I will try keep this short but really needing some advice.
I ended LTR of 9 years 3 months ago. I did not want to leave but I had anxiety and felt in fight or flight mode every single day of my life. I was worried I was making a mistake by staying and not giving myself a chance to meet the right person (I'm mid thirties). We had issues with communication and not feeling appreciated, I felt he was very critical and didn't feel like a team. Our living situation was a constant source of stress for me for various reasons also. I felt like I was constantly seeking approval from him.
I moved out 2 months ago. I feel a lot calmer in my own place and anxiety has lessened but now feeling anxious about this decision. I miss him so much and I feel that everything I thought was unfixable could be worked on. He wants me to give him another chance and will do anything, says I am his best friend. Just wants me to be happy, will try to compromise more. I am starting to remember why we were together whereas for a while I just resented him and couldn't see any positives.
I'm so angry with myself that I feel this way as it took me so much courage to move out, and now I sit here alone every night desperate to see him/ speak to him/ go home. I feel like I'm just crazy and I'll never be happy. I'm worried that if I go back the anxiety about the relationship will return and that I'm just scared of being alone.
I guess no one can advise me on that side but can anyone help me with how to actually understand what I want/ why I feel this way?