Am I a Narcissist

[Cccrrrttt]

I feel like I'm a narcissist. My narcissistic ex discarded me a few times but for the final time when I fell pregnant (our baby is now 9 months old).

He was with my 'friend' behind my back, whilst trying it with his ex literally messaging her whilst I was recovering from a c section in hospital confessing his love, so I outed him to both women and told them everything. I did it out of anger and spite.

I don't want him back, but I want him to want me and chase me and I feel jealous of any woman he may or may not be seeing. I'm constantly checking his instagram although its private to see if he has any new followers as they come up on suggestions. Any girls I can see that he follows, I watch their instagrams to see if theres any evidence of them hanging out and I compare myself to them.

He lives an hour away and I drop our son off, and he drops him home. Whenever he offers to pick him up in the morning I get suspicious because I think maybe he is staying the night with someone in the area, why else would he want to get up so early to come and get him? (I always think he is back with my 'friend' - she lives near me). I make an excuse as to why I can't pick him up later in the evening so that he can't pick him up in the morning. Basically being difficult to sabotage his plans. I always try to figure out what hes doing or who he is with. I watch our mutual friends instagrams to see if hes with them or her.

The thing is though, I do not want him. I just don't want anyone else to have him and I think its the fear that maybe he was abusive to me because it was ME, and he might treat someone else better.

Although me, his ex, and my friend all had the same abuse from him just in different ways, and he cheated on us all.

I also am scared he will move on and be happy, and I will have to watch it. Its so unfair that he gets to do what he does, then move on like nothing and be happy whilst I lost most of my friends (he turned them against me), I almost lost my job, I lost all confidence and self esteem and I cannot bring myself to date. I am so emotionally detached from others and cant bare the thought of being around men, but I dont want to be this way.

I can get quite bitter, and I am jealous and also I cant stop ruminating. Like surely this is like a narc obsession? I feel like the narc, like I want him to hoover me.

Also, I'm not good with boundaries so whenever he starts to threaten me and I put up a boundary, he makes me feel like I am blackmailing him. Sometimes I have lashed out and said some nasty things, just like he would.

Surely if I wasn't a narcissist I would just move on and not be so stuck in the past and trying to control someone and being jealous over someone who I'm no longer with?

When his abuse escalated I was very open and vocal about it to our mutual friends. I felt like they needed to know who he really was. So is that a smear campaign?

None of how I am feeling makes sense!

True narcissists don’t analyse themselves or worry too much about being narcissistic. Also, they really enjoy creating conflict and chaos. They don’t worry about the harm their actions cause others, unless it’s theatre to manipulate people.

However, it does sound like you are still bonded with your ex and his narcissistic patterns and all the emotions that go with that feel familiar to you. I would get therapy for learning to truly detach emotionally and put firm boundaries up. In a sense the boundaries are for you rather than him, because you need the space and time to heal.

People with NPD are incapable of considering they might be at fault, so no, you are not. Most people have some narcissistic traits though. They are not the same thing.

It sounds more to me like fairly standard bitterness and anger that the relationship is over and didn't work for whatever reason. Learning to let that go and move on with your own life will help you.

You’ve asked the question - so no you are not. A narcissist doesn’t consider if they are narcissistic, they just enjoy feeling powerful because they think they are special.
His behaviour has created jealousy in you. It sounds more like a trauma response and trying to regain some power over your life that he took from you with his cheating and lying.
It sounds like you could do with some therapy for that. You should just feel pity for any woman he ends up with, it sounds like he isn’t capable of a normal relationship, so he probably will never be happy. You could be happy though if you could learn to not care what your loser ex is up to.

No, you are not a narcissist. You sound trauma bonded though. I would.seek therapy.

Everyone has narcissistic traits. In small doses, it’s healthy to have some. Social media can bring out the brooding, obsessive, addictive part in all of us, too. I would block him on all social media, to save yourself the added heartache and to stop your brain going in pointless circles.

Write yourself a letter from you in 5 years’ time, where you are in a position and have left this behind you. Tell yourself which areas of your life you have made progress in and what that feels like. Doesn’t need to be a long letter - can just be a few bullet points. Has the you in 5 years’ time been there for other women like you, who needed help and friendship and support but couldn’t find it? How has it felt watching your child grow and forming bonds with him / her? Things like this will help your mind get loose from the weeds your ex is stuck in.

Also - telling people what he was up to was, I think, a healthy (non toxic) thing to do. You can tell yourself you did it from anger and spite but you were the one who was in the right and you deserve not to live under the shadow of his dark secrets, so does your child. I think you did it because - and you may not know / realise it - you are the stronger, better person.

The thing is though, I do not want him. I just don't want anyone else to have him and I think its the fear that maybe he was abusive to me because it was ME, and he might treat someone else better.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday where Katherine Ryan made a great analogy to this.
She said “imagine you are sat at a slot machine putting money in and pulling the handle because every one in a while you get a little reward, and you are worried that if you get up and leave the slot machine, someone else will sit there and receive the jackpot. You are worried that maybe he is this great guy and you’re the problem and as soon as you leave all this goodness of him will come flowing out for someone else. But the house always wins, there is never going to be a jackpot”.

I really felt that.

First post nails it. I think any affected by a narcissist ex partner does feel like they’re the narc. It’s natural. It’s part of the trauma response you’re conditioned to. Completely understand and I was the same - it was the first thing I asked my therapist when I got counselling. And I was a person who poohpoohed therapy as something that was an Americanism and not a British, keep a stiff upper lip thing.

Get yourself to a private therapist if you can and if not self refer and just wait - try and read up on CBT. It will really help you.

Trauma bonds exist and they cause abnormal responses - don’t feel guilty for that. You’ll feel better when you start with some CBT exercises as they change how your brain processes feelings.

I agree I think you’re trauma bonded. Narcissists don’t wonder if they’re narcissistic.
I recommend looking at some of the information that Caroline Strawson shares, you might find it helpful. Here’s a link to one of her Facebook posts on Trauma bonding