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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shock to the system

10 replies

Stuckinahole1 · 23/01/2025 13:40

Ive been dating someone for a couple of months and he opened up about an issue he’s been having at work.

He had a few to many at the work party and got a written warning for inappropriate behaviour ( hugged a female team member) she said he tried to touch her legs but another team member he was with said that never happened. Nevertheless HR still gave him the warning.

He's the kindest , sweetest guy I’ve met and he’s always been respectful towards me but this has really knocked his confidence.

it’s almost winded me slightly as this is quite a thing to admit - to be fair to him he didn’t have to tell me and he said he didn’t tell me straight away as we’d only just started dating.

i genuinely don’t think he did it but my ex was abusive and I had the police turn up once because he was accused of the same sort of thing but a bit more serious.

how would everyone else feel? Or has their partner been in the same situation?

OP posts:
Shadysun · 23/01/2025 13:54

The thing is, you don't know what HR have said or what his colleagues have said or seen. You only have his version. If he's telling you about this, it may be because he knows it's going to come out and wants to control the narrative. It might be a bigger incident than he's made out. Or, of course, it might not.

username299 · 23/01/2025 13:57

I would keep an open mind and observe his drinking habits. If he can't control his drink or is a letch when he drinks, I would run.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 23/01/2025 13:59

That would be it for me, I'm afraid. He's telling you now because it's going to get worse. He's getting his side of the story in. I wouldn't want a relationship with him.

Original poster
Stuckinahole1 · 23/01/2025 14:03

@Shadysun he's shown me the script from the HR interview with witnesses etc so I can see it matches with what he’s saying.

I just think it’s triggered me from previous incidents

OP posts:
teenmaw · 23/01/2025 14:03

Op it takes a lot for women to report these things. Don't be naive, he's a drunken letch. That means he's a letch deep down and it slips out when he's drunk. So what you're getting is his narrative before the investigation kicks off and he loses his job. You've picked a dud here, more red flags than the Albanian embassy

Original poster
Stuckinahole1 · 23/01/2025 14:04

@username299 hes never drunk more than 1 beer when we have had dinner together , he said as it was a work party he just got a bit carried away

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 23/01/2025 14:36

Nobody here can say whether he did or didn't try to grope someone. But we do know that he obviously did hug someone who didn't want to be hugged, as he admits that part himself.

This is what jumped out at me from your post:

my ex was abusive and I had the police turn up once because he was accused of the same sort of thing but a bit more serious

I suspect that regardless of whether the man you're dating did anything wrong or not, it's not going to be healthy for you to be in a relationship where the possibility of this is at the back of your mind. If you hadn't had that experience with your ex I'd say keep an open mind and proceed with caution, but I'm not sure you're ever going to be able to put this doubt out of your head if you're carrying the trauma of a similar incident with your ex.

TwistedWonder · 23/01/2025 14:42

I’m an HR manager and written warnings are not just handed out without investigation and talking to all parties.

The fact it went straight to a written warning rather than a verbal one which is usually given for a first offence does stand out that’s there’s more to this than he’s telling you.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/01/2025 14:47

I wouldn't hang around to find out one way or the other.
There are other people out there with no funny business going on around them to date.

Burntt · 23/01/2025 15:14

Have you told him about your abusive ex? I find sharing that too early in a new relationship is never good as it paints a target on your head for other abusers and can scare off good guys who see it as baggage they don't want.

My ex had a similar story about an incident at work when I met him. I believed him. I had a history of an abusive ex and was open about it. He turned out to be abusive.

If you feel uncomfortable about it then don't just forget it. Look for red flags. Do a Claire's law with the police? Maybe it's not just work there is warning flags. But of course nothing showing on Claire's law just means noone has ever been to the police about him. If you want to keep seeing him then do just be wary as I think any woman should anyway

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