get Tough.
You arent gonna get anywhere by being soft...and im sure your ds would much appreciate full weekends with each of you.

Yes, dig out papers, photocopy and highllight bits that say 'third of school hols' etc, say "I would like to make sure we stick to what was mutually agreed. If this is not working for you perhaps you could let me know so that we can get it changed to something that from now on, we implement and stick to"

Omigod choclatespiders. That is completely shit. What a complete twat. Your poor dd. And you.
I hope you hadn't made plans. I think you've hit the nail on the head though...his life goes on as normal while yours has turned upside down.

my friend was going to covent garden today which is 40 miles form me... i was droping her at station and she was begging me to go with her and i was so close to saying yes... can you imagine if i had been there, and not around to get dd,

I have phoned and texted him but no response... it has been 3 years now an i am so fed up of it all being on his terms....
I want him to see dd... but i also need some say in when he sees her.... so i can maybe have a bit of a life.....

You definately need to get something formalised. You simply can't live like that. And as dd gets older she won't want to see him either if all he does is let her down, and that would be sad.
God-if you trusted him you could have had a lovely day at Covent Garden. Gggrrr. Wanker.
Blu I can't find any papers referring to the boys. Just fecking financial stuff. Maybe it was an informal agreement. I think scare tactics are the only way to deal with this now and do as charliecat says and just not be here (although this weekend is so complicated I need him unfortunately!)
Next weekend then I guess...

I was advised by legal person that i can not take him to court regarding access arrrangments.... he can take me... so the only way would be to not let him see dd then he would take me to court.... but this is not something i have ever wanted to do and feel like i have always been very fair..

Mmmm. Very interesting though. That would force his hand. I have also avoided this but am now at the point where I can't stand it any longer.
I really think you should make a stand choclatespiders. Its just not fair (I am stamping my foot-can you hear!)

yes i can hear the stamping... thanks for your support... i really envy my friend who's ex has her dd every other weekend no if's and buts....

We have to be strong for our little ones

This is just crap for you - I know what you're saying about making things difficult for him, I couldn't agree more but just make sure he doesn't stick the knife in even further and it all back fires on you by him being even more difficult.

My advice would be to get things sorted legally, expensive I know but is this what he's going to be like until your ds's reach 18?! I think with what you've said about him it's worth the expense.

The time you spend with ds's must be over shadowed by his behaviour at times, you don't want that - fuck him off and get it done properly - belts and braces.

Oh you have understood perfectly OLIVIASMAMA. I think thats why I've hung back before because he could make life really really awkward. But yes-if I leave it like this then I will be bloody miserable until the boys are 18 and my dh will probably leave me!!
Tonight I've been gggrr with ds's because he has turned my bloody crank so much.

If it's any consolation spook mine is much the same.

It is all on his terms and I sent him an email last week saying if he couldn't stick to our informal arrangement (of one night in the week and every other weekend)then I would have to take steps to formalise it.

However I am doubtful even this would work. I am at my wits end and for him I have no doubt is a control issue.

I accused him yesterday of cherry picking and he just denied it.

Dont know what to do