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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve gone non-contact but still being tormented by other family members.

14 replies

BlueGlassVase · 21/01/2025 14:57

My dad did something truly awful 20 years ago, my mum should have kicked him out but didn’t. I left home soon after to go to uni and never returned permanently. I didn’t want to be estranged from my mum and sibling(who was also firmly under the regime) so I played happy families when I saw them. Fast forward 20 years, dad’s done it again, family has broken up this time. By this stage both parents are elderly and have needed lots of support with logistics of separation and moving, most of which has fallen to me. I’ve supported both and made sure each got a fair deal. Now that’s sorted, I can no longer stand to be around dad and I can’t/wont have him round my kids so without making any major statement, I’ve stopped talking to him. Mum is still obsessed and talks about him constantly. Sibling still sees him regularly. Dad is now trying to manipulate the situation by disinheriting me, it’s fine if he does but I’ve gone non-contact with him to get him out of my life but my mum/sibling are constantly mithering on about it now and I feel like he’s more at the front and centre of my life than he was before I stopped talking to him. How do I make it stop?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/01/2025 15:01

You tell them that you do not want to hear about him BUT they have every right to talk about their father/husband if they want to.
You CAN insist that you aren't involved though and not engage with them on the subject
When I was NC with my father and my brother would mention him I would just say nothing or "ok" or similar. If he tried to get me to actively discuss him I would just say I didn't want to and if he insisted then I would leave

Tittat50 · 21/01/2025 15:05

I think only time and repeating the same communition style ( grey rock) is the only way. So hard.

When they get in a spin, you remain neutral, the adult ( no one else is in your family), you keep emotional chats out of any discussion. You act like the Headteacher listening to the kids all moaning and fighting and having tantrums. Calm, neutral and not engaging in any talk of any of it. Revealing no personal feelings other than. ' I'm not really able to tolerate dad's behaviour anymore. Anyway, how is work? How are you? Did you watch that TV programme? '

You have to find dull neutral topics or just let them talk about themselves.

You'll find this is the only way. You'll see it's incredibly unfulfilling but in time they'll see you aren't invested in the game anymore and they usually calm down. You may become the bad guy. Who cares.

If you can accept you won't feature in the will, you have won most the battle. The one bit of life long control has now been removed. Let him keep his shitty money.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is great. It sounds like your family operates in a dynamic like the ' Narcissistic family cult ' . You are stepping away from the dynamic and it's very destabilising for the others who aren't able to do what you are.

You can't change any of them. Just your response to them.

Omgblueskys · 21/01/2025 15:09

Oh op, this is going to be so hard for you, you can only have that one off conversation with family on why you decided NC and say you don't need conversations relating to him , they will become the ' flying monkeys ' unfortunately, set your boundaries, and if you have to go low contact with them so be it, you can only control so much but all about your boundaries right now,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2025 15:10

The flying monkeys do not have your interest at heart nor are they interested in hearing your side of things. Therefore their opinion needs to be ignored,

Omgblueskys · 21/01/2025 15:24

Tittat50 · 21/01/2025 15:05

I think only time and repeating the same communition style ( grey rock) is the only way. So hard.

When they get in a spin, you remain neutral, the adult ( no one else is in your family), you keep emotional chats out of any discussion. You act like the Headteacher listening to the kids all moaning and fighting and having tantrums. Calm, neutral and not engaging in any talk of any of it. Revealing no personal feelings other than. ' I'm not really able to tolerate dad's behaviour anymore. Anyway, how is work? How are you? Did you watch that TV programme? '

You have to find dull neutral topics or just let them talk about themselves.

You'll find this is the only way. You'll see it's incredibly unfulfilling but in time they'll see you aren't invested in the game anymore and they usually calm down. You may become the bad guy. Who cares.

If you can accept you won't feature in the will, you have won most the battle. The one bit of life long control has now been removed. Let him keep his shitty money.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is great. It sounds like your family operates in a dynamic like the ' Narcissistic family cult ' . You are stepping away from the dynamic and it's very destabilising for the others who aren't able to do what you are.

You can't change any of them. Just your response to them.

Great advice 👍

Wordau · 21/01/2025 15:30

You need to set boundaries with your mum and sibling. You don't want to hear it. If they won't leave it then your only choice is to distance from them for a while.

Original poster
BlueGlassVase · 21/01/2025 15:37

Thanks for your posts everyone, some
great advice. I wasn’t sure anyone would reply. I’m just at the end of my tether with it today.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/01/2025 15:46

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2025 15:10

The flying monkeys do not have your interest at heart nor are they interested in hearing your side of things. Therefore their opinion needs to be ignored,

Agree, they have to make you believe you are wrong because you have had the courage to do what they can't. If you are right they are wrong and they can't cope with the idea of that

Tittat50 · 21/01/2025 15:50

BlueGlassVase · 21/01/2025 15:37

Thanks for your posts everyone, some
great advice. I wasn’t sure anyone would reply. I’m just at the end of my tether with it today.

It might be good to say you're unwell with a bug and need to just rest and recover. And don't communicate with any of them for a few days or longer if you can. It gives you a break.

mindutopia · 21/01/2025 15:52

You need to be very direct with them about your expectations if they want to continue a relationship with you. And if that doesn’t work, you need to put some serious distance between yourself and them. I am an NC with my mum and I’ve had to block everyone who is still close to her (to be fair, most of her friends/family either cut her off already or cut me off first because they believe the lies she tells).

Bobthepotplant · 21/01/2025 16:09

Just make it clear to family you don't want to hear anything regarding your relationship (or lack of it) with him. If they mention him superficially in general everyday conversation then that's different but if they continue with this, I'd consider low contact with them for a while until they get the message.

I'm NC with my Mum. First thing she did was threaten to disinherit me. It's a form of control. I really don't care if she disinherits me, no money could make up for the pain and hurt she's caused and I now have my peace of mind back which is worth so much more than money. However my DSis would go on & on about it including repeating toxic comments my mum made about me. In the end I had to be quite blunt and say, I don't mind her being mentioned in general everyday conversation, but please don't repeat toxic comments or threats from her. In the end I had to go LC with my DSis for a while until she got the idea. Stick to your guns and as you say, the whole point of going NC is to stop the abuse, you don't need family members passing it on second hand.

Original poster
BlueGlassVase · 21/01/2025 16:19

Yeah @Bobthepotplant the situation sounds similar. I’m close to my sibling and we’ve said he’d never get between us but I really think he’s trying at the moment.

OP posts:
Bobthepotplant · 21/01/2025 16:51

My DSis got the message in the end but only when I bluntly explained it to her and went LC for a few months every time she broke the rule. I said to her, I really don't want to influence your choices or relationship with Mum but this is mine, so please respect it. So the golden rule is, I don't mind Mum being mentioned in general everyday chit chat, like if they've seen each other etc, but absolutely no toxic comments or threats are to be passed on, or any discussions regarding my NC or I'll take a break from everyone.

Problem is family members can get quite caught up in the drama of it all, plus toxic parents can be manipulative & controlling. My DSis does love a drama too, but after years of abuse, all I wanted was to withdraw quietly, move forward and get on with my own peaceful life.

Bobthepotplant · 21/01/2025 17:05

Plus my mum had spent all our lives triangulating between us all, stirring up trouble with lies, and playing everyone off against each other. Usually so she could be the one in the middle controlling everyone. It was like a sick, cruel game of cat & mouse. Therefore when one of us removes ourselves from this nonsense, it can take a while for even our siblings to relearn how to have a normal relationship with us. Zero tolerance is the only answer in my opinion and with reinforced rules/boundaries it can be achieved if your sibling/family are prepared to accept this. For me, if they hadn't, I would have been prepared to walk away from them all completely. I just needed peace and my life back.

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