I can't say no to him coming here

[Maisiemum2013]

I split with my partner after getting fed up with him coming here and dossing all day to "see his daughter" He has no money and lives in a hovel. For a few days he stayed away.
I still let him come here and I cook for him even though I've no money as I feel totally sorry for him. He lives nearby so that makes it difficult. We have no loving/ sexual relationship but I feel like I have to look after him as he's down and out and my daughters dad..How do I make the break? I lie to my family and say I don't see him, I've no close family or friends nearby too. How can I break the cycle without worrying about him not eating? X

It sounds like you’ll find it really hard to stop it - he’s not your responsibility but I’m not sure knowing that will change how you feel

Why is he down and out? Is this how you want your child to think he is a good father.He is not your responsibility why doesn’t he work is the hovel a squat? Has he always lived like this ? Really think is this the life you want.

Unfortunately I don’t think there is any way other than “just” saying no to him. Has he got parents you could send him to?

I put just into “” because it’s not simple, I get that, but he won’t stop otherwise because why would he?

pp is right. He isn’t your responsibility, he’s a grown man with the ability to navigate work and benefits.

hope you can get free of him and his work.

You can say no. The more you do it the easier it gets. I’d start by being honest with your family. It sounds like they’re more interested in your happiness and security than you are. If you’re ashamed of seeing him you know it’s bad news!

As if he won’t eat unless you feed him. Of course he will. Why’s he got no money? Does he work? Claim benefits? It sounds like not only is he not contributing to his child’s costs he’s actually costing you money. Money you don’t have! Money that you could be spending on your daughter.

Come on. Do you want to show her an example of a strong, independent woman or a doormat?

You break the cycle by deciding to. Text him and say you can't afford to feed him anymore, it's not your responsibility and he needs to sort himself out for the sake of his child.

'He has no money and lives in a hovel'

That's his problem to solve, not yours. And he isn't going to do anything about it while you are providing food and a roof over his head. You do NOT have to look after him. He's a lazy good-for-nothing.

You've got to be cruel to be kind, so kick the useless git out.

Thanks so much for your advice everyone , the only thing that's changed is that I don't sleep with him anymore. You've all given me a lot to think about how to do this, thank you x

Thanks I DO need to talk to my family x

While you keep bailing him out, what incentive does he have to get his act together?

Maybe not having the opportunity to make himself comfortable in your house will give him the kick up the arse to get a job and sort his own place out.

Stop letting him in.

The fact your ex lives in a 'hovel' and has no money, is not your responsibility (or fault). He is a grown adult, not a child, and is responsible for his own life. If he doesn't work, why not? He must be claiming benefits? The more you allow him to stay around at your home and cook meals for him, the longer this cycle of behaviour will continue. There's no incentive for him to change. For his daughter's sake, he needs to sort his life out, but the only person who can do that, is him. You need to start laying boundaries down and saying No.

You say he lives in a hovel. Well then he can claim benefits because he has an abode, whilst looking for work and he can get food from the food bank if he needs to. He’s not your responsibility. He’s a grown adult. What lessons are you teaching your daughter here? That women are responsible for men? That men can take advantage of women? That men are lazy, workshy, losers who live in filth? You need to show her that women aren’t there to take care of men. That women can say no. You need to set boundaries and keep them to model that to your daughter. Do you want her to grow up with no boundaries and an inability to say no to men? Think about that.

One of the best life lessons you can teach your dd is that it is not a womens lot in life to try and take care of/fix broken men, to have strong boundaries and self worth and to expect the men in your life to be self sufficient. You're undermining all of those lessons for her every time you feed him and sort him out when you've no money yourself - that money you're feeding him with could be going into a wee savings pot for her even if it's a few pound a week that all adds up. Personally I'd be telling him that it's enough now. That he needs to start to step up, to take better care of himself and to set a better example for his dd.

There are lots of ways he can sort himself out starting with meeting with the likes of citizens advice to check he's claiming all he can benefits wise, seeing the gp about mental health and self care and maybe getting a support worker to help him get started, linking in with the local housing authority to find suitable housing or taking responsibility for cleaning up the place he's living.

Plenty of people fall on hard times op and they rebuild - not saying its easy by any means - but it's also not impossible.

Thank you x