DH - I am so lost with what to do

[PizzaUnit]

I am a long time lurker. Often found comfort and took advice from other threads.

My whole world has been turned upside down. My DH got arrested a few months ago for domestic violence, he's currently on bail, no contact allowed with me or our DC (SS involvement) and awaiting the cps decision to charge or not.

The last few months have been the worst of my life, juggling work, the kids, school, and the toll of it all but in this time I've had the headspace to think and I can't believe what I thought was normal behaviour in a marriage, so much I have struggled to hear and digest professionals tell me my DH is abusive, almost like I am in denial?

On Thursday I have a meeting with the police at the station for disclosures in both Clare's & Sarah's Law. I am terrified of what I am going to hear, how can I hear something about someone who I have been with for 15 years but I have no prior knowledge of this information?!

Please can someone tell me what practical steps I can take from here? I do have an IDVA, is there certain things I should be asking her to help with? I don't even know where to start.

I have a full time job, the house is a joint mortgage, he is the higher earner but I do everything and anything related to the DC.

I don't know why I'm posting, I need a handhold and someone to tell me that eventually I will be ok.

You will be ok. One day this will be a bad memory. Sounds like you a holding a lot together. You are strong.

You are stronger than you think. And yes you might possibly hear something that will feel like the rug is being pulled from under you. If that happens, do not blame yourself, and do not doubt yourself or your judgement. Even though everything and everyone will test you! There truly are people that are so good at manipulating / masking the truth that they can even convince the smartest people of their innocence. Remember that recent case in France of Pelicot, the predator who everyone thought was a completely kind softie with puppy eyes? I’m not saying that is the case here! But just to illustrate.. If it turns out you hear bad news, you’re basically just very unlucky and you must move on for the sake of the kids. Nothing is not-figure-out-able. Baby steps. You can do it all, even the most complex things, you just have to cut it into small manageable pieces and do it one by one. And if you don’t know something.. ask. If you need a hug from someone ask.. if you need to vent, call a trusted person or just come here. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. You & the kids will be ok xxx

I think practically.. confide in someone, and make sure that person is on stand by during & after this meeting. Also pre-schedule a therapy call. Even if this is private and expensive. Just to have a professional on hand in case you urgently need it. Have prepped food in the house for a couple days in case you can’t manage to get out and need a meal. Possibly arrange a family member (your mum / dad / sibbling) to have the kids for a couple days or for someone to drop them off / pick up from school? Tell work you have a doctors appointment and will be off. Pick out a happy series in advance to just distract yourself.

Knowledge is power. The more you know the better decisions you’ll be able to make to stay safe