Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused

10 replies

RedDoorPoster · 22/01/2025 13:09

Recently (my Husband of 3yrs, Partner of 32yrs went to a friend's funeral. His ex, her sister and her mother were also there. My Husband and his ex hadn't seen each other for 34yrs, since she had ended their marriage by tricking him into moving their caravan(which they lived in on her mother's property while saving for a house deposit) into a caravan park. Shortly afterwards he found out she was with someone from her work. I had met her briefly at the toilets after the service and our encounter was polite and respectful. At the wake later she approached us and invited my Husband to go to their table as her mother wanted to say hi to him. We had no issues with this and out of respect and consideration for the occasion decided it was the best thing to do in the circumstances. So we both went to their table. While her mother kept my Husband talking and her sister who was sitting across the table from her was on her mbl ph she said to me "So how is he, how's he been". I thought she was just making conversation and was referring to his general health and well being and I said' "yes, he's good." Then she said, "Cos I know what he can be like." I looked at her. Then she said. "Oh yes, I know what he can be like. You don't have to tell me. I know, I know. Shock horror. My response was to say nothing. Soon after they left the table to say their goodbye's to the wife of the friend who'd passed away. We also made a move to do the same to find them still waiting in the adjoining room to speak to the wife. She was talking to someone else. So we stood on the other side of them while we waited. My Husband went to the toilet and while he was away, the sister who was standing near me said to me. "So, does he treats you well". I was still in shock and trying to process what her sister had said. I said, "yes, yes he does. We have been together for 32 yrs. She said, "Oh, that's good. That's really good. Then I was aware of my Husband standing behind me. When I turned back around after speaking to him, they had gone. To be clear, at no time in my relationship with my Husband has he ever done or said anything to hurt me in any way. I would like to hear any ideas about why they would do that.

OP posts:
Anonym00se · 22/01/2025 13:14

I wouldn’t overthink it. I assume he was a very young man when he was with his ex. She has possibly told her family a load of rubbish about their split. If he was a closet abuser you’d have noticed after three decades.

Karatema · 22/01/2025 13:17

Speak as you find! It was more than 32 years ago.
My DH has changed in the last 32 years.

category12 · 22/01/2025 13:31

I wouldn't give it too much thought - if your marriage has been happy and there's never been any abuse or whatever else she may have been hinting at, it probably means that the ex's version of what happened in their relationship was very different to his.

If she cheated on him, she may have justified it to her family by painting a dark picture of the relationship.

Or he might have behaved differently back then, as a young man - perhaps he was scary when he found out about the affair, for example.

As long as you and he are in a happy healthy place and you have no concerns about him, then it's ancient history.

whaddayawannado · 22/01/2025 14:13

Just forget all about it.

MarkingBad · 22/01/2025 14:21

When people say they know someone they haven't seen for a while they mean they know what he was like back then.

Or these people could just be shit stirring and finding it all funny to make you wobble about your relationship.

Either way it's a nonsense for you, he's your husband you know him better than they do.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 22/01/2025 14:25

RedDoorPoster · 22/01/2025 13:09

Recently (my Husband of 3yrs, Partner of 32yrs went to a friend's funeral. His ex, her sister and her mother were also there. My Husband and his ex hadn't seen each other for 34yrs, since she had ended their marriage by tricking him into moving their caravan(which they lived in on her mother's property while saving for a house deposit) into a caravan park. Shortly afterwards he found out she was with someone from her work. I had met her briefly at the toilets after the service and our encounter was polite and respectful. At the wake later she approached us and invited my Husband to go to their table as her mother wanted to say hi to him. We had no issues with this and out of respect and consideration for the occasion decided it was the best thing to do in the circumstances. So we both went to their table. While her mother kept my Husband talking and her sister who was sitting across the table from her was on her mbl ph she said to me "So how is he, how's he been". I thought she was just making conversation and was referring to his general health and well being and I said' "yes, he's good." Then she said, "Cos I know what he can be like." I looked at her. Then she said. "Oh yes, I know what he can be like. You don't have to tell me. I know, I know. Shock horror. My response was to say nothing. Soon after they left the table to say their goodbye's to the wife of the friend who'd passed away. We also made a move to do the same to find them still waiting in the adjoining room to speak to the wife. She was talking to someone else. So we stood on the other side of them while we waited. My Husband went to the toilet and while he was away, the sister who was standing near me said to me. "So, does he treats you well". I was still in shock and trying to process what her sister had said. I said, "yes, yes he does. We have been together for 32 yrs. She said, "Oh, that's good. That's really good. Then I was aware of my Husband standing behind me. When I turned back around after speaking to him, they had gone. To be clear, at no time in my relationship with my Husband has he ever done or said anything to hurt me in any way. I would like to hear any ideas about why they would do that.

OP, why on earth did you just not ask them what they meant?

Sedgwick · 22/01/2025 14:27

Some people like making mischief, they enjoy stirring up trouble where none exists. I would put it out of your mind and relax.

My other thought is his ex and her family have a different possibly fictitious version of their marriage all those years ago which they’ve come to believe. One of my sisters (60) does this, she has changed childhood stories and her life history in her head to a more dramatic but fundamentally inaccurate version. My other sister and my brother and I stay quiet but do the odd eye roll to each other.

Sorry that was a bit long, forget about it Op.

Itrytobesensible · 22/01/2025 16:28

I wouldn't give it head space OP.

They haven't seen him for 34 years so it's pretty safe to say you know him a damn sight better than them!

It sounds like trouble making tbh.

And you have no idea what his ex told her family about the break up. She certainly will have told them a version that justified her own behaviour and that will have involved painting him as the one to blame for their relationship ending.

Original poster
RedDoorPoster · 23/01/2025 12:53

Further to my last post. Sorry, this is another long one. Regarding some of the answers to my question. It was not what she said I was confused about. I have no insecurities or doubts about my Husband past or present. They were living in their caravan in her mothers yard and there were, 2/3 other of her siblings living at the home. I feel confident there was no abuse happening. It was WHY she said it. I thought it was a disgracefull thing to do. Considering the sad occasion we were at and the enormous lapse in time since she ended their marriage or even having seen him . I'm trying to understand what/how she would be thinking that would cause her to say anything at all. What was she looking to achieve. To the commenter, category12. Thank you for your comment. To clarify. When I said she tricked my Husband into moving in to the caravan park, I meant she was the one who had suggested they do that. After the van and annex were put in place on the site, she set everything up the same way it had been when parked at her mothers house but made an excuse to not stay the night. Next morning my husband discovered none of her stuff was there and realised she hadn't moved in. He then discovered she had left him for the other bloke. After getting over the initial shock, he had to accept what she had done and got on with his life. My confusion centres around, considering what SHE had done, the length of time passed, the occasion we were at, and that she said those things to me. I was asking the question to help me understand her REASONS for doing it. Again, sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
Karatema · 24/01/2025 15:41

You will never get inside her head so there is no point to wondering. Enjoy the life you have with your DH and forget about her.
Look to the future.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page