4 months pp and no longer interested in my partner

[YourSharpGreyHedgehog]

I’m 4 months pp and I’ve recently found myself getting irritated with my partner and thinking about dating an older man (not one in particular but one that can cook and clean and do things older men can do). I’m 23 and my partner is 27. I’m really struggling with these thoughts as I don’t know where they’re coming from and I’ve always wanted my little family that I’ve got. I think I’ve just come to the end of my tether with coping with all the house work and looking after baby by myself. But has anyone else found they resent their partner and find themselves wanting to find someone new (more mature/older)?

Hate to break it to you, but it's nothing to do with age. My ex was 40 and couldn't even hold down a job, let alone any housework or cleaning 🤦‍♀️

It's the man himself, not an age thing. Have u talked to your partner about the support you need?

we’ve been together 4 almost 5 years this year and I’ve said so so so many times over the years that I want him to help me but I always get “if you don’t ask me to do it, I don’t know to” which just ticks me off more. Every time it blows into an argument he ends up trying to somewhat help for a few days and then everything goes back to normal.

What the above poster wrote. Not all older men want to cook and clean particularly if the woman is all too ready and or willing to pick up after them. Did this man come straight from his parents house straight to you living together?.

How is it you are doing all the childcare and chores indoors?. What is he doing whilst you are doing all this?. Both of you are equally responsible for the household and all within it. He needs to be told.

You have the mental load and him asking you to tell him when to do it is an other chore for you to remember. Weaponised incompetence too. My husband isn't older than me and we have a toddler, he did more than his share post partum as I'd had a traumatic birth and an emergency section, and still does 50/50 now. That's how it should be, let alone after just birthing a child, you're barely out of the newborn phase :(

With a baby now in tow he needs to take it seriously, send him info on the mental load and weaponised incompetence and hopefully if he reads his own behaviours, as they are textbook, he might get his act together and not need things spelled out for him.

He’s a lazy, selfish prick! No wonder you resent him. Stop doing everything. Hand him the baby and say, right I’m off for a long bath. You’re turn to parent. Make him parent his own child. Get a rota up on the kitchen wall. He cooks every second night, baths the baby every second night, does the shopping, does the dishes on the night you cook, clean the bathroom on a Saturday morning. Hoovers the main traffic areas on a Tuesday and a Friday. Get it up on the wall and if he doesn’t do it, pull him up for it. He said he needs to be told so now he has a rota. Plan it out so it’s the same every week and then he will learn, it’s Friday I need to hoover and put a washing on and put one away, etc. Get him told. He’s 27 ffs and man enough to father a child. He better start getting his finger out. Congratulations on your baby. I hope you’re recovering well.

To add my cousins husbands had this attitude that because they were at work all day and earned the most, they had a get out of jail free card for chores and childcare. One is never out of the gym.

Maternity leave or the mum caring for the children enables these men to go to work, AND achieve a family. It's 50/50, as if the mum didn't then they'd have to either pay for childcare and salary sacrifice or do it themselves, it boggles my brain that this dynamic is so common. I hope that's not the case here and he will wise up, you're still in the mad maelstrom of hormones from it all too. It took me over a year to feel like I had my brain back after carrying a child.

Age has got nothing to with basic respect. Someone who loves you and respects you doesn't want you to run yourself into the ground.

I would seriously consider if you want to be with him going forward because such types rarely if ever change for the better.

He is equally responsible for the household chores and he can certainly use the washing machine and oven. Fact is he does not want to because he is a lazy arse. He has a problem too when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. He’s a poor example to his child.

Ha, ha- my H is 60 , can he cook and clean -yes if he can be arsed which isn't that often

You have been together for several years. So - you knew what sort of person he is around the house. Surely you didn't think having a baby will change him?
You got your little family that you wanted.

You partner is what he is - he is not proactive with house work. So - you need to train him - give him a list of things that are his responsivity on a daily basis.

There are no "older" house-trained men out there waiting for you. Behind most men that are well domesticated there is a woman who put in years of training them.
Yours is still young - and is probably still able to learn. For the sake of your baby (and your "little family") - you need to at least give it a try. You can't just act on a whim now - there is more than just you and your partner.

100% I know it’s not just me and him. I didn’t come here for judgement I came for support and people who have experienced similar feelings. Before our baby I had time to shower, to go to the toilet when I wanted, to be able to just put a load of laundry on. Since having our baby those things are restricted but only for me. The washing piles up because I genuinely don’t have time to keep on top of it. I’m doing absolutely everything which no, I didn’t realise prior despite us being together a long time. But I didn’t realise because I never was put in a situation where my whole life became someone else’s and still expected to somehow find the time to do everything I did before as well as take care of my little one 24/7.

That’s exactly my problem, if I ask him to put stuff away or clean something then I get the whole “I’ve been at work all day”. I understand he’s working but I’m still providing half the bills and working as mum full time. I’m glad you said hormones because I really hope this feeling is just a fluke and is because of the emotional rollercoaster of pp.

I’m going to give that a go!! That’s such a good idea, thank you!!