Coping with the smear campaign in domestic abuse situation.

[Helpforheros42]

So there's 2 cousins bpd ex has always used to traingulate me with. At an early stage he told these people lies about me to make them believe I was crazy. Possessive. He for example had a ton of my money and never returned it. Never bought me a thing. But he told this cousin I stole money from his kitchen side and chased him. This never happened.

During our time together I had to contact these cousins when he was unstable so his family knew but also in the hope of getting some humane support.i also contacted 2 women who he was sleeping with behind my back and my Instincts were correct. He then got involved with my no longer friend who was in it with him to hurt me. He has always called her desperate to me since and said she was chasing him for attention. Then last night I went to the police because I am getting abusive texts of his cousin and abusive phone calls from him. During in one phone call he said both his cousins think I'm a piece of s**t and that all of its my fault and I deserve all the names I've been called and its mutually agreed all the women/cousins etc were victims of my harrasment.

So he gets to play games and cheat and spread lies. But I'm coming out of this as the crazy insane stalker. But he's had thousands of pounds from me. He's had so much help and support and I've done nothing but try help him for 4 years. He's currently on drugs. Loosing his flat. Spending time with other addicts. Not working. No money. His bank accounts were closed down due to suspicious activity from what I can tell.

I know it shouldn't matter. But he abused me for a long time and I've held down a job and kept going even though it's been hard.

All are now blocked and the police have referred me to a domestic abuse support thing. But I can't get past the people thinking I'm nuts. But also how could he allow such evil nasty things to be said about me when I've done so much to help him out.

Maybe he sort of believes it himself. We all like to be the hero of our own life narrative, so he tells himself a story as much as he tells it to other people.

And addicts lie. It's part of the modus operandi.

Basically, he's the Main Character and needs a villain. If you're no longer supporting him, you must be against him.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what these people think. They'll learn their own lessons about who he is, (or it's convenient to have a scapegoat for them.)

Just concentrate on getting further distanced from it all, and maybe therapy/counselling for yourself to understand why you stuck it out and how to avoid similar issues with relationships in future?

Yeah I'm doing as much as I can to ignore it. I've been left alone for a few days so I thought I was finally free to move forward. But he contacted me yesterday to try get empathy originally. Then he turned and started saying the above. So he was happy to engage in phone calls with his cousins to mutualy agree I'm a terrible person but he then still can't resist seeing if I'll be supportive towards him.

I will see what support comes along from the domestic abuse referral. I could sort some therapy again. I just got caught up I'm hid chaos and got distressed. But in November I started the process to disconnect and get out the situation. It's just been hard to get left alone. I've had suicide threats and pleas for help etc

It's really good that you've blocked them all, that's a great step. As is going to the police and a referral to a domestic abuse charity.

Does it matter what these people think of you? You're still very embroiled in the situation, very much effected by what your ex has done which is hardly surprising.

Why has he treated you like this? Because he could. He's obviously an abusive individual and your relationship sounds highly dysfunctional.

I think it's time to focus on yourself and leave these people in the past where they belong. I would ask the DV organisation about therapy and look into the Freedom Programme.

Yeah it's been a natural process with my brain if I'm honest. He had all the power and control until a year ago. His silent treatments worked. His lies made me pause and shut down. Silly things like he'd quite obviously taken money out my cupboard/bag etc. But he'd say I'd misplaced it. He actually stole my bank card once. Drew out £30 and never put my card back to stage that I'd left it somewhere. But he'd drawn the money out at the cash point near his flat and using my pin number.
He's also done a variety of things like cheating, lying about money, friendships etc. He taught me that there was so room for my problems or needs as he was always in a crises.
But a year ago my brain started to catch up. I started to care less. Try less. Stopped chasing. Started doing my own thing. Ive lost all trust love and respect. I go to work whilst he takes drugs and sleeps throughout the day. I come home and he's whining he's tired etc. He'd come visit and from the minute he got to my house he would whinge and whine and my head was thinking I wish he'd go away.
I just took quite a while to figure it all out.

The turning on you the instant he didn't get whatever it was he wanted from you shows his character. He couldn't be bothered to hang on to the woe is me persona for long, just went on the attack.

Don't get caught up with his threats, it's just another way to try to get you engaged. If you're genuinely worried he is about to harm himself, then call the emergency services. But otherwise stay out of it.

Try and cut off all ways he can contact you. Might be worth considering changing your number and using a new email, etc.

Please say that you no longer allow him in your home and have changed the locks?

Yeah the policeman yesterday spoke about the suicide threats. He told me he wanted to be honest with me. He said there's people out there who don't want to change. They won't change they are happy where they are. He said 999 if he says he's going to harm himself. But he said close the door on him now. He said its not your fault or responsibility and you won't get the blame. So I feel better. He once said he'd write a letter blaming me for it.

He doesn't have a key and he doesn't come here no. I've been disconnecting from him for a while now. It's the contact unfortunately and bullying from family.

The support from Women's Aid really helped me make sense of it all. It also stopped me caring what others thought as you do realise it is all on them.

If anyone asks, I just say I had help from WA after my marriage ended. Everyone knows what WA does, it speaks volumes to the ex's lies. Once people know that you are being supported by a domestic abuse organisation, they usually understand the implications of that.

The policeman mentioned Clares law to me. But it's blurry if he said he's adding him to it or asked me to look into it. I'm sorry you went through similar. It's a lonely place to be

There are a lot of women who have been through what you are going through. You are not alone. We are here for you. 💐