Forgetting but still caring?

[MzDon]

Hi, I'm looking for opinions, I can't see the wood for the trees.

My partner has a bad memory, and he also has a habit of not hearing what I say or ask for if it doesn't fit what he needs (he has childhood trauma and is addressing that).

There has been a pattern of him not hearing what I need. I'm changing tactics and set out very clearly what I need. This week I had an appointment, hadn't asked him to come with me, reminded him twice it was happening, and told him what I needed to hear from him before I went - essentially good luck. He knew it was important, he knows I'm at the end of the line. And he forgot.

He says that forgetting doesn't mean he doesn't care. My view is that he obviously doesn't care, he knew how important it was and took no steps to remind himself, or take a note, or to remember in any way. It didn't register enough for him to care about it. He claims he cares and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

I just don't know anymore. Is it a sign of not caring?

Does he actually have a medical issue with his hearing and/or memory?

Bit on the fence.

There are things which are important to some people, which, no matter how much I care about the person, I cannot force myself to care about the thing which is important to them. It just isn't important to me. We're different humans with different values and priorities.
I would do my best to remember, because I care about them, but it would be more of a struggle because the thing itself is not important to me, and I might forget.

So I think he can perfectly validly care about you and not really care about your appointment. That's who he is.

And also it's entirely up to you whether you find that acceptable, or whether you need a partner to meet your needs in certain ways which he's not doing.

Personally, my philosophy is more around not "needing" anything from others, because you cannot rely on other people to do what you want. So I guess I would either have tried to give myself the reassurance I needed, or to have gone to him/messaged him and said "I'm going to the appointment now, can you wish me luck?" if it were that important to me.

But you are a different human to me, so if it's important to you to have a partner who feels the same as you on these matters, that's perfectly reasonable as well.

If he knows this sort of thing is an issue for him he could have set himself a reminder, ordered a card or small flowers to be delivered to you on the morning wishing you luck etc.. He could have made an effort to have made you feel heard IF he had cared enough. It's not as if you didn't tell him what you needed. This would make me feel very unloved and unimportant to that person.

My ex was like this. He never remembered my serious appointments, interviews, important events. I never got good luck or “how was your appointment/interview “ it felt like he didn’t care at all. I always had to bring it up afterwards or if he tried calling during, it’s one of the reasons why we are no longer together

My stbx was like this and over the years it really does take an emotional toll on you. This uncaring/forgetting part of him is one of the main reasons we are splitting since he's decided to be the same way with the children. It hurts. The question you need to ask yourself is whether he is worth being with in other ways since he will never change. Mine wasn't as his uncaring, not thinking, not supportive, always forgetting side also showed up in (not) caring for the children and (not) running of the household, in fact anything that didn't put him first.

What does he do to enhance your life in other ways?

Thank you.

I agree, I am responsible for my own happiness and if I am looking for someone to fulfill 'needs' it's never going to work. So I agree with the sentiment there.

The good parts are all good but if, when it comes to it, I feel alone, is it worth it. And that's why I'm struggling to get my head around the 'just because I forgot doesn't mean I don't care' sentiment.

Lots to think about.

I'm sorry for those who have gone through similar, I know how the sadness feels and I hope you are all doing ok.

My dh can be like this. Forgets the first anniversary my dad’s death and then says “oh I thought it was at Christmas.” (It wasn’t; it was when I was heavily pregnant and I hadnt actually been pregnant at Christmas).

it has taken me years to understand what he means when he says he does care, but doesn’t remember any important details of my life. And he has forgotten some huge things over the 20 years of our marriage.

but I know he loves me and he shows he cares in other ways. I look out for those and treasure them. And I let the rest go.

My husband is like this. I hate it. He does it with the kids stuff too. And now he's advanced to asking me something, I answer him then a few days later he'll ask the exact same question again. And a few days later a third time, which I then get cross at him and he acts like I'm unreasonable because he "just forgot". He doesn't forget stuff at work, or stuff important to him.

I can't remember the last time he made sure he was home for something at school for the kids or asking how it went afterwards. If I need to be somewhere for work so need him at home, I have to send him a meeting invite so he puts it in his calendar then verbally remind him at least 6 times. And sometimes he still forgets so I have to cancel going out for team meals etc.

I don't believe they can't remember. They don't want to remember.

The one that hurts the most is he can't remember either the date I miscarried our twins or their due date. One of those dates is the same date (obviously not the year) that was the due date of one of our children. So there are other ways he could remember.