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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Close friend in a toxic relationship, what can I do?

2 replies

ThisSnugZebra · 24/01/2025 13:57

Hi I’m a 38yr old guy with a 43yr old close friend from childhood, our families are friends and have been forever.

She has been in a relationship with a man now for over a year who treats her like garbage. Every time she does something he doesn’t agree with or like, instead of a conversation he ends things with her and then about a week later when he thinks she’s been tortured enough by being blocked and stonewalled he will expect her to apologise and take the blame and then everything is rosey again for a little while. This repeats every now and then over and over. He’s always saying horrible things, doing horrible things, hiding his phone and all the suspect stuff.
unfortunately she has become pregnant with his child..she already has 2 from a previous relationship that are young teens.
no matter what this man does to her she will not leave him, they don’t live together.
i feel awful for her every time she calls me up crying and distraught and we spend hours and hours and days together in the pub crying and talking and this has been going on for 7/8 months

my question is how can I support her without burning out myself? I’ve given her my perspective as a man but it doesn’t seem to help.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 24/01/2025 14:18

Pass this on to her and encourage her to read it. You could read it too and then talk about it with her. “I found this part really enlightening. I can’t believe men like that treat women so poorly” etc.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You can only do so much. If you feel you need a break, take it. I know you care about your friend but you can’t make her leave him. All you can do is be supportive, let her know that his behaviour is abusive and she doesn’t have to stay with him, child or not, and that you are there whenever she’s ready to end the relationship.

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

category12 · 24/01/2025 14:31

I'd withdraw a bit as listening to her for hours isn't really getting her any further forward.

Signpost her to domestic abuse resources and as suggested above, the Lundy Bancroft book. Tell you think the relationship is abusive.

Then take a step back and stop being such a convenient shoulder to cry on. I'm not saying stop being there for her, but don't engage in endless conversations about what he's done and what he thinks and why and blah blah blah. Have a mental time limit on that topic.

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