Guilt and sadness over relationship I know has to end

[Wreckingball1975]

I divorced 5 years ago and it broke me even though it was the right thing.

I very quickly ended up in a new relationship, which I know I shouldn't. It was fun and was a distraction. He has lived with me for 2 years. I have 2 kids in their 20s.

I have so much regret that I have exposed the kids to him. The relationship was actually nice most of the time but I've ignored red flags that I am ashamed of. He drinks too much and uses cocaine. I have made it very clear I do not approve and that this must never be in my house. I do not know why I have lowered my standards to accept it when he's with friends. However, he has hidden it from me, used it at home, outright lied about using it. I simply do not have any trust in him. I am suspicious and it makes me anxious.

This weekend, he met his friend at lunchtime for a drink and when I came home at 5pm ish, he and his friend were here. Drunk. And doing cocaine. Constantly nipping 'to the toilet' my son was here and I could tell he knew. I am so ashamed I put him in this position. My BF lied about using it, denied it. He even said ok check my phone, so I said yeah ok, he handed it me then immediately snatched it back. I told him at the point I was ending the relationship. This is not who I am and he is not the person I should be with. Even more shame, my amazing son has told me this too. He hates that his mum has ended up with someone like that.

I am now trying to get my BF to accept its over and leave my home. He says I am cruel and is begging to stay, saying he'll do anything. If someone else were telling me this, I would tell them not be crazy and just get rid. Why am I finding this so hard.

Honestly, ask your son for help, pack up this man's things and leave them outside the door. Send him a message telling him to pick them up and never see him again. It's as easy as that. He's got friends he can go to. Don't put yourself or your son through this.

I would imagine it hard as its a rebound relationship and you liked the person you are with but he is hurting you and your family. I hope you can make a clean break.

You are finding it hard because you have been in relationship with him for 2 years so there is attachment and perhaps hopes/dreams of how the future could be (if otnly he would stop drinking and cocaine). Us, strangers, dont have this attachment and so it is clear to see things because we have no emotions attached to this person you are describing.
Then there is sunk-cost fallacy, you have invested 2 years in this relationship and it’s hard to abandon, you feel like it has to work.

It doesn’t sound good though. There is no trust and he is taking you, your home, for granted. He doesn’t respect you and puts drugs/drinking above your feelings. That is the end of the road.

Have an honest chat with your son and tell him that he’s right, you do deserve better. Im sure he is anxious for you too, seeing it all. Remove this partner of yours from your life and all the stress he creates for all of you. Show you children that you are strong and you take their views seriously and value them. They will support you and you will be showing a good example of getting rid of a bad relationship.

You have been both codependent and his enabler in this dysfunctional relationship. He targeted you deliberately to mistreat because he sensed poor boundaries and perhaps even your fear of you being alone.

Please get therapy for yourself re such tendencies because as you have seen this has done you a great deal of harm.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You have to also believe that you deserve better from a relationship. For now going forward be single, it’s far better than being with Mr Wrong.

Please end this dreadful relationship, for you, and most of all for your lovely son.

How could you ever expect him to make wise choices in his life if his mother is choosing to expose him to drugs and alcoholic abuse. Your parental messages are very irresponsible.

I needed to hear this thank you

He is pleading and begging and it is so hard. He is struggling to accept he won't have this life with me. As a stranger, I expect you think this is typical?

Of course this is typical. He will threaten to harm himself soon.

It is all manipulation to try to get you to change your mind.

I expect when none of that works, he will get angry. At that point, do not hesitate to phone the police to get him removed.

Keep your phone charged and on you, just in case. Good luck

They always beg and plead and promise to change and they’re always full of shit.

Is it your house OP? If it is you have to stand firm and tell him you want him gone by the weekend otherwise you’ll pack his stuff into bin bags and put it outside.

You’ll probably need to change the locks as well.

Make sure there is someone with you when you tell him to go and when you put his stuff outside.

Stick to your guns OP this man will never improve and he’ll wear you down.

Would I be right in saying he doesn’t really contribute to your household expenses? If

Whilst I expect as you are currently in the whirlwind of intense emotions, I feel you are struggling to see the gravity of the situation, and what actually matters here.

His sadness and feelings in a simple term: do not matter anymore. He has chosen the path, one of which is totally unacceptable and rude towards you, and he knew what it would entail.

I also implore you to consider how children will view this. If you heard from your son that one of his friends mother, is in a relationship where this person exposes alcohol abuse, Cocaine abuse, and emotional and manipulation abuse towards the mum, in front of the child, I’m sure you would agree, you would be horrified. However, that is the position you are in. You know yourself what the necessary steps are, you need to be strong and clear, and remove this man from your families life, as it is not just a relationship for you, he has a relationship with your family.

Put trust in your son, he truly cares about you and does not have the ‘Clouded Goggles’ that you will inevitably have due to being sad a relationship is ending, he is keeping a clear head, and knows what the real situation is, and the consequences that poor decisions can create.

You are a mother! Which means you are strong and capable, this relationship ended the moment he blatantly disrespected you infront of your family, most people would have kicked him to curb without hesitation.

Any ‘promises’ or things he will tell you are manipulation in an attempt to keep himself comfortable, they in no way are to make you feel better, it is to save himself. Desperation brings out several steps as other people have pointed out, don’t let it reach the stage where he will become angry, as he has demonstrated he does not care about you or your safety, so with nothing left to lose, the situation could become gravely more dangerous. Please take the steps now, he deserves no more time being comfortable, he deserves nothing from you.

He’s seen you as merely a soft touch and is now sad that his gravy train is potentially coming to an end. This is all manipulative from him. Do not fall for such attempts.

Pleading, begging, denying, promising to change... It's all standard. No doubt he'll move on to threats to take his own life.

Hold tight. Within a week or two he'll have a new girlfriend and will have forgotten all this.

And if he threatens to kill himself which is likely get the police involved to do a welfare check on him.

Thank you all. Your advice is what I already knew and just needed to be told. He left this evening. No matter hard this is, I know that of course this is the only option. My kids are always no. 1.

Well done op. You have done the right thing

I suggest that you change the locks.

Well done just be prepared it might not end just like that. You will likely to hear from him in some form. He lost warm place, cooking, cleaning and sex provided for him so he is very likely to come back with either more pleading or threats. Just be mentally prepared for that.

I feel like screaming when I see threads like this. At rid of him for your bloody kids.

I would have took my son home and packed his stuff there and then.

Well done, is all of his stuff gone? Change the locks and block him from contacting you so that you can have proper space from him. You’ve done a very strong thing and you absolutely have put your children first and will be happier for it.

I imagine he’s only pleading and begging because he will have to find somewhere to go. I bet he’s a cocklodger too.

He has no intention of stopping the alcohol or drug abuse.

He has chosen the drugs over your home.

I know you are sad because this was your rebound relationship and you're almost trying to prove to everyone else it was real. But at some point you've got to realise the red flags and behaviour make the relationship not real.

Drop the rope and spend some time on your own thinking about what you want next. Don't be anyone's door mat.