I need a reality check about my parents

[Goingfullnuclear]

i grew up with parents who kept me at arm’s length, were neglectful and emotionally distant when I was little. I felt they would view me very much as there for their entertainment as an extension of them but be uninterested in my feelings, and were more preoccupied with themselves and each other than me. I was NC with them for five years from the age of 16 when I left home, then LC until I was 30 and had my own DC.

they since have seemed to change. They are helpful with DC and are surprisingly good with their DGC. On more hopeful days I find myself believing that the years of NC and LC made them want me in their life more and appreciate me, but if I am being cynical I feel like by being NC/LC robbed them of being able to have me and DGC as a happy family for appearances sake, which is very important to them.

3 years ago my dad was diagnosed with dementia. He has become aggressive and has some very difficult physical and mental symptoms to manage which I help my mum
with a lot, on top of work and care for DC.

Both of them have sworn me to secrecy about this diagnosis and involve me in their elaborate attempts to cover up what are very obvious symptoms of dementia on his part, in front of all close family and friends. Eg forgetting people’s names, getting lost, being violent, telling elaborate stories and half truths as a mixture of the past and present. I am expending a lot of energy doing this for them, covering for the stories, making up excuses, and am subject to constant paranoia from them that I have let the cat out of the bag. They will often give me the cold shoulder / punishing treatment because they suspect I have said something to someone, but I never have. This is all despite the fact I am doing a lot for them / contributing to pay for their care.

This year, my partner left me and the DC by having an affair with a younger woman who posted about it on her social media. My parents were supportive enough during the days of finding out, but I have since received correspondence from three family members and a couple of family friends saying that my mum has told them the full story, including sent them links with the social media posts of the woman talking about her affair with my partner (not using names of course, just about her experience.) These family and friends know names, dates, places, people. How much I cried. How I begged him to stay. How much money I have left since he’s gone.

i know I should be angry, I know it’s obvious that it’s hypocritical and a clear breach of trust, but I really need to understand why they do this. Why is it ok for their life to be private and not mine? Why can’t they return the trust and respect I have extended to them? Why are they constantly protecting themselves and each other and not me? I just don’t know what goes through their heads. It’s like I have a childlike mindset when it comes to them. I can think in an adult way about everything else.

First of all, I'm sorry you had those experiences as a child and to hear about the things that have happened recently.

I've recently gone very low contact/ no contact with my entire (large) family and it's what I'd do in your case.
But it's easier said than done, especially when there are children involved. Wishing you well

They do this because they can and see you as an extension of them. You have also received the Special Training from your narcissistic parents to put their own selves first with your own needs dead last.

They have not changed and you can only change how you react to them. Personally they are not worth bothering about and you do not owe them anything let alone a relationship here. I would drop the rope they hold out to you and further reduce all levels of contact.

They are simply awful people. They always were and they always will be. They built a relationship with their grandchildren for the sake of appearances, not because they genuinely loved them and wanted to help.

They have massively broken your trust yet again, so I would go no contact and while I wouldn't actively mention your dad's dementia to anyone, if asked for your opinion or thoughts by anyone, I wouldn't continue to cover up the situation. I would also stop contributing financially to their care. You need to focus your money/resources on your own family, particularly your children.

I'm so sorry that you had such dreadful parents when you were young and that they have massively let you down again.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Has said it.

Some people don’t think the same as others. Maybe it’s selfishness or disordered thinking. They want to have their own way so they adjust their thinking to allow them to do this without feeling bad about it.

It means they have no firm sense of right and wrong, fairness or morality. If it is what THEY want, then it’s OK to do. It’s a very infantile way of thinking - like a 3yr old snatching a toy from another child. They do it because they want the toy. They rationalise it with all sorts of excuses.

If they are both like that it will make them worse as a pair.

That is the only way I can answer your question, why they are like this. Just be happy you are not.

Your next question is what shall I do about it? The bond and unmet needs of the children of these type of parents causes deep and confusing feelings.

An outsider would see this clearly and say that you owe them nothing. But I know that even if you understand this, it’s very hard to let go of the emotions.

Again from the outsiders view, you do not need to keep their secrets if they won’t keep yours. They may be narcissists, they may not - but you have had the Special Training (as per the above poster), to Keep You in Your Place and make your needs subservient to them.

I would suggest you do what feels right to YOU. You are the one with the skill to judge your own behaviour - they obviously don’t have that skill.

Im sorry about your relationship and they should have respected your views.

I'm so sorry OP but you have emotionally abusive parents. You don't owe them your loyalty or your attempts to lie for them. You trusted your instincts when you left home and had nothing to do with them, and I would suggest it's time to do that again. I know it's hard but if nothing else the impact of their vile behaviour on you will be having an impact on how emotionally available you are to your kids. They need a happy mum. Don't let your parents manipulate you.

The dementia thing is preposterous and if anything surely it would be more shameful that he's violent and acting up because that's his character, as opposed to suffering cognitive impairment? If they're so obsessed with image I doubt the optics of this charade are doing them any favours.
You can tell your mum you feel she overstepped by sharing such intimate details of your break up with her mates. Almost like a free streaming service offering a soap opera?! I'd keep things to myself in future around her. I'd also say that there's no way you can lie about your dad's diagnosis any longer as it makes everyone look foolish.

You might find the book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" helpful.
And "Your turn for care", I can't remember the author, it's about having elderly parents who were abusive and being expected to care for them

At the very least I would say clearly to your mum that now that you're a single parent you need to focus your time and energy on children and work and can no longer help her with your dad. She will have to acknowledge if she can't manage his needs and get some help in. Stop indulging their dangerous pretense. He's going to hurt himself, your mum or someone else if he doesn't get the right care. Don't enable their nonsense any more OP.