Partner 57 retired PC. Worked as a f time courier after retiring; now works 2 days a week. That switch was made when we decided to move in together. I knew once we did this there would be an adjustment period on both sides and things would crop up as they do in relationships once living together but I'm struggling. He is super defensive of any form of perceived criticism. If he forgets to do something (which is frequent) there's always a convoluted reason instead of a simple sorry. Looking back there was always a pattern of me organising days out etc which I enjoy doing but that has crossed over into sorting things in the house. Simple example. Tap dripping. Mentioned and he said he'd look at it. Still dripping weeks later - he'd forgotten. I thought maybe a whiteboard in the kitchen to add jobs on/shopping, would help both of us. Nope he thought that was stupid. Tap still dripping BTW.
He started going to Andys Man's Club recently which is great and I hope hes getting some support there but when I mentioned seeing someone together to work on communication it was dismissed. He doesn't like me going to my counselling session either (every 6 weeks it's just my space to talk and work on me a bit,). Says I'm different when I come back.
He lost his best friend of 34 years to cancer last year, the same year he found out the man on his birth certificate wasn't his dad (DNA) and his mum has passed so he can't get any answers there. Despite saying if he needs to talk etc, I get 'I'm fine I've dealt with grief in the police'. He's constantly exhausted, distracted, forgetful, blame shifting, defensive and low which would point to stress but his standpoint is no. I'm fine. Its like as long as I don't bring anything emotional or uncomfortable up its all good. Everything needs to appear just right.
By his own admission his mum was very difficult controlling and distant and there used to be lots of rows with her husband (they married when he was 5) so I know he hates conflict, but his constant shutting me down and blame is starting to wear thin. I have worked really hard to support him but I feel like I'm losing me slowly. Anything I suggest is met with a no so I'm really stuck and it's difficult seeing someone I love almost self sabotaging. Any thoughts on a different approach?