How do I stop being such a nag?!

[HeartyBlueReader]

I’m 26 years old and had a baby 9 months ago. Since then I feel like I have just become a moaning nagging misery and I feel like it’s completely aging me.
My boyfriend does help out 80% of the time but at times it is like having a son.. I feel like it is just killing our relationship because I cant find the time to be fun between being a mum and being a nagging mother to him?! Put your clothes in the washing machine. Can you do them dishes. Can you put them clothes away. Why are them clothes still not put away. Make sure the door is off the snip. Why this? Please do that. Dont forget about …. Make sure you ….. The list is endless.
I dont feel like having sex anymore because I dont feel like I can just let my hair down because am constantly moaning or stressing or needing things to be done. I moan about him not trying to arrange anytime for us to spend together (the only time he will is if his friends have invited us somewhere) but to me thats not US time?
I just feel lost and its having such an effect on my self esteem. I know being a mum is hard but I feel like having a relationship is harder because of all of this.
I dont even know what I’m asking really

Can you sit him down and tell him? Was he always like this or just since the baby?

80% of the time isn't bad if he does his share without you asking. However yours is a common theme ( lots of us have been there too!) Where we end up doing the wife work and the delegating. It's frustrating but one tip can be to make a list of chores that are down to him and stick it somewhere visible so there's no excuse for forgetting about tasks. Sad we have to train them l know!

You're only nagging because he seems to be adding to your pile, by not pulling his weight.

My ex once exploded at me because I did "his" chore. I asked him to do it. He didn't do it in an hour, so I just got up and did it myself because it needed doing before dinner got cooked 😂 note the ex!

It's not "helping out" it's doing his share. I think the problem is, it's so easy to just do a bigger share of the chores, because one person can easily do 2 adults worth of chores in one household. It's not much more than chores in a 1 adult household. Add a baby in and you get double the chores, it's difficult to clean as you go and shit hits the fan. So you're already drowning trying to keep on top of baby stuff and then you get pants flung on the floor by someone who is fully capable of putting them in a basket and plates left by the sink instead of being washed up and it just weighs down even more.

I guess some people understand baby=work but then they drop the chores they used to do to do baby stuff so they're still doing the same amount but it feels different. Or maybe slightly more, but still not actually the extra they need to.

I used to consider doing baby free chores a bit of a break tbh. I'm very happy being a single parent and only having to clean up mine and the kids mess 😂 (absolutely not saying LTB, just giving perspective)

I feel your pain - it's like they don't even NOTICE stuff that needs done. You're tired with a new baby, you're not yourself. Can you say to him, please help me out, he needs to ask what needs doing then do it ASAP. Then leave anything else for later. As long as you are all washed, fed and happy as a little family, a bit of mess isn't important in the grand scheme of things. Take care of yourself x

It's not nagging. That's such a misogynistic term. It's called expecting your partner to behave like an adult and do shit without the need to be asked or reminded.

This is not a you problem.

We are also in our 20’s and also have a 9 month old baby, I think part of it for me was working out if things actually urgently needed to be done or if I just wanted things done right there and then and was a bit overstimulated from being on my own all day with the baby. It depends on if he’s not doing it, or if he’s just not doing it exactly when you want it done really whether you’re right to nag. Like the dishes for example, my husband does the dishes but he doesn’t do them immediately, he does them once I’ve taken baby to bed so that after work/dinner he can spend time with me & baby, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things as long as they get done so I don’t nag or need to, but if he wasn’t doing them at all I would be reminding him.

Same with clothes, our washing seems endless between the baby, us, dog walks meaning muddy/wet clothes in this weather, there’s a pile of washing to be put away every day and I could wind myself up about it all day and night, but actually he will put it away again usually once me and baby have gone up for bedtime, so rather than nag and nag for it to be done right now- I don’t, it gets done. But if they were still sat there 3 days later I would.

The lists of jobs is a good idea, and so is just not becoming the house manager. I know that is hard when you’re on maternity and at home all day with baby as I am but actually this is both of our house, I don’t need to be the one who keeps him on a schedule I’ve made up myself if that only causes arguments.

Your thread title should be 'Boyfriend Chooses to be an Entitled Misogynist'

I don't think there's a way to get males like this to function as adults, they feel entitled to slob around because they know some woman will be there to raise their kid and make the house function. Whether it's their mummy, current and future girlfriends.

The only reason to have a boyfriend is for him to massively, massively enhance your life, make it fun, and bring peace. That's the whole point.
If he fails at something so basic, there's no point to him.

He may not think it needs doing, rather than think you should do it. How would he live if he lived alone? A shitheap? Many people happily and successfully live in shitheaps. From his perspective are you being unnecessarily fussy? ( i suspect your standards are probably perfectly normal but he may not see it that way).

A messier person and a tidier person together takes some negotiation and compromise. In our house DH is the clean freak and I am the slob, and it took a bit of recognition and acceptance to come to a happy medium. In particular he had to learn that his army standards were not necessarily the only right way of living and my more relaxed approach was not morally wrong, and I had to recognise that order in the household made him feel secure and happy.

You’re not a ‘nag’. (I fucking hate that word, it’s used to silence women). Your partner is a lazy, useless man-baby.

He’s the problem. Not you.

why don’t you tell him you can’t cope and divide the work, or he does laundry, bins but let him do it to his standard and time scale. Alternatively stop sweating the small stuff, so what if his clothes aren’t put away