He's been using cam girls...

[IfSBrN]

...for years. I just found out about it yesterday after needing to use his tablet for work and accidently opening his Gmail account rather than my own. The latest email was open. It was for Streamate. At first glance I presumed it was something to do with gaming or films. Curiosity got the better of me and I scrolled down to see charges for minutes of time with some person who had a name that could only be associated with sex work.
I still didn't know what it was so I Googled the website which them connected to his account. It's a cam girl website. He's been active on there since 2021!!!! We've been together for 13 years. He had a lot of saved videos on there from a woman who has the same name (in part) as our 2 year old daughter. I feel absolutely physically sick.
The women on there are...icky. I know it's their choice, blah blah but looking at them pulling weird faces and posing makes me feel ill. Some of them only look 18. He's 40.

I'm not against him looking at porn. I sometimes do too. But this is so far over the line. It looks like he's been paying out for minutes of time with different girls on any given night. I've no idea how it actually works but I'm guessing that will involve some level of interaction on his part.

I'm just disgusted. He has a history of hiding things from me. Nothing major particularly apart from once lying about needing to work when I took the kids to see my Dad for a week and then finding out he actually took the week off. The other time was about 6 months ago when I again needed to his PC and his search history of 'What is it like to sleep with 2 escorts' came up, which lead me to discover a subscription to some porn escort site. He swore blind that he was just there to watch a video and had never contacted an escort (looking at his account seemed to back this up).

My god, just writing all this down...I'm an idiot aren't I?! We're such a normal everyday family. Both have good jobs. Three young children. I'll admit our sex life is lacking but it's in part because he keeps delaying a vasectomy (that he himself said he wanted) and in part because I just can't get over all the hurt he keeps causing me. It definitely doesn't get me in the mood.

The thing is. I don't want to leave. I don't want to lose my home. I don't want to do that to the children. But I'm equally so upset and hurt. And I feel like it's going to just keep happening for ever more.

I'm going to speak to him about it tonight but I feel ill at the thought. 😢

I'm not surprised you are sickened by his use of cam girls.
But you are ok with him watching porn? That's such double standards.
I wouldn't want to be with a man who did either of those things. A man who sees women as sex objects to be bought for his use.

And if he is on escorts sites there is a good chance he has used them at some point: if he is goggling having sex with 2 escorts at once you can be pretty sure he has already tried it with one

He has no respect for you.

So sorry you are going through this. I echo the above poster and would says it’s very likely that he has used escorts. I found out my husband had been using cam girls and sleeping with escorts in hotels for the last 3 years of our marriage. It’s such a betrayal. I hope you have lots of support around you x

Sorry you have been betrayed in this way - I hope you can live with it after your discussion with him.

I don't have any support at all, really. Very few friends and those I do have are all busy with their own lives and young families. I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this with any of them.

My mum has advancing Alzheimer's. I would never speak to my Dad about this (and he lives hundreds of miles away). I'm an only child.

I feel utterly alone. Hence this post here. I have no where else to turn.

I feel beyond sad at the the though of him meeting escorts. I wonder when he'd have the time but I suppose he'd find a way. We have location sharing on our phones so it's definitely not any time in the remotely recent past because he only goes to work (small family business), his parents' house, and here.

I've just noticed he's cleared out his emails since I asked him to talk tonight. The jig is up. He must know I know.

So sorry to hear you don’t have much rl support, keep posting on here though as lots of us can empathise I’m sure. For my husband he was self employed and was booking hotels when he was away for work and then when he became employed if there were any overnight stays for training, work trips etc he would do it then too. He even did it when he took his mum to hospital to have an operation to remove a cancerous tumour

I've learnt to pick my battles over the years. And I've watched porn in the past so I'd be a hypocrite if I said I couldn't abide him watching it. It doesn't fill me with joy or anything but it's not something I'd consider to be a deal breaker.

The googling is the bit I couldn't get past either. Believe me, I kept asking and asking about it because I couldn't get it out of my mind. He said it was just a fantasy. I believed him because I didn't want to even consider the alternative.

Oh God, that's awful. I'm so sorry. Did you leave him when you found out?

Mine never goes away for work, or anywhere much for that matter. I'm the one who does on occasion, in fact I'm in London from tomorrow until Friday. He's at home with the kids.

No he died unexpectedly and I found out from the messages on his phone. I don’t think he would have ever told me but I would have left as i wouldn’t be able to trust him again. When you talk to him tonight keep in mind that he might not be telling you the whole truth. You need to do what’s best for you, not him

There's no easy answer.

You're in a shit marriage. That's not going to improve.

But leaving isn't a bed of roses either.

You need to make a long term plan of what's best for you and the DCs

I would ask him if he like his daughters to be cam girls and when he says -of course not it’s (fill in the blank) ask him why is he using cam girls?

I’m really sorry op. You know what your instincts are telling you - he’s disgusting, you don’t feel safe emotionally in your marriage and you don’t trust him. You wouldn’t have picked him if you knew he was capable of this. But I understand your dilemma- your logical brain wanst to override your instincts because you don’t want it to be true, you don’t want to lose everything you have built with him. I’m sorry you don’t feel able to talk to anyone in real life, are you able to afford counselling for yourself? All you can do tonight is ask for the truth, tell him how his behaviour has made you feel, tell him what you need from him going forward and decide for yourself where the line is. You deserve to live a full life, not one where you suppress your hurt to keep the peace, you will suffer more in the long run. I know it’s not a simple choice though x