Do I need therapy...??

[pickled]

Hi

Been building up to writing this - am a lurker rather than a poster, so please excuse me!

I really need some help I think. I find it very difficult to talk to people in social situations (especially group situations - they scare the hell out of me). Whenever I get invited to a wedding or party or any kind of social event I begin to start panicking about it - quite often there will be tears before I've even got there.

I'm quite a shy person by nature, but would love to be one of those people who finds conversations and social interaction a breeze, but I don't - I really really struggle with it, and to be honest it seems to be getting worse the older I get!

I often use alcohol to ease the anxiety, and people tell me I'm 'funny' when drunk, and I feel like a more 'interesting' person. The problem is that with alcohol I don't know when to stop, and quite often I have huge blanks from the evening - yes, I know, not good! I know I need to stop drinking, and that is something I'm going to make a conscious decision to do, however, I know that I will sit there with a group of people and just clam up.

I have friends that go back years, a loving husband and a gorgeous daughter. From the outside I seem fine, but inside I am feeling really low. The social events that I've attended recently have only served to make me feel worse and I often feel that people don't want to talk to me and are thinking 'oh no' whenever I approach them (which isn't very often anyway!). It is almost always events that I attend with my husband and ones where his friends or colleagues are there - I'm ok at events where I know people reasonably well.

I am also struggling since having a baby and finding some good 'mummy' friends that are local. I've really tried - have attended classes, been to antenatal groups etc. I even met up with a mum from the internet but she's not returned my email so I'm guessing she doesn't want to meet up again. I still meet up with people but I don't have any 'proper' friends that live locally and again, I'm feeling quite low about that too.

Arrgghh. Sorry I've gone on a bit here.

The question is - am I destined to be shy and quiet all my life or is this something that a bit of therapy could help sort?

Please - does anybody have any advice?

Thank you

From some of the things you've said, Pickled, it sounds like you may have low self esteem - particularly because you think people think 'uh oh' when you walk towards them. You poor thing - why would they think that? I think therapy might be useful for you, a counsellor perhaps?

Hello Pickled,

you sound truly lovely, such a shame you are giving yourself such a hard time. I'm with Littlewoman, it does sound from what you are saying that you may have low self-esteem (my theory is "who doesn't" but that is another debate for another thread!).

i am no psychotherapist so it would not be appropriate to look at your post in analytical detail but LW is right, seeing a counsellor could be of huge benefit, for a number of reasons:

a non-judgmental, kind voice
someone to listen to you
someone for you to talk to
someone who can look at the issues behind how you are feeling

most counsellors cost between £35 and £40 per hour and, IMHO, are a great investment, if you are able to afford it. When I have seen counsellors, although the cost hurts, I have always considered that there is no price on peace of mind. If you cannot afford it, there are several organisations out there which offer free or subsidised counselling.

be kind to yourself and good luck

(from a daddymumsnetter!)

There was someone who did a link on Cognitive Behaviour therapy websites. They are very interesting and I've been reading and reflecting and they've certainly helped me. Only saying this as CBT through my local docs has such a long waiting list and I think other people need the treatment more than me.
I would look into it though and go for soem therapy. I met up with a lovely friend from US recently. She'd had therapy and said she used to be like a mouse, so low confidence many years ago. I NEVER would have thought this. (She is so confident and doesn't even mind people knowing she had -aghast - therapy!!)
Will have a look for the website addresses later if you want.

So, I mean you can change, if you want to!

Yes- I'd certainly recommend CBT- it's just what is needed.

Thank you for your kind messages, will look into CBT then.

Probably didn't reveal the full extent of the problem above, but I reckon therapy might be the answer. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about situations then analysing, analysing, analysing.

I truly dislike myself and have done for many years - that's not good is it?

Pickled - good suggestions given already.

I don't find social situations difficult ( I do have other problems, don't get me wrong)
and I think the really key thing is to take your entire focus off yourself and put it onto other people. Ask open questions, not things that can be answered 'yes' and 'no'. Pay a little compliment - you can't go wrong if you say something nice about someone's child.

Good luck x

Sometimes you just have to try and 'act' interesting!

Janni's tip is a good one, people love talking about themselves!

Also, try not to brush off compliments or nice comments. I'm terrible for this. For example someone says 'oh your hair looks really nice' and i go 'oh, it's so grey now I have to dye it all the time'. It's basically throwing their compliment back in their face and putting myself down at the same time...Compare with: 'Oh, thanks! I think it suits me this length.'

I'm not a huge fan, but i genuinely think that CBT could help here.

there are some online courses if you google...

Thanks

If I think about it, it's more a problem chatting with females - perhaps it's an intimidation thing? The more attractive and intelligent the woman, the less likely I am going to be able to talk to her.

I'm generally ok talking to men though.. hmmm.

The worst scenario would be a group of women sitting at a round table. It's happened before - I could barely speak! Tragic really.

Will get googling anyhow..

Pickled - one site was 'moodgym' and the other was 'Living Life to the full'.

Jsut found it interesting to think about how I see myself and how others may see me. And how my answers are totally different depending on my mood - whether I'm feeling confident or a bit down.

I think women tend to be more intimidating, i know what you mean and I know in the past I've come across this way.
I went out recently and did not drink. What an eye opener. I was the quiet one for a change, but it was so interesting how bitchy, judgemental and horrible we can be. And not let quiet ones get a bloody word in!!!Saw a usually very nice lady turn into a mega bitch when drunk! Quite funny, but sad too!

i tend to agree with Sophable about CBT, I think it is a touch simplistic.

If money is an issue then it can be a good solution as its aim is to work speedily.

But for long term solutions, i think you may be better looking for a more classic counsellor who will not only look to help you on a practical level by helping you modify your thought processes when in these difficult situations (you probably know, CBT stands for cognitive behavioural therapy and works on your thoughts - cognitions - and behavious patterns) but who will also look at maybe where the route of some of these issues lie. It can be a longer process but, IMHO, a more rewarding and sustainable one, in the long term.