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Original poster

Am I evil for not feeling bad about lying to my bf

11 replies

sabrina1234 · 21/01/2025 11:23

So long story short. I have been with my bf for 8 years, within that time caught him cheating many times (texting girls). He used to abuse me both physically and emotionally, slowly overtime it became less intense and the physical abuse stopped in 2022, yet the emotional abuse continued. Before you judge me, please understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, I wish it didn't take 8 years but it did, and I guess at least I'm out of it now...almost.
Over a year ago I caught him texting a girl and I feel like something in me died that day in terms of my attachment to him. For the rest of the year he never lost his temper, wined and dined me etc. However like I said something in me died and I just can't continue.
I tried MANY times to leave but he won't take no for an answer and will show up at my work, bombard me with calls etc.
So to try get him off my back, I LIED and told him I've met someone else and I will marry him soon, he knew this for 2 weeks and it still didn't work in keeping him away from me. I tried to explain to him yesterday that I just don't have any feelings and a message pops up from an old friend on his phone who is also a girl (the same one he used to taunt me about and say she liked him) and I was livid because here he was crying to me saying he is hurting yet he can still speak to other girls he stopped speaking to..yet 8 years later they're friends again. It just doesn't make sense to me. I asked him to give me his phone and he wouldn't. Which just made me more angry and I blurted out that I made up that I was going to marry someone else. And there the guilt trip began that he couldn't eat or sleep for weeks and that I should feel disgusted with myself.... but I can't bring myself to feel that way.

I just feel such a mix of emotions, one minute I'm angry and feel he deserves worse and another I feel guilty that I made someone else's heart hurt.

OP posts:
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 21/01/2025 11:29

Unfortunately you’ve just handed him another stick to beat you with. You’ve made yourself into the liar and the bad guy, so the abusive dynamic has shifted in his favour. He won’t let this slide. He’ll hold it over you and defend his own actions with this for as long as you allow it. You owe an abusive cheat nothing, least of all honesty. But until you can walk away for good he’ll have you tying yourself in knots to “make up” for this. You should never have told him it was a lie.

Nothingisrealisit · 21/01/2025 11:31

Normally I have no tolerance for lies.
But after reading your post I can very much sympathise with why you did it.

After all the lies he has told you, and all the cheating and deception he has practised on you, I honestly don't see why you should feel bad about your lie to him.

You owe him nothing and I hope you can break free from this relationship . I don't think you should worry about hurting him: it sounds like crocodile tears from him .

You deserve so much better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2025 11:32

Report him today to the police for his continual harassment. Block him on all channels and do not have anything more to do with him.

Stop communicating with him in any way shape or form as of now. You asking for his phone (why did you do this at all?) is a response and that is also precisely what he wants from you. You need to go completely radio silent on him and get the police involved.

Going forward get therapy as to why you actually chose this man to be in a relationship with.

Christl78 · 21/01/2025 11:34

sabrina1234 · 21/01/2025 11:23

So long story short. I have been with my bf for 8 years, within that time caught him cheating many times (texting girls). He used to abuse me both physically and emotionally, slowly overtime it became less intense and the physical abuse stopped in 2022, yet the emotional abuse continued. Before you judge me, please understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, I wish it didn't take 8 years but it did, and I guess at least I'm out of it now...almost.
Over a year ago I caught him texting a girl and I feel like something in me died that day in terms of my attachment to him. For the rest of the year he never lost his temper, wined and dined me etc. However like I said something in me died and I just can't continue.
I tried MANY times to leave but he won't take no for an answer and will show up at my work, bombard me with calls etc.
So to try get him off my back, I LIED and told him I've met someone else and I will marry him soon, he knew this for 2 weeks and it still didn't work in keeping him away from me. I tried to explain to him yesterday that I just don't have any feelings and a message pops up from an old friend on his phone who is also a girl (the same one he used to taunt me about and say she liked him) and I was livid because here he was crying to me saying he is hurting yet he can still speak to other girls he stopped speaking to..yet 8 years later they're friends again. It just doesn't make sense to me. I asked him to give me his phone and he wouldn't. Which just made me more angry and I blurted out that I made up that I was going to marry someone else. And there the guilt trip began that he couldn't eat or sleep for weeks and that I should feel disgusted with myself.... but I can't bring myself to feel that way.

I just feel such a mix of emotions, one minute I'm angry and feel he deserves worse and another I feel guilty that I made someone else's heart hurt.

Trauma bonding. Threaten hom with a police report and file one If he doesn’t stop.
And make no mistake. He doesn’t care about you, he only cares about himself and what he is losing If he loses you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2025 11:36

I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid. Enrol yourself also onto the Freedom Programme and unlearn all the shedloads of crap you have learnt about relationships to date through therapy.

Happyinarcon · 21/01/2025 11:41

He’s feeding off your emotional energy, he needs to provoke an outburst from you to get his fix. It’s your choice whether you want to hang around and provide it or not. Read up about narcissist fuel supply.

MyNewLife2025 · 21/01/2025 11:47

I wouldn’t think twice about the lie.
You need to extricate yourself from an abusive man. Lies are ok. Just like it would be ok if you had been kidnapped and that was your only way to escape.

Now, I’m not quite sure if I got it right. Are you still living together?

If not, just block his number. Do not see him again. Ever.
He is trying to make you feel guilty so you come back, like you’ve done many times before. But as you noticed yourself, he isn’t so bad, not eating etc… that he can’t carry on flirting/having sex with someone else.
This man has been lying to you again and again. Don’t believe a word from him.

Instead, look after yourself. Go and see friends, family. Take up a hobby. And go and have counselling for yourself - there will a lot of trauma to process.

mummytrex · 21/01/2025 11:50

As others have said. Text to say you don't want him to contact you again, directly or otherwise you'll be reporting him to the police.

And then follow through by reporting him when he invariably ignores you. Ignore any threats of self harm. If he is daft enough to do anything, that is on him

battairzeedurgzome · 21/01/2025 12:06

Do you want this man in your life or not? If not, you have to accept that it's none of your business who his friends are. If he won't leave you alone, tell him by text message not to contact you again and that unwanted contact is likely to be interpreted as harassment, which is a criminal offence.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:34

Do you live together?

Girlmom35 · 21/01/2025 12:48

You really need to emotionally disengage from him.
He doesn't need to agree with breaking up.
He doesn't need to understand why you've broken up with him.
You have nothing to justify. And also he no longer has anything to justify.
You don't need an excuse to leave him.
You do not have to reply to any message, speak to him when he shows up, let him in your house, ...

There are laws, and those laws prehibit him from stalking you and bombarding you with texts.
Block him every way you can, and call the police next time he shows up anywhere.

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