Can’t get over this heartbreak. Please help

[Heja]

I don’t know what I’m looking for… stories of hope I guess that this pain will eventually go. I wrote a thread last November about how my husband of 15 years walked out on me and our children completely unexpectedly. I’ll see if I can link the thread below.
The summary is that I think he had some kind of breakdown. He left his job, stopped talking to his friends etc and just seemed to lose control of his life. I’ve tried everything to support him through this time- arranging counselling, encouraging him onto medication, facilitating him seeing the children whenever he wants… but he eventually said he wants a divorce. I suspect there’s more to the story, probably another woman.

Anyway, I just can’t get over the heartbreak. It’s all consuming. I never ever saw it coming and I can’t believe it’s happened. Our house is full to the brim of ‘us’ everywhere I look. Wedding pictures, family pictures, his clothes in the wardrobes, his books on the bookcase, his favourite mug in the cupboard, his golf bag still in the boot of my car…. Everything seems to hold a memory, everywhere I look.
He has said he will come and collect it all at some point but right now it’s just a painful reminder he’s not here. The urge to call him just to talk about my day is overwhelming. I have so much to tell him. Locking up the house every night by myself I feel so lonely. The children were initially devastated but are adjusting well, I’m trying so hard to not let them see the heartbreak so there’s lots of crying in the shower or when they’re in bed.
I feel like I’m grieving. I’ve lost 2 stone, feel a sense of panic all the time and everything feels so uncertain. Most of all I just miss him so much.

Can someone tell me it gets better? That there will be life after divorce? I need some stories of hope right now and any tactics to deal with the heartbreak would be appreciated.

Oh you poor thing, OP. That sounds horrendous. I think there are quite a few of us on here who've been through something similar.

My ex-H announced he was leaving me the day after Boxing Day - this was 8 years ago. It was a complete shock to me and both our families. He didn't have the breakdown bit that your H seems to have had but there was another woman involved.

The physical pain you are describing is exactly as how I remember. It is hellish and it will and does get better but it takes time. You are at the beginning and there is so much to sort out. You will probably go through a range of emotions - anger being one of them.

Please get all your paperwork together and if you are able, pay and have an hour with a solicitor - I can't under-estimate this bit. Sorry, I know that's not what you've asked but it is so important. Emotions can sometimes get the better of us and we make the wrong decisions.

Please take care of yourself too. Can you get some counselling and talk to someone neutral? Maybe pack some of his things away and bag up his clothes so you don't keep seeing them? Buy some new bedding and mugs. Sorry, just thinking of the immediate things I did.

I am sorry you are going through this but it will get easier over time. Take care and keep posting. You'll get lots of helpful advice on here and it's always a safe place to vent 🌺

I meant to add, yes absolutely, life gets better after divorce. It's different and not what we had planned but we are very adaptable creatures. My DS is now 10 and I love that it's just us two. He has a good relationship with his Dad and we get on ok now (in small doses only 😊).

Thank you for your reply. The abruptness of it all has been overwhelming. Like your situation, him leaving came as a huge shock not just to me but to all of our family and friends. He’s left me dealing with all the questions when I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why men do it I really don’t. We had (what I thought) was a great life and to leave it all behind seems unfathomable to me. I keep replaying all of our life together and thinking about all the plans for the future and the promises we made each other and I can’t understand where/how it all went so wrong.

I can’t think of my life without him, the second I think further ahead than today I feel so panicked.

Yes I’m taking legal advice, he seems to want to do it all very amicably at the moment but my trust in what he says has well and truly gone.
Ive also started putting his stuff to one side, which is necessary but SO difficult. Like breaking apart our whole existence together. I’m struggling so much with it all.

How are you getting on OP?
I'm in the very same situation, except he has done me SO wrong in the past 5 years - I'm so angry that I stood by him and got him help because, like yourself I couldn't imagine a future without him. I'm just filled with sadness and anger that he is gone and also annoyed with myself because I miss the old him so much. Such a confusing feeling. We have children together that adore him so we've been all big smiles when he comes to visit,... I want him back here - both the arsehole he has recently been, just the man I originally fell in love with.
I also think there may a woman involved which makes me feel sick.

How are u doing now?
Xxxx

Op how are doing now?

I am so sorry. That sounds hellish and you sound like an incredibly loving, gentle and kind person, so extra hard on you. I think you need to develop some self- protective steel. For a start - give him a deadline to come and collect all his stuff. Can you ask his family to help come and collect it. Explain that it is very painful to have all his things here, reminding you and you need to move on, so that includes him removing everything that belongs to him. Don't let him cherry pick what he wants and leave the rest. You are not a storage unit.

It's very hard to try and stop feeling sad about such a betrayal. But you can try instead to fill your head with other things that happen not to make you feel sad. Make a list of things you love that he hated - foods you never cooked, music you never listened to, holiday destinations he had no interest in, hobbies that fascinated you but not him etc and things you always wanted to do but never got around to because married life was busy. Make time for some of them now. Take on a new interest. Book a holiday for you and DC to a place or of a type that he'd have rejected. Cook a week's worth of meals he'd have turned his nose up at. Blast out your favourite pop tunes from when you were a teenager. Paint your bedroom a colour you love that he hated or redesign it in a style you love that he'd have vetoed.

None of these are about turning against him. They are just ways to re-establish your autonomy, your independent self, your spirit, your joy and self-expression. The more you focus on those, the stronger you'll feel.

Take some gorgeous photos of you and DC on holiday. Have them blown up and framed and give them equal prominence in your home. Keep up some photos with him in, as a way of honouring that part of your life - it was good while it lasted. But start to fill your home with evidence of good times since the change, too.

You will get there.

It takes time but you need to focus on yourself to move forward.

@Heja don’t give up , things will get better and you ll look back and wonder why you felt so negative as you do now!p.s. did you notice any different behaviour in ex months or weeks prior to him walking out? Was he working late or started to do activities etc with “friends , work colleagues “ etc?

How awful for you. You have shown more kindness and compassion than he deserves. When someone you love and trust completely betrays you in this way, it’s common to want to find a reason for it - like a breakdown. I don’t buy this. It’s bullshit. He didn’t have a breakdown, he just turned out to be a selfish prick, like lots of other husbands do. It’s time to take all the energy you put into supporting your husband into supporting yourself.

Counselling would be a good start. And it’s not fair on you to be surrounded by all his stuff. It’s a constant reminder. You’re right to say you don’t trust him - read up on ‘the script’. Most men say all the right things at the start or a split, then prove to be selfish twats when it comes down to it.

Good luck OP. It will get better.

There is a life afterwards. My first husband left me in the middle of the night without warning and never came back. It took me a good 5 years to get over it. Each year slightly better than the last. The first of everything without them I found the worst, shopping, summer, birthdays, Xmas etc. I lost 4 stone in 4 months at the time so I get how devastating it all is as the enormity continues to unfold like an unwanted gift that keeps on giving. At the time I never gave up faith that there was life afterwards and a good life to be had. I will be forever changed by that experience not all of it bad. Someone said to me at the time in the absence of not knowing what to do just put one foot infront of the other and if you are getting by hour by hour that’s more than good enough. But to answer your question where there is a will, yes there is a good life to be had and you will learn so much about yourself that one day you’ll be proud of if not thankful for even in the horrendous circumstances you were forced to learn.