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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me get perspective

14 replies

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 23/01/2025 22:58

Name changed and some details vague for obvious reasons.

Please don’t read if you will be triggered by reading about an affair from the affair partners perspective

I divorced my husband 5 years ago when my children were small. He kept staying out all night and secretive with his phone and laptop. He would regularly comment on what I ate and make subtle constant comments about my appearance and all. It just eventually wore me down and I realised we just werent right for each other. I dont think either of us were happy. We’re in a better place around each other now

Anyway, I had a breakdown following that. This resulted in a diagnosis of OCD which is something I’d always had but didn’t know. Through this time the only thing that got me through was this friendship I had with a man I had known for 3 years. Shared all my insecurities with him and he was like a rock to me. Totally platonic but in hindsight I fancied him. He had a partner & young kids so even though I was a bit aware I was quite obsessed with him I didn’t think I’d ever go there.

Until one night he invited me round his house and after we drank all night he kissed me. What followed was almost two years of a full blown affair. Obviously with him telling me I was the love of his life and he was leaving but just not quite yet. I mean I think most of you who have got this far will already know the script and that he didnt leave.

He did confess to his partner several times I think. She kept forgiving him and taking him back and then he would come to me and beg me for another chance without her knowing or me knowing the other side of the story. It has only come to light that he kept confessing to her and asking her for another chance too. I only know this because she phoned me and told me it’s her he wants and I need to go away. Which I am obviously now doing.

I know I went into this with my eyes open and she is the real victim here but I am really struggling. I am struggling with coming to terms with all the lies and I’m struggling to come to terms with I’ve lost my best friend cos thats what he meant to me even if I didnt mean that to him. Im struggling to come to terms with the fact that hes still in a relationship after everything hes said and done. I just dont get why either of them want it cos hes lied so much and did some really unforgivable things in my eyes. And I know I played a part but I honestly to god thought there relationship must be done.

im writing this so people can give me some harsh truths cos for some reason im really hung up on him and need to get over it.

OP posts:
LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 24/01/2025 01:11

When I was younger I had a relationship with a married man that sounds similar; he confessed all to his wife several times and she forgave him and then he would beg me for another chance. He was a real piece of work and there was also an age gap and a power imbalance. Bad dude. The wife and I ended up talking right at the end and she really did seem prepared to forgive him everything despite the fact it was all ragingly awful and had gone on for a couple of years. Thankfully they had no kids, but they have stayed together.

My advice is to absolutely divorce yourself (ha! See what I did there?) from what he and she are doing. Block everywhere and be strict with yourself about this: it's better to know nothing. This was true for me for many, many years. Only now with a remove of more than a decade and a half and a whole new life can I even tolerate knowing the tiny amount I do. For a very long token it was too painful. You also have to be strict with yourself about having even an opinion about what they're doing... not your business. You do you, let them do them. If you've got a trusted friend you can get to help with this, all the better. The first year or so my fabulous tough-love pal was on this for me; checking I wasn't looking them up on Facebook or stalking his work's website to see if he was still in the same job etc. I needed that.

My second piece of advice ties into the first: get some therapy. You'll need a good therapist and regular sessions to stick to my first piece of advice anyway. They'll keep you accountable and help you work through your feelings as well as why you let this happen. I also felt like this guy was my best friend (and in lots of ways he was) and he left a gaping hole in my life, so therapy was invaluable. Funny, I also have OCD that, looking back, I've had all my life. Having that identified and treated came about because of my treatment via therapy after the affair. I was also diagnosed with ASD and ADHD (what we are now calling AuDHD, I believe) as a result of this therapy and, quite frankly, it explained a few things, including why I got into the affair in the first place. Such revelations may come to you in time, too.

Third piece of advice: keep busy. The devil makes work for idle hands, whether that be being tempting to contact/stalk your ex or his wife, or just obsess over them. So get some new hobbies, learn a new skill, do a qualification, join bloody line dancing... literally get involved in whatever is available to keep you busy and out of trouble. This also has the consequence of helping you meet new people and that's always good; new friends who don't have anything to do with that old life are a good thing. That said, don't rush into dating again too quickly. Getting caught on the rebound from something this big and ugly could be really unwise, so give yourself some time and space when it comes to a new relationship. Talk to your therapist about this.

Finally, be kind to yourself @TheMathofLoveTriangles. It's not the worst thing anyone's ever done. You aren't the first and you won't be the last. And fundamentally you deserve more in life than a cheating sack of shit can give you. You've genuinely dodged a bullet; however lovely you thought he was and whatever good qualities he had, he wasn't a decent person because a decent person wouldn't cheat on their spouse (and, even worse, keep going back to doing if after confessing and getting their wife'a forgiveness). You'll miss him, maybe for a long time to come, and that's allowed, but never forget the fact that he's not a good person and that you deserve to be loved completely, out in the open, and by somebody for whom you and you alone are enough.

Good luck, lovely. It's a hard road and a long one, but you can do this, you have the strength to do this. I promise.

Uslot · 24/01/2025 03:21

Your friendship, affair, relationship whatever you'd see it as today, wasn't founded in honesty, mutual trust and loyalty, the basic bricks that build a successful bond between two. You guys built your bond on a gradual deception. It's what mutual attraction, emotional investment and sexual tension gradually leads to. I also can't buy that you can fancy someone you've been privately spilling your guts to, in "hindsight". We mostly know who we'd like to be with as adults. I do believe most people choose to pull restraint when confronted with a serious moral dilemma. Divulging your secrets to a partnered up male friend would only deepen it. I won't insult your intelligence by assuming you didn't know that.

However, sharing private info opens up your vulnerabilities too. So there's a lesson to be learnt here about the value of trust and I know, painful isn't it? Harsh truth is he was and is a user. Best friends don't shag in secret. Take sex off the menu and ask yourself how special your friendship would have been. Get real and understand that's all there ever was to it. His partner made her choice years before you got involved which is why she warned you off. Liar or not that's the father of her kids and definitely not your "best friend".

I'm sorry you've been hurt by this but its part of the affair package. His poor wife is unaware that if she really wanted to mess you up she'd let you have him.

You'll feel better when you stop examining the crime scene

UpTheJuncti0n · 24/01/2025 03:44

I just dont get why either of them want it cos hes lied so much and did some really unforgivable things in my eyes.

He did this to both you and her, but I imagine you'd still have him as well. Considering you both took him back several times after leaving and then begging. She's a bit more stuck as they have kids and have built a life together. Kids, finances, home.

Imagine how special you have both made him feel, that would make me feel the anger. That he lapped the attention up and orchestrated it to feed his own empty pit. You loved someone who didn't really exist. A lot of women on this site have to come to terms with that unfortunately. I wish it was easier to do.

UpTheJuncti0n · 24/01/2025 03:53

Also, I'm very sorry, but you just have to grieve this relationship. Youve lost someone youve loved, in this case because he was never that person to begin with. You can't undo what's been done. There's no time machine so that you can save yourself. It's going to be a sad time for a while, I'm sorry. Anger can help though! Be patient with yourself.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 24/01/2025 06:15

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 24/01/2025 01:11

When I was younger I had a relationship with a married man that sounds similar; he confessed all to his wife several times and she forgave him and then he would beg me for another chance. He was a real piece of work and there was also an age gap and a power imbalance. Bad dude. The wife and I ended up talking right at the end and she really did seem prepared to forgive him everything despite the fact it was all ragingly awful and had gone on for a couple of years. Thankfully they had no kids, but they have stayed together.

My advice is to absolutely divorce yourself (ha! See what I did there?) from what he and she are doing. Block everywhere and be strict with yourself about this: it's better to know nothing. This was true for me for many, many years. Only now with a remove of more than a decade and a half and a whole new life can I even tolerate knowing the tiny amount I do. For a very long token it was too painful. You also have to be strict with yourself about having even an opinion about what they're doing... not your business. You do you, let them do them. If you've got a trusted friend you can get to help with this, all the better. The first year or so my fabulous tough-love pal was on this for me; checking I wasn't looking them up on Facebook or stalking his work's website to see if he was still in the same job etc. I needed that.

My second piece of advice ties into the first: get some therapy. You'll need a good therapist and regular sessions to stick to my first piece of advice anyway. They'll keep you accountable and help you work through your feelings as well as why you let this happen. I also felt like this guy was my best friend (and in lots of ways he was) and he left a gaping hole in my life, so therapy was invaluable. Funny, I also have OCD that, looking back, I've had all my life. Having that identified and treated came about because of my treatment via therapy after the affair. I was also diagnosed with ASD and ADHD (what we are now calling AuDHD, I believe) as a result of this therapy and, quite frankly, it explained a few things, including why I got into the affair in the first place. Such revelations may come to you in time, too.

Third piece of advice: keep busy. The devil makes work for idle hands, whether that be being tempting to contact/stalk your ex or his wife, or just obsess over them. So get some new hobbies, learn a new skill, do a qualification, join bloody line dancing... literally get involved in whatever is available to keep you busy and out of trouble. This also has the consequence of helping you meet new people and that's always good; new friends who don't have anything to do with that old life are a good thing. That said, don't rush into dating again too quickly. Getting caught on the rebound from something this big and ugly could be really unwise, so give yourself some time and space when it comes to a new relationship. Talk to your therapist about this.

Finally, be kind to yourself @TheMathofLoveTriangles. It's not the worst thing anyone's ever done. You aren't the first and you won't be the last. And fundamentally you deserve more in life than a cheating sack of shit can give you. You've genuinely dodged a bullet; however lovely you thought he was and whatever good qualities he had, he wasn't a decent person because a decent person wouldn't cheat on their spouse (and, even worse, keep going back to doing if after confessing and getting their wife'a forgiveness). You'll miss him, maybe for a long time to come, and that's allowed, but never forget the fact that he's not a good person and that you deserve to be loved completely, out in the open, and by somebody for whom you and you alone are enough.

Good luck, lovely. It's a hard road and a long one, but you can do this, you have the strength to do this. I promise.

My, I was expecting to be torn apart but this has genuinely moved me. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Everything you’ve said is right and helpful. I’ll probably just keep reading the responses I’ve had on here whenever I’m going through those weaker times and tempted to stalk/reach out.

Part of the OCD centres around things that make therapy difficult but I will try to take steps towards that too. I just want to press fast forward on my feelings and not feel them anymore.

OP posts:
Elasticatedtrousers · 24/01/2025 06:15

Affairs are abusive. He has abused his wife. He has removed her right to informed sexual consent, removed her personal agency, put her mental health at severe risk and put her repeatedly through the pain of false reconciliation.

Start to frame him for who he is. An abusive man.

As for your relationship cheats can't offer affair partners much, their time, resources and presence is bound elsewhere so they know that the only way they can keep affair partners hooked is with declarations of love and conversations about being star crossed lovers. These declarations also help them feel good about themselves because if they're doing it for love they're still 'good' people at heart. It's cognitive dissonance. It's ultimately meaningless. The only one cheats care about while cheating is themselves.

This man is a horrible person. He has watched the person he was supposed to protect absolutely destroyed and carried on. She has young children, a mother at home in pain, traumatised, confused and frightened.

And you are partly responsible for that.

Block and delete him on all platforms. Stop calling him your 'best friend' and work on understanding that love is action based and nothing this man has done has shown you he loves you.

Elasticatedtrousers · 24/01/2025 06:17

I should have added I do wish you luck for a better future, but this man is not it.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 24/01/2025 06:31

I felt like he was a best friend before all this but I don’t feel like that now. It’s another thing that I am grieving.

I think I am hard on myself generally and very critical. When it was happening i justified it by telling myself there relationship was over and probably believing what he told me because it was nice to hear. I justified it by not knowing her or thinking about her much or almost pretending she didn’t exist. All things that I feel sick about now that I know there relationship was not over at all.

Thanks for all the responses. Things I need to hear. The one thing I’m still not very good at is being critical of him because I still think of him as this tortured good person. I’ve been hurt but I blame myself for it rather than him. But as someone said it’s time to stop examining the crime scene and maybe slowly try to forgive myself too

OP posts:
Elasticatedtrousers · 24/01/2025 06:39

'The one thing I’m still not very good at is being critical of him because I still think of him as this tortured good person.'

This is utterly typical. They play the tortured soul wrestling with their 'love' for the affair partner and duty for the family. This is why when the first signs appear many betrayed women see a husband with mental health issues rather than a man having an affair.

It's utter nonsense.

The tortured bit (imho) is actually more an addiction to the highs of the affairs, dopamine hits etc.

I really think framing him for who he actually is and not who you wanted to believe he is is vital to moving on!

Thewookiemustgo · 24/01/2025 07:46

@Elasticatedtrousers “This is utterly typical. They play the tortured soul wrestling with their 'love' for the affair partner and duty for the family. This is why when the first signs appear many betrayed women see a husband with mental health issues rather than a man having an affair.” Spot on.

OP @Elasticatedtrousers said in her previous post that cheats spout nonsense about love and fate and being torn and tortured because they want to maintain a façade of being a good person whilst doing something incredibly bad. Plus it keeps you hooked, you hear words that delight you and you believe it because it makes you feel better than you’ve ever felt and the shock that follows the inevitable desertion leaves you totally confused. You try to make it all make sense because you’re unwilling to believe he was a liar, despite being the only woman in the triangle who has absolute proof that he is.
Moving on will be painful, nobody likes to think they were used and gullible, but most affair partners are, and so many remain in denial about their former affair partner because it stops it hurting so much. They tell themselves things like “He loves me more than anything else in the world but he’s got children and is very noble and honourable so he has to stay with his wife whom he definitely doesn’t love, oh, the tragedy for the poor man….” because that’s easier to swallow than “He was never going to leave her, was really using me as a fantasy escape from daily routine or for sex and an ego boost, but I fell in love and chose to believe him because that’s what I wanted to hear.”
All you can do is learn from this and act as though he died. Grieve what you had, know that it was never really yours in the first place, and stay away from his and his wife’s social media.
He’s dead to you from now on, work hard on improving your OCD (I suffered from this and still have tendencies but it can be improved greatly) which in turn will stop the ruminating over him.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 24/01/2025 11:27

I have been vague and maybe I haven’t represented him correctly. I think we had a good connection that at first was pure friendship with no other motive. I think what I’m finding hardest is losing that connection but I know I am losing that because of my own actions as well as his. We can’t be friends any more for a lot of reasons but especially for his wife’s sake.

I think what was said about him using me as a distraction and ego boost is true and it’s something I said to him too. It’s probably not the whole story. I think at least part of why he didn’t leave is because it is easier to stay than it is to leave and if his wife is still wanting to be with him then it’s even easier.

maybe it’s too hard just now to think I meant less than nothing. I think he’s treated both of us badly but her more because he owed her something and owed me nothing. I think he probably cares mostly about himself. His actions have all been self interested.

do appreciate the comments and giving myself a shake but I am also trying to stop beating myself up because the feeling of worthlessness is very overwhelming just now

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 24/01/2025 18:23

@TheMathofLoveTriangles his rejection is not a value statement about you.
It’s about him, all this is about him. It always was. Your job was to make him feel good about himself, but make it easy for him. The second difficulties arose he chose the path that suited him, not you. Not because you are worthless, but because he values himself more than anybody else.
Hold your head high now you are doing the right thing and not fooling yourself nor helping him to abuse his wife any more.
Walk away knowing that he hasn’t devalued you, he’s greatly devalued himself. But whatever you do, keep walking.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 25/01/2025 20:11

Thewookiemustgo · 24/01/2025 18:23

@TheMathofLoveTriangles his rejection is not a value statement about you.
It’s about him, all this is about him. It always was. Your job was to make him feel good about himself, but make it easy for him. The second difficulties arose he chose the path that suited him, not you. Not because you are worthless, but because he values himself more than anybody else.
Hold your head high now you are doing the right thing and not fooling yourself nor helping him to abuse his wife any more.
Walk away knowing that he hasn’t devalued you, he’s greatly devalued himself. But whatever you do, keep walking.

Thanks for this. Have taken a screenshot for moments of weakness.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 25/01/2025 20:52

You’re welcome. With OCD it’s probably not ‘weakness’, it’s your obsessive tendencies in the driving seat.
I used to say to myself “It’s not me, it’s my OCD” and try my hardest to accept the obsession and let it fade rather than try to fight it (you can’t) and blame myself.
I couldn’t help having OCD but I could help my attitude to it and what I did about the intrusive thinking.
Float to survive, don’t engage or fight, you can’t stop thoughts and they lose their power if you detach yourself from the thoughts and label it as what it is, it’s OCD, not what is true or what you really want for yourself. It’s just ‘thoughts’.
It’s very hard work, absolutely, but it works with persistence, don’t beat yourself up if it gets the better of you occasionally. It’s ok to think anything you like. It’s what you do next that matters. I can think about murdering somebody but obviously not act on it. When it gets tough let the thoughts happen, but then do what you know is right and healthy for you. Good luck!

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