My last relationship has opened my eyes to a lot of things and it's also the reason why I have decided to never date again. I have always wanted to experience love... genuine healthy love, but I just don't see it happening.
In the past I have experienced heartbreaks and always gave it another chance. 6 years ago I met my husband ( soon to be ex husband). Things were great in the beginning and he seemed like someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I thought things were great...ignoring the fact that he tried to change me. I changed the way I dressed, how I wore my hair, I stopped hanging out with family and friends and it started to feel like I was just doing what he wanted.
We got married within the first year of dating. Shortly after things changed and I was no longer happy and expressed it to him. I had to ask him to be a man, I had to ask him to help out around the house, I had to ask for romance and dates. Every time I got excuse after excuse about everything. I tried telling him I no longer felt connected to him and he got angry. I tried asking for counseling he immediately shut it down.
Plenty of times I tried walking away and he would come back doing all of the things I had to beg for. Stupid of me to stay because it only lasted temporarily. I really wanted my marriage to work because I really loved this man. Over time I became angry. I was tired of being talked over, I was tired of having to ask my husband to treat me like his wife, I got tired of suggesting things and being shut down.
We argued a lot and we also tried to fix our issues but it just never worked. Every sit down I felt attacked and he never acknowledged the things he had done. I could never bring those things up because "I made him look evil". I eventually gave up on trying to talk with him. I just sat and listened to all of the things I did wrong. I begin to think I was someone I knew I wasn't. I begin to think I was "toxic". I felt like the manipulator, narcissist he made me feel like I was gaslighting him and it did not feel good.
I sat with myself for a long time I cried over all of the things that were said to me. I felt stuck and sick and I felt helpless. Then I remembered who I was prior to our marriage. I remember being that supportive friend, sister, daughter. I remembered always being happy and smiling. I remembered all of the good things people have said about me( including him at one point). I would drop it all to make sure anyone around me was ok. Even though he hated it that's who I was.
I miss being that woman. I miss making people smile. I miss spending quality time with the people I love. I miss not being insecure around other people. My energy now is just off and I'm always on edge. I know I'm not that person but I could never show him that no matter how hard I tried.
I have to protect my energy and my peace and the only way I can do that is if I'm alone. No one to make me think badly about myself. No one to change who I am. I was good enough when I met him I just wish he saw that. Giving years of your life to someone and then one day having to move on without that person sucks. I get that it's life but I'm tired of having to do that. The thought of starting over makes me want to vomit.