Is it over? Have I checked out

[DearSleepycat]

Sorry this is going to be a long one. Me and my husband have 2 children. Our oldest is 2 and a half and our youngest is just over a year old.

Our first child was challenging traumatic birth and is autistic and day to day can be so challenging. Our youngest was a breeze easy labour.

Both of my children I love dearly even though the oldest is challenging I wouldn't change anything for a second. I was never maternal so I was worried I'd be a bad mother. But I definitely became maternal when they came into the world.

Since having our kids I feel like my marriage has just gone to pot. I knew it was going to be hard and that time for each other would be a lot less. But it's got to the point that I only get attention when his bed needs are required. Other than that I feel completely isolated in the world. I feel like I'm just required at that moment and our relationship has just blown with the breeze. He will go into office unless I ask him to do stuff or if it's related to the kids. I can't say he's not putting the effort in with them because he is and he's a great dad.

Maybe I've just checked out now. Everytime we argue I get angry that I become overwhelmed and angry I hit things like the wall to try vent frustration which I know is so bad I feel terrible each time. I have tried anti depressants to suppress everything but they just make me feel like I'm in a very dark box and I feel nothing at all not even happiness. I don't want to go on them again. It jdut crushes the little bit of soul and love I had left.

Every time I suggest it might be best to separate my husband doesn't want to he tells me he loves me, but I feel like we live like room mates. I feel like nothing is going to change I spend all day and my evening with my kids with exception of work. I feel so lost and I'm not sure what to do.

I feel like I've done all the wrong things and I'm the problem.. I don't want my kids to grow up with us like this I want them to always feel loved

I think for most people life with young children is like being room mates, or team mates, rather than a romantic couple. That’s the reality of juggling everything, but it’s important to find some time together wherever you possibly can.

Is there anyone who can take the children for a few hours for a date? Or even an undisturbed meal with no responsibilities? A night away?

@DearSleepycat so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, you haven't necessarily "checked out" but you are overwhelmed. That is understandable. Kids are hard work especially at those ages, in top of that you have the autism to deal with.
It's ok to be overwhelmed, and it is ok to feel lie your relationship is falling apart. You have both been through a lot. Traumatic birth is tough for you both and the autism. With so much happening in a relatively short space of time you will probably find neither of you have had time to process it all. Your needs from the relationship change as kids arrive, you need to feel supported and valued from him, he needs to feel you still desire him.

You need to communicate to each other what makes you happy in your relationship and what you now value from the other person. You need to learn to give differently to that relationship and make the space needed. You also need to accept that for a little while longer at least you are both in survival mode. Be kind to yourself, be kind to eachother, and make sure you get the space individually and as a couple to realign. Good luck.