Has anyone ever ended a relationship because of partners extended family?

[Watersea]

I don’t know if I’m being OTT here but my partners family are just crazy, so so different to what I’m used to. How they chose to socialise, talk to each other, raise their kids, work (or not work) etc is just completely different to my own experiences. This is also how my partner has been brought up and I’d say he largely doesn’t see an issue in any of it.
he’s quieter than the rest of his family but he wants to have kids and all I can think is that I wouldn’t want any of the extended family looking after this hypothetical child.

am I being unreasonable or is this important to consider?

I ended a relationship because of my partner's extended family, many years ago. But it was less to do with his family, and more to do with his enmeshment with them. If he had a rational and considered relationship with them, I could have easily stayed with him. But he was a mummy's boy, and he also revered all of his family: the cousins, the aunts, the uncles. It was awful for me.

Would your partner put you and your child first if you were to stay with him? If the answer is no, then it's time to leave, in my opinion.

Yes I think he would but I also worry his values very much align with his families and I’m not sure then that they align with mine. An example would be that his sisters and brothers don’t seem too concerned if their young children attend school or not, are allowed sick days whenever they suit and their parents don’t tend to even get to to get them to school. So I worry it would lead to conflict between us.
He is also very close with his family and is excited for a potential child to spend a lot of time with them

I think you are being very sensible, it’s a serious consideration. It would cause me to end a relationship unless he didn’t see them often or they lived quite far away.

I think it depends mainly on the person’s relationship with their family and how the person you’re in a relationship with views their family.

I feel this way about my in laws, but the difference in my situation was my husband quite literally distanced himself from them as much as possible as soon as he was old enough to, and he has always recognised the issues with them and with how he was raised himself, he always said he didn’t want that for his own children. They’re his parents so they will always be in our lives but they aren’t “look after the kids” grandparents (nor do they want to be), we see them rarely (which is a choice on both sides), and so it’s not really been an issue.

But if my husband hadn’t saw any issue with it and was close with them then it would have been a dealbreaker for me personally for the same reasons you have mentioned.

To be honest OP, if you're having (perfectly reasonable) doubts at this stage, I would end things. Parenthood is hard enough when you're both on the same page, but he obviously isn't with you.

Yes, I've ended relationships when I've truly got to know their wider family and realised they were too enmeshed with toxic dynamics. You have to remember if you have children with that person you'll be attached forever to them and their family and if it doesn't work out your child could be with them 50%. If your dp can truly see the dysfunction for what it is and wants different for himself and you as a couple then go ahead and stay but I'd call time on it from what you've already said. Never underestimate the power of familiarity over, especially when fundamental change would move him away from a structure he has been used to his whole life.

You're right to think about this. When people become parents many revert back to their family values and family habits in surprising ways. Also some people find it hard to do things differently from how they were brought up as they see it as implied criticism of their parents' choices, rather than just doing the right thing for your child with the knowledge that you now have in the modern world. For example attitudes to car seats, passive smoking etc...

In your case it sounds like there'll certainly be a lot of pressure from his family to toe the line and fit in with their ways. You'll probably already know how comfortable he is with asserting himself with them vs reverting back to childhood roles, and to what extent he wants to fit in with them for a quiet life.

“his values very much align with his families and I’m not sure then that they align with mine”

this is why this relationship won’t work. You don’t have the same values. I’d end it now and move on and save a lot of anxiety, resentment and heartache.

Also, I personally wouldn’t have a child with someone I wasn’t married to because if it doesn’t work out, at least you have some financial protections and are entitled to half the marital assets.

Yes I’m starting to worry about the values thing.

and no I would never get married for that exact reason, to protect my own assets

Yes it’s exactly those things like car seats, smoking, curse words, dodging the tax man etc. just do different to how I live

One of my very first potential relations came to a shuddering halt when my relatively new BF quite unselfconsciously told me his mother's opinion on something we had discussed amongst ourselves, showing absolutely now awareness of how inappropriate I found it that he had clearly poured out the whole story to her and asked her opinion.

It was the small matter of at what point we might start sleeping together.

Do sometimes wonder whether he ever made the connection and worked out why I dumped him. As PP has pointed out, it's less about the whole family and all to do with his relationship to them.

That’s wild!! What reason did you give for breaking up with him? And did you tell him your thoughts on that?

What reason did you give for breaking up with him?

My only excuse is that I was very young at the time, first year of uni. I simply turned up to the next party with someone else. Then he failed his end of year exams and the problem went away. Not my finest hour.