I would sincerely love anyone's and everyone's opinion. Strap in for a tale -
My partner is neurodiverse, ADHD and autism. She is very high achieving and self aware. She is intellectually very knowledgeable about relationships, psychology etc etc. While I am intellectually clever, I'm not very emotionally aware.
We have been together 4 years, knowing each other for 6. Our children we friends and continue to be. That's how me met. I had a previous relationship that was abusive and caused me a lot of problems mentally.
When we got together, I probably wasn't ready for a relationship. I was struggling to adjust to living away from my kids and the scars from my previous relationship were very apparent, although not to me. I was blind to the affect they had.
We stayed together and had numerous ups and downs but battled through it, as we did truly love one another. Although we never actually went 'official'. Because the kids were so close we didn't want to be public and then have them go through the upset if we didn't make it. That still stands to this day - we live together but the kids think we're just really best friends and don't show affection in public.
About 2 years ago we were on the verge of breaking in up. We practically did, we said we'd stay living together and see if it could work, but we were officially single. She said she wanted to date as she was ready for a relatinship and said I wasn't in a position to provide one. I said I'd try and 'win' her back while she was 'free'.
During this time she started seeing someone that she said they were just friends, but did include meals and nights out etc. We were still living together. That lasted a few months and then they fell out. She says they never dated and didn't do anything. Obviously that period sticks with me.
Over the last 18 months I've had some mental health issues which she has helped somewhat with, but also been fairly critical, saying I should do more to sort myself out etc. We also revisited the scenario where she said she still wanted a relationship and was technically single. She was on Hinge etc and went on numerous dates. She saw one person several times, he bought her expensive gifts, flowers to the house etc. She wouldn't say what had happened between them as it was private and we weren't together.
A couple of months ago, I was on a night out and kissed someone. She has gone ballistic and said she can't trust me etc etc. I've tried to say what's the difference - it was a drunken kiss and apologised, not a series of dates. But she won't accept the comparison.
Fast forward to present. Her son is neuro diverse and has had a lot of problems at school, so much that he has started being home schooled. I look after him most of the time. I do all cooking, and majority of other household chores. I'm currently renovating the house, meaning I'm tired and worn out most days (it's her house).
At the moment I feel unseen. I try and accommodate all her needs due to her neurodiversity's, but sometimes I do get it wrong. Because of my upbringing and previous relationships, I have become very defensive. I've really tried to get past this but sometimes it does come out. She says it's stopping us having a relationship and that I'm emotionally selfish. I feel I've walled myself off out of self defense. When we argue, she completely verbally dominates me - she can talk non stop for an hour and the moment I try to respond I can't say more that five words before she shuts me down. She often says that I need to accept fault otherwise leave then and there (middle of night, nowhere to go etc). This causes me to feel trapped and suffocated.
We used to have an amazing physical relationship but I felt I was being rejected time after time. So I curtailed my physicality and now she says I'm not bothered about her. I've tried to say that I am and would do anything to get back to where we were, but she says I don't make her feel wanted. I feel like I'm in a maze. She has now said that she is sexually wanting but I no longer make her feel sexy and she doesn't find me physically attractive.
She constantly says I gas light her and has all the intellectual reasons why I am 'wrong'. But I feel like I have legitimate reasons why I feel the way i do. I'm very private so haven't spoken to my friends about any of this, whereas she constantly tells me all the time all her friends think I'm useless and she should leave, and how if we had discussions in front of others people would agree with her.
I'm concious this is only one side of a in depth two sided story, so if anyone wants more info please ask.
Am I a bad partner and a dickhead or not?