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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The only women I judge.... with deadbeat dads

38 replies

MsMarch · 21/01/2025 12:58

As a rule, I'm one of those "irritating" women who generally takes the woman's side, every time. If there's even a sliver of doubt.... I'm on her side. I can't stand it when you see a thread about a man behaving like shit and there's loads of posts saying, "have you tried writing him a list" or whatever.

But.... I'm really finding the one exception to this rule is women who are with men who don't see and/or pay for their children. The ones who accept the stories about the "crazy ex", or "I can't go to court as she'll just make it worse for me and the DC" or "she turned them against me". How on earth can you be even slightly attracted to a man who is is so completely unable and unwiling to taker esponsibility for his chidlren? How?

SIL has just discovered that exBIL is back living with an ex (from after him and SIL broke up, but we can only assume they're back together). He has been MIA for 6 weeks (including over Christmas), having blocked her and their DC because he got kicked out of (another) shared accomodation and she refused to let him move back in with her and their DC. I KNOW what a wanker exBIL is (there's a reason he keeps getting kicked out of places he lives), but what does this woman see in him? Does she not think to herself, "Wow, he hasn't called, or made an effort to see his DC a single time in 6 weeks, not even over Christmas"

[To be very very clear - I'm NOT talking about the women who are supporting their partners as they do everything they can to maintain relationships with their children. Just the ones that have 10000 excuses and do nothing.]

OP posts:

Costcolover · 21/01/2025 15:09

@Cattery So because YOU know one case where it was blatantly obvious he was a deadbeat, that means ALL deadbeats are blatantly obvious....of course! 🙄

Cattery · 21/01/2025 15:11

Costcolover · 21/01/2025 15:09

@Cattery So because YOU know one case where it was blatantly obvious he was a deadbeat, that means ALL deadbeats are blatantly obvious....of course! 🙄

No course not. Just giving an example that I know about and replying to the part of the post that mentioned making bad choices; which this woman did. The type of man he is was evident

Nessastats · 21/01/2025 15:13

If you're willing to understand how the mother of the children was a poor victim that was hoodwinked, how is it so hard to understand that the new gf is being hoodwinked too?

HaddyAbrams · 21/01/2025 15:16

My ex's wife positively encouraged him to see our DC less/ not pay maintenance. I guess if they split up she can't complain if he does the same to her.

Original poster

MsMarch · 21/01/2025 15:17

@resilience - I think you make very interesting and nuanced points in bothyour posts. I'm not sure I always agree with what you're saying but you are making me slightly move slightly back to my USUAL position which is to insist that people take these things as part of a bigger picture.

Many of these women will not be under the impression that the man has deliberately chosen not to see his children and won't pay for them. They'll have fallen hook, line and sinker for the lies

I think this is very true but I've found it difficult to understand HOW they fall for the lies. The one that always jumps out at me is when the crazy ex is apparently not letting him see the kids but he hasn't so much as called a single lawyer, done the most basic of research etc. I think you're probably right though that these women have a lot of other things goign on in their own lives so are more incliend to believe or want to believe it all?

I totally agree with you re the cocklodger thing. It absolutely creeps up and there's a BUNCH of things that happen. exBIL was very much a CL with SIL practically from day 1. I have two very clear memories of that time that I think really make the point you were making. The first is how when he moved in, it was positioned very much in a way that meant SIL would be a really cruel person if she didn't allow it. He was the victim! The second was how early on he took it a tiny bit too far a couple of times - testing boundaries - and she pushed back and he very quickly learnt NOT to say/do those things. I still don't know if that was conscious or not on his part, but those things he said/did blatantly in the beginning carried on, he was just more subtle about it so it was harder for her to push back.

OP posts:

spoonfulofsugar1 · 21/01/2025 15:18

Nessastats · 21/01/2025 15:13

If you're willing to understand how the mother of the children was a poor victim that was hoodwinked, how is it so hard to understand that the new gf is being hoodwinked too?

Because if she knows he has kids he doesn't bother with, thats a significant piece of evidence. A woman getting with a childfree man who ends up being a deadbeat is less obvious.

Original poster

MsMarch · 21/01/2025 15:19

Nessastats · 21/01/2025 15:13

If you're willing to understand how the mother of the children was a poor victim that was hoodwinked, how is it so hard to understand that the new gf is being hoodwinked too?

It's a really good question. I think it's because for me, it seems so OBVIOUS. So the woman sees the man just getting on with his life, not talking about his DC, not making an effort, not researching options etc. And THAT for me is the bit that I find mindblowing.

But perhaps, as a few people have pointed out, I'm not looking at the big picture enough.

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 21/01/2025 15:20

My ex sees our DC every two weeks, contributes very little to their lives. Obviously he thinks he's dad of the year though. It actually boggles my mind what he tells his current girlfriends, I have absolutely no idea as he refuses contact with me.

dysonwithdeath · 21/01/2025 15:26

What on earth makes these guys think they are great fathers? Do they just feel relief that they don't have to do the heavy lifting and just get the easy stuff? Such selfishness.

cool4cats2020 · 21/01/2025 15:56

Yes, you're one of those irritating women... who judges others from their high horse. Maybe go and walk a mile in their shoes first.

B2B25 · 21/01/2025 16:02

Agreed. How could anyone find anyone who abandons their children attractive is beyond me.

Would be a dealbreaker for me!

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2025 18:41

HaddyAbrams · 21/01/2025 15:16

My ex's wife positively encouraged him to see our DC less/ not pay maintenance. I guess if they split up she can't complain if he does the same to her.

Used to know a woman like this, she worked with my best friend.

She was the OW and when he left his ex she did everything she could to stop him seeing his child, as far as she was concerned their kids together were his only priority. Then he had another affair (quelle surprise) and she was absolutely outraged when he did the same to her and their kids. But frankly what did she expect? Her actions told him that she fully supported him never seeing his kids and avoiding maintenance!

Last I heard (admittedly 20 odd years ago) the second OW was pg and was a much of a pita as the woman I knew was.....what goes around comes around....

Theunamedcat · 21/01/2025 18:54

I would love to know what lies my ex has told because I never stopped him seeing his kids yes I enforced child support but why doesn't he want to pay? He would have been paying less than £100 a month because he has pissed about for years they have taken it straight out of his (part time because she supports him) wages nearly three hundred pounds plus fees he has recently moved back into the area with his wife and is telling everyone he sees he hasn't seen his children for "ages" no-one is asking him why they KNOW he moved away and stopped turning up ds 16 has been vocal about it because he just stopped coming

He hasn't bothered taking me to court though he stopped threatening me with court years ago

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